hello again--

i fell off the "write everyday because it's good for you" wagon
and instead have been reading,
and doing yoga
and trying not to wish for death,

and endless nebula of darkness and void space
cosmic light exploding over in over in the reaction
of night,
this black goes on
inside my head
this pulsing of "should i be here"
"is there a point"
"can i really do anything to change the world"

so i just float through,
sipping coffee and reading Dracula
and hoping that it's enough
for now--

jagged beast with
teeth aplenty,

keen eyes flashing
with thoughts of prey,
of me
no,
of my thoughts
just swimming in
circles wondering
when we'll meet--

this 'should be' day nine
but i'm not sure if it is--

i have such mixed emotions
floating through my head-space,
not sure if i should be sexting you
or ignoring you--

i love you--

there's no question in my mind,
but is it good?
is it healthy & sustainable?

only time will tell--

the girl
   flapped her arms
until they grew,

sprouting grotesque
black limbs
feathered in darkness--

and off
she flew
into the night--

I am paralyzed by fear.
I am paralyzed by doubt.
I am paralyzed by the questions I don't want but need to ask.
I am paralyzed by the answers I don't want but need to know.
I am paralyzed staring at my pillows as my body hangs sideways off of the bed.
I am paralyzed by the feelings I almost wish I had never felt.
I am paralyzed by my past.
I am paralyzed by past lies and how they're seeping into my present psyche.
I am paralyzed by the love that I've felt.
I am paralyzed by the potential love I'm now unsure I want to feel.
I am paralyzed by the future, by what it holds.
I am paralyzed by you.