Eventually someone sees you
And that someone will make you see
That all those years
Where you felt like no one
Were nothing more than a blip
On your timeline

All you have to do
Is hold on until they find you

Hello thigh gap
As soon as you just about 2 weeks and 4 months away,
I was left astray,
Betrayed by my own delusion of beauty
And illusion happiness

Hello thigh gap
They say the apple doesnt fall far from the tree,
But I learned that didnt aply to me when I was three
Because I will never be like my mother

Hello thigh gap
I can't eat without beating myself up
I am such a mess
That I still can't fit in my old dress

Hello thigh gap
I want to be like those girls on tumbr
But im not even remotely skinny
Nor am I pretty

Hello thigh gap
I cant stand this self hate
Its my one fatal flaw
That might just be the end of it all

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

And if you are to love,
Love as the moon loves.
It doesn't steal the night,
It only unveils the beauty of the dark.

And if you are to love,
Love as the rain loves.
It doesn't wet the bodies,
It only washes the sad dirt of the souls.

And if you are to love,
Love as the wind loves.
It doesn't drift away,
It only cleanse you to the core by invading through each pore.

And if you are to love,
Love as the sun loves.
It doesn't radiates heat,
It only pours its warmth on you to enlighten your way.

And if you are to love,
Love as the star loves.
It doesn't delightfully twinkles,
It only reminds you that not even death can separate two hearts.

And so forth,
if you are to love
Love as the whole universe
& not just a part of it.

I was scared to love you
Because I know this ends
One of two ways

Outcome 1:
We try,
And we crash and burn
And everyone around us is stuck
Cleaning up the ashes
As it becomes hard
To simply look you in the eye

Outcome 2:
Which is far less likely
We are a perfect match
And live in a world of bliss
For two years...

And then you leave
Not because you want to
But because that's where you are in life
And I would be left behind

Both hearts would break
But you would be going on to bigger things
And I'd be trapped for another two years

So I created outcome 3
Where nothing changes
Because in outcomes 1 and 2
I lose you

But what I neglected to realize
Is that in outcome 3
You will still leave
And I will still miss you

In this outcome
I just didn't have the guts
To say yes to something
That could have been beautiful

And now when you leave
I won't be left with a broken heart
But I will be left
With the "what if"

I found a skirt at the thrift store.
Beautiful and vintage and too small.
So I bought it.
I’m thinking, “My new inspiration skirt. My motivation skirt. My, I wish I could fit into this skirt.”
Everyone does this. Right?
Am I the only one who doesn’t have anything to wear because my closet is full of clothes that I wish would fit me?
I think, “How hard it is really to lose 15 pounds?”
You know.. “The right way”.
The way that doesn’t leave your stomach gnawing away in protest.
The way that doesn’t make your head hurt and your hair fall out.
It can’t be that hard.
The old me used to run on an empty stomach and then wonder why she’s out of breath.
Sometimes she hides behind a mirror and it scares me half to death.
She couldn’t eat without the numbers.
Her thoughts sorting good food and bad food.
I always want the bad food.
Sometimes she’d let me eat, but never without filling my head full of why I shouldn’t.
She’d watch videos of low-cal, low-fat, no flavor, gluten free, vegan brownies, and then she’d pop in another piece of gum and go to bed hungry.
She would hate me right now.
I hate her always.
She thought for some reason the longer she could go without eating was equal to how strong she was.
Skipping meals became a test in self control and I've always been a bit of an over achiever.
I became half of who I was before.
She had those pesky pills stashed away in my dresser drawer.
This skirt would fit her.  
She would relish in the feeling of her emptiness.
She’d twirl in my skirt and wait for the low grumble of hunger to say hello again.  
But I’m not her.
She left when I woke up one morning and decided I didn’t want to punish myself anymore.
But sometimes, part of her lingers.
She visits only on my bad days, when my jeans feel too tight or my dress doesn’t fit like it used to.
She likes to remind me that I was happy when I was starving,
And it takes all of me to ask her to leave.
I don’t know why I bought this skirt.
Sometimes I can’t help it.
Old habits die hard and I still step on a scale almost everyday.
So I pray for strength because she’s my biggest weakness.  
To wake up and feel okay and not hate myself for who I used to be, but learn to love this body that I have been given.

she doesn't love you.
and he loves another.
so maybe for tonight.
we can fix eachother.

You are slipping away
I'm not sure if you notice
But I certainly do

Each day, you grow a bit more distant
And I feel as though I am unwanted
You would rather spend your time
With the one who I lost

You and her give a glance
And you know what the other is saying
That used to be me
With both of you

She slipped away
And you swore you wouldn't
Do you intend to keep the promise?

If you don't, tell me
Because I am so sick of mind games
I just need people to be blunt with me
So I can cry, and get over it

I know you're not yourself right now
You've been through hell, and I want to help
But now you rush to her, they way she rushed to you
And yet again, I'm just a second choice