This is not the beginning
or the end
of a life-long journey
it is a meaningless act
a silent scream
like a rain
knocking on a window
before it breaks
or a rib cage so tight
it disallows breathing
how far can you fall
if you lay on a ground beaten
so take your dull wits to play
in hall of colorful emotions
you have no reason to stay
on a day of fine frenzy

She mourned the faith
Carved upon stone of
The saviors last breath
Alone dipped inside blood
Of dripping feat, fear
Filled the gut of her soul


Wanting to hold onto
A memory of innocence
Her wishes and dreams
Of a beautiful ending
Swept up in the storm
Leaving her empty of


certainty, like dust
Building only to be
Cleaned off when
It's cells disgust
Realists bitter eye


She flung it in the fire
She holds onto ashes
The last of her belief.

Maybe I was only meant to
mend a part of your past
and not stay for your future

Why do you hesitate
Is it fear or disinterest
You're drawing circles around my clarity.

Maybe you were only meant to
reignite the poetry in me
and leave me in pieces still

Maybe we were only meant to
be all that we are
nothing more.

Maybe it's what I really needed
a lesson on slowing down
on patience

Maybe you were only meant to
bring me sweet moments
hopeful little reminders

Because you've made no move
and I've got no guesses
on what you're feeling

Maybe the truths I'm feeling here
are not the same for you
I can only speak for myself.

My mind over full
Where to restart
My plate staked high
With pain and tears
Long ago I used to have
No plate
My mind full of songs

There's a first time for everything, I guess

My initiation to the cult of harm came last night
After I'd made sure everyone had gone to bed
Crept over by the window and moonlight
Placed my arm on the altar in front of me
Mechanically, efficiently swabbing it with alcohol
Scent sterile
For even in this, I will hold onto the pretense of a rationalist

I deride myself, tell myself I'm just going through with it because it's what people would expect from the depressed
That I could stop myself easily and so it's my fault if I don't
But god, I want to lose control so badly

The needle skitters across my skin and I shiver
It dances swirls along my arm
You don't need blood and scars for pain

It scrapes angrier against my skin
And a blissful silence pierces my head
As my own voice fades from between my ears

It's a trance-like happiness
A closed-eyed, fluttering-lashes smile
A beautiful pain throbbing, bringing me back to myself
I could have stayed up hours on that one taste of losing control
But this was just an initiation so I dragged myself away

There's not a trace the next day
Except in my mind where I hunt for all acceptable forms of pain
Push on your bruises, a friend advised
Pencil tips, pens

I stop myself
I resist
I said I wasn't going down this path

I'm on my own in August, I only have to make it to then
Then help, so no more of this

I wait until everyone falls asleep again
And though I am exhausted, stumble toward the moonlight
Sterilize, needle in hand, ready to dance

I refuse to go any farther, I tell myself

Death laughs from inside my head
Baby steps he snickers and
Isn't that what you said last time, doll?

There's a first time for everything after all

I won't,
I reassure the needle tracing kisses across my skin.
I'm fine.

One year.
I read it on the page
twist it until it
cripples around
my tainted fingers.

I looked you
in your eyes
and asked you
why I should stay.

You could never tell me.
Still you never told me.

Actions speak
louder than words
but even your
voice was quiet.

Your hands were still-
Too strained
from words you
gave to her

and never let me breathe-
suffocating
under your insecurity.

She broke you
so you broke me
and I was left
with nothing.

I never had you
and you never wanted me to.

So I broke away
From what left me broken

you still think it's my fault.
I guess it's all just my fault.

For letting someone in
who didn't love me the same.
For loving her
Until it drove me insane.