"I'm not a beggar!"
My mother laughs this line
at a lady trying to rip us off
a pure silver choker.

"I'm not a beggar!"
My mother half-jokes,
Wrapping the silver choker in a thick plastic ziploc
after she cut the price down to zero profit

"I'm not a beggar."
My mother's crying now.
Salty tears on her cotton nightgown
as we think of the life we lived before.
A whole life away from the rotting wooden table
we laid a cloth upon
to sell our old wares.

The glitz and glamour
the gala dinners
the pageants
and diamond-encrusted models.

It all came down because of me.

I wanted to go to an international school
I wanted to live on an island
I wanted a castle
I wanted a dog
I wanted everything.

It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
All my fault.

I'm sorry.
I am so, so sorry.

You should have killed me with our last kiss
You did worse things with those lips
Helen off beauty alone send an armada to war
But you alone could turn back those ships
They say the pen is mighter than the sword
But I need more for the devils in my Ink
They say love is in the eye of the beholder
I guess that's why's it's gone in a blink

I'm worried about in the evil in half my blood
From the man I share a name with
Drive towards brown liquor like mud
These genetics come with shame as a language
I've seen the face of the beast

It'll take what makes me,me
What makes live worth living
It's hunger knows no ending
And my body will start giving
It will swallow me whole
Starts with a taste
Take my mind,heart ,and soul
I will forget your face
And it always starts slow
Nothingness will take your place
Like my father before me and his before him
To everything I love it will give chase
And it's devours at a whim
Nothing will be safe
Send to the wind
I know it will take me and hold me
I must travel this road and I know what's beyond the bend
Not knowing yourself or your own life,the things that should be your only
Please no, just not today
Please no,any other way
To those I care this is my last will and testament
I will always love you,even if I can't remember it

Did you know that an eastern
bluebird is a type of thrush?
It reminds me of her eyes, but
I've tried not to tell you.
And did you know a bluebird
has a red chest, like a robin?
Bright red, like the shoes
she wears even when it rains
and the water soaks through.
Did you know that a robin
is also in the thrush
family?

I can hear her steely-eyed
hope--in the bluebird's trill.
Did you know that chemotherapy
can be administered by pill?

My heroes growing up
were golden-haired princes
and gun-toting superspies
that would crash through my bedrom windows
and whisk me away
to a world more beautiful than this one.

My heroes as a young, ***** teenager
were the scruffy rebels.
Sid Vicious. Joan Jett. Amy Lee.
Gerard Way. Brendon Urie.
who would scream their ways through my bleeding ears
and pierce my heart like needles,
And stir my pre-pubescent *** drive like a raunchy letter to a middle-aged, dissatisfied wife.

My heroes changed as I grew older
As my standards became lower for them.
because I thought i didn't deserve anything.

The man across the street who smiled at me.
The man who offered me a towel when I threw up on the bus.
The classmate who gave me directions once.

Then I met you, and you saved me.
Like the golden-haired prince
and gun-toting spy
from my dreams.

But today

One came in the form of a lady who bought a necklace from my mother.
And now we can afford two coffees instead of one.

Modern-day heroes.
****, I need to learn to save myself.

To heal a wound you have to stop touching it.
So I'm ignoring you.

Today I saw pity.
Pity in eyes fixed right on me.

The girl that never knew love.
And the oh so perfect, He.

Today I guess was my judgement.
Patient fingers tap awaiting for my repent.
But to Him, I had none...
I feel it's been time well spent.

Little dove are you hurting?
Are you all torn up inside?
This love you keep trying to feel;
Where oh where could it hide?

The tides are changing quickly.
I see you becoming bored.
Every jagged knife stab...
When will a Prince come end it with his sword?

Empty hearts poor out sorrow.
Cracked hearts set the room a flood.
Having both just makes you hollow...
The water runs red with your blood.

Misery loves company.
But look, you're all alone.
Look at how you make them smile,
While your fragile heart turns into stone.

Every time I do wrong
I find this is where I stand
On the corner of forgiveness
Across the street from I'll be ******

I could stay here in confessing
Ask forgiveness or take a loss
I could move in either direction
By way of Judas or Saint Paul

Saint Paul thought him a righteous man
As Judas felt the same
Taking God's law into their own hands
Playing their religious games

Did they do it for right reasons
Or the fame and fortune that it holds
How do you dress up for your seasons
By way of Judas or Saint Paul

While most our lives all read the same
Chapter along with verse
The turn of the page could go either way
As life runs along its course

You could either seek repentance
Or go down with the fall
Its all in how you run your business
By way of Judas or Saint Paul

from August, 2016

A clear, crystal orb-
rests alone,
In the center of the table..

She 'chants', this Gypsy woman,
as her gnarled hands
move...slowly,
caressing its silk-smooth surface..

A mist forms
within the glass,
a cloud... that holds the future...
and the past

An image begins to materialize
and there, before my very eyes
Sits a man.......
contentment on his face.............

He is asleep... an arm....
folded across his chest-
And on his hand, a simple ring-
with a cross etched on its crest

"My father?"

"Closer", I look-
as the mist recedes-
'Tis' not my father!".....

For 'he'.............is "me!"*


r riddle 08-14-2016

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