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 Mar 2014 Naomi Erin
Mikaila
As Hell
 Mar 2014 Naomi Erin
Mikaila
I always wonder why it is
That seeing someone else's tears
Creates such awe in me.
I want to ease your pain
But I am also
Transfixed by it.

The mask slips
When people cry.
The seams rip
And all of a sudden parts of them
That are never meant to be seen
Writhe in the light,
Raw and agonized and
Beautiful
As hell.
I do mean that- hell.
It is both
Divine and perverse
To witness someone else's pain.
I always hold my breath
As if I could shatter their soul
Just with the knife's edge of my gaze.

When you cry
Most people politely look away
For their own comfort
And tug their disguises closer,
Check their pinnings
Reminded of their fragility
By the gauche display
Of yours.

When you cry
I
Freeze like a photograph
And I see you as a child
I see you as a god
I see you
As a rainstorm reaching its fingers across
All the ugly concrete and glass we build
And getting inside
Underneath
To make the trees bloom.
When you cry
I see you like I see a painting
Hung in a museum so quiet you want to hush your heartbeat
Just to keep the stillness electric.
When you cry
You are so bright that when I glance at you
And look away
I am blind for a moment.

There is something about seeing that loss of control in another person
That one second of utter truth
The brutal, consuming honesty that comes with tears
That reaches inside, for those who dare let it,
And wounds exquisitely.
There is a bare second
When the part of them that recoils from the light
Clasps shriveled hands with the answering piece of you
And both hurt-
To see and to be seen
But that moment
Reminds you that you are alive
And
Why.
Craving: Car-Rave-Ing: N;
1) An obsessive need or want for something.
2) To crave; a desire to have something right away.

Needless to say, I'll go another few minutes, hours, days, with what my therapist calls "a craving." It makes my skin crawl, my jaw clench, my heart race, I become restless. At that point, it's no longer mental.

All of my dreams are consumed by my own definition of happiness, no, ecstacy. But because my definition doesn't correlate with the american dream, my happiness must end in what they call "sobriety" and I have to deal with what my therapist calls "a craving."

The yellow bird I once had flew away, and like a light switch, emotion took it's place. I now have to feel which has always been, since day one, the exact reason I crave another reality. One like Alice In Wonderland, where no one else got to see. One like Limitless, where every one else got to see and wanted.
You asked me what they were like. And now you know.

THIS is a craving.
I wrote this to an ex boyfriend of mine who abused me for 2 years. He still uses drugs to this day (he hasn't gone one day without the needle), but he always asked me why I couldn't live without them. I simply told him the cravings were too bad and he questioned what they were like.
 Mar 2014 Naomi Erin
Mikaila
When you hurt me and I'm okay about it, it doesn't mean that you've taught me to be stronger, or improved my outlook, or...done anything positive, actually. If you hurt me and I don't fall apart, it only means that you were the last connection I had to my feelings, and that by cutting it off you have cut the last of my ties and sent me drifting away from everybody in my life. When I actually love you and you actually hurt me, any "okay" you see, and tell yourself you've made me strong and wise enough to achieve, is actually just a slow paralysis of the heart, a spreading numbness that, honestly, scares me more than any pain.
Heads up. The silent treatment is actually never helpful.
I did it. All of it. I'm guilty of it.
I did it to forget.
I did it to become vacant.
I did it to make the constant neurosis, my own personal insanity justified.
I did it. All of it.

I did it because it seemed to be the only thing that could create the smallest ability in myself to smile.
I did it because it was easier,
I did it because it was the only "happy pill" that worked.
I did it to feel comfort, which quickly became survival.
I did it. All of it. I'm guilty.

I did it regardless of what I had to do to be able.
I did it impulsively, desperately, selfishly.
I did it to silence, or at least muffle those voices that only I could hear.
I did it to separate my soul from my body.
I did it in bathroom stalls, ally ways, in broken down and abandoned houses, in public.
I did it with people who did it too.
I did it isolated from the world and everyone in it.
I did it to slow me down, to speed me up, to function, to change the way I was without it.
I did it away from home so I could avoid the exact feelings I didn't want to feel that i saw in the ones I should have loved.
I did it. All of it.

I curled up on the floor, begging whatever may have been listening to rid me of this evil exploding out of my center. I filled my heart with a theoretical Novocaine that I'd concocted myself.
I pushed them all away.
I was alone.

Yes, I did it. All of it. I'm completely guilty of it.
Now when I speak, I hear no response.
I hope this reaches out to anybody who can relate addiction to their life. This is the gist of mine. I originally wrote this to read to my dad so he could understand what lengths I went to and how I sold myself short. I had 18 months and relapsed a few days after I got my NA tag and felt the need to give my father an answer when he asks "why." I have about 4 months clean, now.

P.s. -My dad is my best friend. He's helped me along the way. <3
In a room, loud with noises,
held without a break in their voices.
Thousands of people,
but it's so lonely here.
Some of them I'd call friends,
reeking of the smell of beer,
they follow such childish trends.
Still, when the night ends,
so will the buzz,
and we'll all go home,
alone.

In a sea of outspoken tongues,
their outgoing breath fills my lungs.
I'm drowning.
But nobody saves me.
Maybe it's better off that way?
feeling so dark within the sea
in the brightest light of April.
The dark slowly turns to day,
the stars will fall,
and we'll all go home
alone.
 Mar 2014 Naomi Erin
Madeline
space
 Mar 2014 Naomi Erin
Madeline
there's nothing
it is a void of space
the only reminder of life
is the breath that passes your face

there's silence
it is an echoing of tears
the memories and happiness
is the forgotten love, it sneers

there's pain
it is a drowning fate
the lost and the goodbyes
is the relationship that is too late

there's gravity...
it holds infinity here
the small speck of life
is the equation that we hear
A flawless red curve of
Seductive lips
Your bold tongue
On the cusp of mine
I savor your words
Reckless declarations
Breathed down my throat
Slashing my soul
A wound that won’t heal
Exposed to the memory of
*******
Memories that make it my ruin
The way you wrenched my heart
Racked my mind
Molested my soul
The desolation you left me with
When you were done

I look for Pink
To comfort and inspire
My emotional essence
You will see if you
Look into my eyes.
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