I spent one of my days, somewhere at the end of October, facing all my fears
I let them through my mind and everyone got infected by bad vibes from me
That day I woke up to some distant rambling of my parents fighting
I found myself falling back into sleeping sweet embrace and awake at 9:30, finding dad sleeping on the stairs.
The day before, mum put oil on my hair and I complained about the smell that doesn't fade away after washing it  four times.

I was thinking of buying books and listening to music but can't because mum is beside me
And I don't like doing anything near her.
I asked her if I could change my glasses frame if I get straight A's for finals
She asked me to find a hammer to nail my bamboo box together
I wanted to show her a picture I took at school with another seven people of which I don't even know three of them
but end up telling myself not to because I don't want her to critize my funny body posture.

My sisters came home and suddenly all in a rush rummaging through some old things behind my closet.
They found a picture of me when I was six and another one when I was eleven taking a picture with my favourite teacher.
I told mum to get rid of my kindergarten ones but she kept them
Next thing I knew, I lost the one when I was eleven.

I saw the printer wire and my sister insisted that we should put it up so mum did and I fixed it. I fixed the printer and clear the carriage jams and all while putting up with all of the screamings going on between both my parents and both my sisters.
I blasted ******* bands in my ears and running loud thoughts in my head.

That day I cut my nails only on my left hand
Later, one my right hand finger is stained from printer ink.

Evening came and dusk came, night came. Midnight came.
I talked to the only person I'm sure I love and reachable. Autumn.
She's 17 and leaving school next year also very worried about her big exam on Nov 3.
She told how her emotional day went that day from how her classmate cried and her teacher cried too so that night
she got into the shower and cried and I said that it is okay
and we talked about biology and saliva and ulcers.
I listened to Good Riddance that night for how it constantly reminds me of people I love: Autumn and Luke and people I loved: Nightingale.

One of my friend also had the same vibe saying she is afraid of tomorrow, afraid of turning fifteen next year just like me.
We laughed about our first day going to school few years back then.
I brought up all those people I used to know and asking myself where did they go?
Or was I'm the one who disappeared?
Night came as I sit on a dying school chair listening to the ******* loud TV downstairs
I made coffee and listen to those voices.
Dad switched off the TV I was left with a strangling silent even with music on full volume.

Unconsciously, I grasped the coffee mug in front of me
clinging to its blistering warmth and started to cry for no reason just draining out the weight of life of today.
I shut my eyes with intent to barricade those tears from falling
but
it just pools and pour out and didn't cease and I just let them be until I hear someone going upstairs.
Oh how embarassing to see me in this state wiping off tears on the sleeves of my shirt where my heart should have been

Here I am in this endless mirage with a mug of coffee listening to the low hum of voices so familiar and imagery of many people that I'd like to take their pain away
just to let them breathe for a while.
I sipped the bitter coffee to the last drip
I tried not to think of those times when I haven't listen to this one song quite awhile
and
just before I press play it crossed my mind what if this song changed
It was kind of disappointing that it didn't but the feelings I had for this song did change
I took a few glance at my bookshelf and lost in this flashback when I used to measure my height on it
and
adding another 28 cm just to see how tall Luke was and it turns out he was taller than my bookshelf
so before I went to sleep on the same night, I told myself that I need to be at least 175 cm.

I lean against my chair trying hard to recall when did those things happened?
It can't be that long ago but
the image is so unreachable in my head.
Today, it's emotional day Autumn said it's an emotional day and
I said strikethrough 'an'
Today, life seemed as inevitable as death is
I'm here with no particular purpose of living set in my mind except surviving against a few little distraction
and
let me tell you this

*I like it.

I think about her insipid facade
How I never wanted to be like her
Aloof introvert in a masquerade

I think about him and his sight all blur
He was a mess but had her in his lure

I end up next to her, being her, refrained
Sharing bed, lacing shoes, we're both insane

Autumn falling snow
Sees melted snow as her tears
Thus hope winter lasts

I can't recall what the pale moonlight brought upon us
The demise of everything, everyone we're holding on for
was sent to us by the remnants of
their comatose ghosts.

We woke up to a trainwreck next to our window and
Many of us is sick of this because they see it everytime daylight come everytime their
eyes are unfolded.
They got used to this silent commotion but
I'm not immuned to this for up to this day I
woke up just to tell myself that
this is an illusory and go back to sleep,
anticipate in melancholic dreams until my grim fate come taking me to somewhere
less
real.

No one. Not even you
or her
or him
tried to reprimand this delusion on mine
until I was nothing.
Nothing but a corpse.
I spent a lifetime hiding from reality away from this
sick world
I locked myself in a ******* prison I created myself and threw the ******* key straight to hell.

And you.
All of you just watch me burn no one told me I was engulfed in kerosene and that the flames
are catching up with me and I
I could've survived.

Well, today came and all I know is that I'm an another trainwreck stranded beside
a stranger bedroom window
I'm her nightmare I'm becoming my fear this is all becaused of your promises that you'll be there
saving me from every harm but you didn't tell me I was the menace (oh how could you save me from my own self?)
You watched me burn with a smile spreading on your face

Just try and sa--

It felt like the same 4.00 A.M as it was yesterday when he called it's just today phone calls are the last ones you will get from him and his voice will echo until you breathe your last breath

It's not love. This is nothing like it. It's just a trick of time and you know it so, darling. This banal life make you feel your heart have eye and you joke around and tell people you want it to go blind. One day you wake up and you are thinking what to say and find a way to chase away the curse you yourself put upon your world. Your mind and words might not go together and as you lay in bed at night, things started to look a little transcedental: he left and the gap there was so big that you didn't have enough people to fill it. You tell yourself the long nights will end in the right way, daylight will show itself upon your window bashing you with hopes. That one face that appears uninvited in your thoughts may have lost his way somewhere and found a home in you so those pain he can't bear was stashed between your ribs. Maybe that made the man felt good. After that, he got to his next plan. He put your head inside his hands amd he hold them very hard with a vicious smile on his face. And

You've been to this place many times before but everytime you're here, the feeling is new. This is the kind of feelings you don't hope to end. Because this is when and where you remember that time your sun holding your hand. His beautiful home in you collapsed and he fell on his knee. Your skin leave thoughts hanging on your epidermis. Those bright veins in you, that thing got dark and you start wishing you talked to the girl with tears that lives next to your door whom always goes out on cold days. God, her dreams is gone but she never stop, she keeps going, keeps on hoping the sky will get better. Oh, her lips knew she would

In the past, mum told you to try hard and understand that broken feeling that attacked your nightmares. She said she had done it for years and that healing deep cuts takes time. Her fear was that it's gonna last forever because she felt like it was. Even her eyes told her that possibility. Here's the moment that never fails to make her happy. Everything blurred to black, the air is ****** out of her lungs as she thinks she's gonna sleep somewhere far tonight. Far

You are trying to decide what you wanted the best. It is hard to stay when no one cares and the sweet blood you're covered in was blue. Blue and cold. You're in a flashback and this is when you hate your mum because she is trying to put up your hair. In a few hours, when you walk down the aisle, her hair will be whiter that it is now. Believe her when she asked for help because she is running out of breath but you. You didn't listen. You were covering your ears. Now what

Turn back and find the faces that are lost in the room. This is what you've turned out to be

*An episode of spring dream.

pens ebb warm winter
crying snow was all melted
icicle's falling