I want someone to need me
Or at least want me
To feel my presence
To turn to me for help
To cry on my shoulder
To ask to spend time with me
As much as I ask them

Because right now
I just feel like the unwanted friend
The one who no one really wants around
But politely puts up with

I'm the replaceable teammate
Who has useful skills
But my space could easily be filled
By a thousand other people

Everywhere I go
I am either unneeded
Unwanted, or replaceable
I am merely a spare person
Who people forgot
The moment I am beyond sight

Sometimes you just don't want to hear anything
Not praise, not comfort, not pity
Because in that moment it means nothing

You just want to get it all out
And have them agree
And not say another word

Because in that moment in time
Nothing they say will make you feel better
And there is nothing they can do but listen
And watch you cry
And accept that no matter what
It just won't get better today

Maybe tomorrow it will
But not today

An army I brought together
Has begun to unite against me
Forcing me out of the world I created
And denying every word

But that's ok
There are other soldiers In this world


So let the war begin...

My emotions are always on public display
As if they're a movie for you to watch, analyze, and decode
I suppose you could say I wear my heart on my sleeve

Many people don't understand this
For their emotions are locked in heavily guarded fortress
To which only a select few are allowed access

I attempted this for a time
It was not long before I realized it was not an option for me
For my capability to achieve what I wish
Depends on my ability to feel

Once one allows themself to completely let go
They are able to create something in the hearts of those around them
And slowly pull them out of their fortresses
And ever closer to their sleeves

So I suppose my ultimate goal
In everything I do
Is to force others to feel

And draw out of them
What I so openly express

When she was alone
                      Day after day
She filled the ocean
                      Then locked it away
And still to this day
                       No one has seen
The ocean she filled
                       Or knows it to be
She continues to smile
                      Tell a few lies
But she can’t forget
                       The ocean she cried
And though it may always
                      Be in her head
She prays she’ll never see
                       The ocean again

We're anything and everything but atypical.

Anorexia. Bulimia. OSFED, binge or orthorexia.

Hell, there's even hybrids now: diabulimia.

There's a name for every demon I've eaten. For the thing that lives inside of me; feeding off of starvation.

There's power in it. You know, the kind of sick courage that comes from skipping meals and counting calories.

Lower numbers, lower anxieties.

When you're thin it's an eating disorder, they say.

When you're fat it's called a diet, they say.

We're surviving on pills and Coke Zero. This isn't the 80's, honey, SlimFast doesn't work as well as ******* do.

I was taught that pain is beauty, but laxatives on an empty stomach are far from pretty.

I don't want to be beautiful, I want to be nothing. Not a thing in this world. What do I want?

To be like an Angel: perfection on the inside and out.

To be both powerful and protected. In control and out of it.

Is this Schrodinger's eating disorder?

It goes deeper than food. Farther than the veins; blue and translucent underneath my skin.

I'm cold and gone, honey. This thing has got a hold on me.

I'm water, tea, early mornings and late nights. Scales, chewing gum and breath mints.

I'm crushed by the weight hanging off of my bones, and I don't know how to get better.

screams,

and hundred dollar bills


a squeaking bed

Working behind closed doors,

pleasures known to a faceless man


she suffocates in her tears

"I am happy or sad?"

she wonders


It feels so wrong,

but so right

Is this where I belong?


within a rush of a fading high,

and the agony of a broken heart


my waning spirit,

it drifts in this endless cosmos

as I watch its infinite stars,

burning out,

one at time,


to when I become devoured,

into its black hole

with my tears to the skies