so what
If my reality-
The Grainy Daze in which I survive-
Isn't what you see?
                                       I DON'T CARE
(no, I do)
What if all the images of mine
That I hopelessly entwine
Don't fit the same resolution
And it's all
Cut.
Short.
and the credits roll?

Something must make you happy;
something must make you sad.
Humans cannot simply be.
Events construct emotions.
Right?
Something must be wrong with her-
An extra something, making her disturbed.
Removing that will fix her, yes?
An extra foot of hair- watch it fall from silver sheers;
an extra twenty pounds- watch as each disappears;
an extra pint of blood- feel it evaporate with old fears.
With everything wrong now gone there is no sorrow.

Sadness is not replaced with joy,
it's not replaced at all.
The hollow void must be filled somehow.
Something must be wrong with her-
A missing something, making her incomplete.
Adding that will fix her up, yes?
One more earring- a small silver pin;
One more scar- a memory on her skin;
One more boy- feel him feel her in sin.

Addition and subtraction won't make a person whole,
but it's too late now for her to walk away.
She's started a complex equation
and will never see the solution defined.

I feel as though I’ve done sub par
I’ve come so far
But you’ve set for me
Such a **** high bar
Ranked me alongside men like the czar
But can’t you see?

I’m not there yet
My decisions are not set
In stone
I feel such a threat
All the time I fret
That what I plan, I will not own

I feel  alone in my collapse
Caught in traps
With no way of escape
My judgment, or rather lapse
There of - left me without maps
To my future- years to come haven’t taken shape

Your expectations
Lead to conversations
After which I feel everyone I’m Disappointing
I stare at your success during many late night congregations
My emulations
Are littered with your qualities- sharp pain in what I lack- Pointing

Fingers at my weaknesses
But they aren’t coming from geniuses
They spout from my own hands
From by brain packed with diseases
Nothing pleases
Me. Who knows where my future lands?

Life's weird
Without your crooked smile
Your mess over mine; tiered
You: in denial-
My pride blocked rationale
Your ignorance lied
But all the while, pal
We kept ourselves tied
Down.

Someone else spits words
But only one I hear
They remind me of the way we were absurds
Dear

Someone else stutters
There words as in-cohesive as our intrusive
Thoughts- never uttered
****** up as our ribs- protrusive

Someone else reads
"the sharp edges of the night"
Had they felt the sharp seeds
Planted to grow into an everlasting fight

Someone else reads s l o w l y, meaningfully
But I don't listen
Numbed dully
Behind my eyes I no longer glisten

Someone else breaks
Give me hunger
She won't know how the fakes
Make everything last longer

To them they're just
Words that someone else wrote
Not something that took courage to must
Not a secret/ scribbled on a note
(to no one)

Solutions seem to be tossed to me
How simple it would be
If I could just cry
(let it all out)
If I could just die
(let it all end)

But oh how you
Complicate the way I think

I have two eyes
With no irises
So the pupils can expand and narrow
Indefinitely

Music for breakfast-
absorb it through my heart.
Like a plant absorbs light.
But I scratch out Track Six
Like a plant blocks green,
because I don’t like Track SIX.

Everything I see
because making a selection
is too hard.
I can’t.
I end up looking
like a primary schooler.
First given the privilege to dress himself.

My biggest secrets
are the things I’ve forgotten.

I wish I could be the things I’ve forgotten
The amnesia
I’m in love with the way she doesn’t care.

I dream our child.
Split 50/50 genes.
A surgical device who’s name I can’t recall-
but amnesia probably can-
That cuts apart and immediately sews back
together

I dream in my sleep
the things that I can.
And everything is real
because it is all from what I
recall.

I think.
Because I must confess-
Reflections are always a bit deranged.
Ripples through my face
when a pebble hits the water.

We’re all suicidal
Our bodies
Our minds

Whatever demons conquer us first
Chemicals
Organs

Seems the most respectable way
To stop beating
Is a drive by
Shot to the head

****** is all that’s left
Each other

But only naturally
Your own bullet
Would be the way out

To die on your own will
They say is a sin

The situation
Turns you around
Reversibly
Dizzy with an unsuspecting victim’s sight

If you can’t put an end
To the beat of your heart
Decide when to pull the plug

The trigger

I guess, you’ll have to go
By some sort of ******

It was weird
I didn’t think about
Jumping off
That’s cliche

I thought about
How last time I was there
With Him
I was getting high over cheap wine
and weird vegan pizza

And there was a tiny gold lock
With no key and nothing was
Engraved

And we tilted over the
edge
And walked across the
beams
Where we should have been scared but
the wind and the ****
Kept us afloat.

There used to be
Love in the air
Blatantly shown- for all to see
Long gone, and I wouldn't dare
To try again
Not much longer
Before it's a sin
To mutter those words, no fonder
Am I of the concept
Of love
Than I am of the way you're inept
Push and shove
****
You
Left no luck
Isn't that true
My father and my mother
You and I
Don't love one another
I thought forever 'till we die
On that very first date
Little did I know
That long ago sealed was our fate
It didn't show
Scared am I now
When I see the way we reflect
My parents relationship- wow
They way they were able to infect
My love life with their hell.

Here I am
The master of change
Trying not to give a ****
Guess the simple exchange
Of window views
Wasn't enough to alleviate
Them **** social cues
Tellin' me to incarcerate
The feelings I've got for you


It's hard to get over you
(You're in my head)
When I'm so often under you
in my bed
So I'm leavin' this town
Gettin' out while I still can
Won't let you hold me down
'Cause darlin', you ain't my man
Anymore

I broke down helplessly
And I know it's weak
That I'm running selfishly
Away from home, but I ought to seek
Out some sort of happy emotion
That's only far away from you
Accept this notion
And move on, too
That shouldn't be hard for someone like you

I miss awaking
With you by my side
Faking
Not wanting to let you inside
With your body pressed against mine
Begging
For me to say fine
And me finally letting
Myself give into your delicious temptation
Good morning ***
Before goodbye at the train station
Forgetting what wrecks
We had created
Losing our minds
We were sedated
Ignoring the signs
Destined for failure
My teenage romance
You were too much my senior
To be happy with a careless dance
And the lights went out
You were gone
And with that came pouring doubt
At dawn
Simple love may not exist
To act unconsciously
Is  not permissed
And certainly love is no democracy
I miss awaking
with you by my side

It's amazing,
the way I was drawn to him
because he looked
like summer at a time
I craved only the hollowness
of winter.
It's amazing
that his love
compensated for my
self hate,
and that he was able to make me forget
who I was.
The simplicity in
holding hands captivated me and
I forgot that I was addicted to speed. Everything about the way
he let me love him was slow and innocent.
He fixed me.
He sewed up my
spine, expanded my
stomach,
and thawed my
lungs with his
warm breath.
The scars faded,
but it was amazingly easy
for him to change his mind: rip out the stitches
leaving them to
bleed, open to
infection,
and wanting
anything that could stop
the pain.
****** in the back seat
of some guy's car,
lines off an unknown
man's kitchen counter,
smoke in my
parents house
with the window
open so I could
pretend they didn't know,
cuts
up my legs.
Anything
to forget that someone could be
so
**** cruel,
anything to forget that someone could be
so
happy. Lost
in the tears that run
with the water
in the shower
twice a day, lost
in my mind that cannot
escape
itself
no matter how
intoxicated...
No matter how
exhausted, was my sanity. Everything has
escaped,
he still looks like summer,
I finally found the hollowness
of winter.
It's amazing how
it happened:
it started; it ended.
Eventually,
one of us will die
And
the other will regret that it didn't
last.
It will be amazing
the way one of us
feels again in those first few moments
after the other is
gone. If
I last, will i watch the
flashes
of our lives and
feel again
the ignorant perfection of our
love or the
pain of removing the
stitches?

Motivation is at an all time low
Goodnight angels, goodnight hell
Goodnight world, let's take it slow.

Looking off the same ledge
Making the pledge
That I won’t one day be
One of  the people who see
That view
As their last view
Jumping/ falling before they see the light

A million years ago on a dark warm night
I walked across the ledge and exhaled
Remember me, when our relationship’s Hell was unveiled
When we were in love
With the push and shove
This place could be

To me
The little girl
She dances and sings
A bicyclist
His bell it rings
A man
He smokes
A classmate
She jokes
I see graffiti
Take a look,
Sweetie.

17
Million little pieces
Sprinkles
Hammered Coke

The wind blows
It falls
Cascades

Faded
Me and then the high
Where the little pieces gone

Colors gone
White it overtakes. I overlook.
Or pigment spread across Earth

17
Million little pieces
For me to stumble upon
Serendipitously

Run into me
As I cross from Hell to Hell
Pieces of me.

One through the window
To **** the pane
Next through my Brain
To **** the insane
Laughed to myself

Because Babe, it’s ironic

Noise cuts
like glass
For all the times we’ve been called *****
Break the obscured

Frames

It’s gone: the fog shattered
making way for the clear outdoors
Turn it 90 degrees, mind already scattered
Click

But it’s silent
There was only one
No permit of my violent
Shh

Click-Click-Splash-Fall
How am I here?
There was no fire
I’m on the ground, dear.
Red. Taken over by what
Must have been the fear.

Nothing can **** the insane
Not even my Brain.

Maybe I am reading too far
Into the perfect inconvenience
That our crooked teeth align- on par
Made something of an alliance,
it’s just
Coexistence
My reality, I must adjust.

Shift, Cut, Script
How can I trust God’s directions are not,
Automated. I’m gypped.
****, I’m caught.
Spin, and ask, prayer, light as a feather.
Perfection should not be sought
After.
We’ll run for wonderful together

It’s okay, it’s a trick
But are you even aware?
I’m an addict
Caught in your stare.
Recognize my pure desire
Fall through my exhaled air,
Now
Willingness to be caught in your barbed wire.