All I've ever known is how to hold my own
When your born into a heart that cares less for itslef
when your born into a soul that only thinks of those around it
All I've ever known is to hold my own
to keep on striving
keep on surviving
even when the sky makes it feel like i'm drowning
But now with you
I want to stop trying
I just want to be
fall into your arms and have you take care of me
you call me an angel
and all I want to do is make your life as heavenly as you make mine
I love you
But, I'm sorry if I need you too much
its just
all I've ever known is how to hold my own

I chose a path
did i choose wrong?
I thought the answer was no
I chose not to go
and now i'm stuck
feeling guilty for wanting more
Watching all the molecules linking up with one another
new elements
different versions of the same substance called love forming across an ecosystem
and then there''s me
I know I'm not alone
I know there are others
ones that have waited longer than I and still wait
Waiting for that one person to come and tell them 3 words to fill a void
But, still I want that, and I want it now
in this moment
in this instant to be called girlfriend
in this instant to have someone my heart belongs to
in this instant to have someone I can lean on, to hold
someone that will never let me go
But, I'm waiting
a young flower amongst old trees wondering if there will ever be that bee to pollinate with me
Or must I wait to be as old as those who went to serve and then returned
wait to fit in, before having someone to fit with
This I do not know
but in this instant
I wish I knew about you

tell me how can I fall for a screen
how can I feel your warmth without a touch
what satillite will we bounce from
what network will we embrace on
how can I fall for someone so temporary
So easy to delete , to block, to drop
i disconnect and you wonder where I went
what was going on and what this represents
you disconnect and I worry where we're going
if we'll last even with the past
can we exist in the same cast
Can we make something wrong
fit into our live feeds and become our own song

I'm falling for a screen and wondering
are you falling for me?

I am an enigma
a common enigma
for I feel as if I am alone
even though there are hundreds such as I
I feel alone
cause all I see are pairs combining and becoming one
all their single strands into a double helix
and I still float on my own
I'm an O negative in a stream of A positive
just wishing for that one cell to have the same RNA
so I won't be an enigma,
I'll be of a thousand and one

I looked for love
but could not find it
before I met you
your grin spread wide
my small smile could not compare
you talked of poetry and philosophy
laughing when I corrected your words
you sang of music from your heart
no darkness could shroud your strings
I didn't let myself feel
for the feeling hurt too much
to look on you and know
that you were not feeling what my lungs clutched
That if I let out a exhale
it might blow you away
far from me, across the sea
never to speak again
so we sit, sing, and lean against each other
and all the while I hold my breathe
waiting for you to exhale

I seek to learn
Learn how far my faith shall go
to see how much water I can supply
How much sunlight my smile can shine
try different soils
find the best one
Where thoughts can spread
and ideas take root

There are times I think to walk away
take my fertilizing free will and focus on other things
Stay inside on rainy days
and curse at the hailstorm winds

But this is too mind blowing
Pushing leaves out if the ground
Surrounded by carbon layer of questions and confusion
Sedated by oxygen of peace and understanding
I water it, everyday
to see how far my faith will grow
its rose is not yet in bloom
But my sunshine grow brighter each day
As i read the Word and think of Doves
And gather more seed in the garden of Zion

I looked up for a one second pause
and there before me was the stars
Twin sisters appeared in my eyes and streamed down my cheeks
No beauty had anyone yet to see
Except for lonely, standing me
embraced by Cassiopeia
watched by Andromeda and the Pegasus
there I stood a tree, twinkling dew
To see a sky for once so blue

you gave me an angel made of glass
wrapped in soft white tissue
she has bubbles in her dress
and white streaks on her wings
she has no expression,
but sometimes I pretend
she's smiling
not bright, or full of excitement
not sadistic, or full of malice
it's a soft solemn smile
it tells of things that she's lost
but also of things she has gained

I imagine her eyes are closed
uncovered by her braided chestnut hair
no one could disturb her
not even a speck of dust
she clasps her hands in prayer
I imagine the wind blowing across her dress
but still she remains there
nothing shall move her faith
not wind nor time nor space
she sits on my desk
and watches my sleeping face

I was born broken
synapses misconnected
only rerouted by the additives
from chemicals sometimes misspoken
Now I'm shattered
and the only one who can fault is that face in my mirror
I say it was the man who's namesake took on Goliath

like Goliath, he ravaged me and made me question
question who every one else saw in the mirror
but it's not his fault that I've changed
I let him start the film
the rated R film in my brain that won't leave me be
in day and in night
I scream you idiot, idiot, idiot
why? why? why?
every time I let it happen and wonder after
panting and crying what happened
what happened to Disney Movies, and Saturday shows
to happy sing-a-longs and family scriptures
traveling across the ocean to my hawa'ii to find my ohana
thinking to capture back
old lost spirits
idiot, idiot, idiot
why?why? why?
I look up at Him
I'm weak
your Mary has become a beggar
sainthood is gone
an angel has fallen and
wings have shattered
now to the next day
will I ask again, why did I  do it again?
or am I free to live again?

Your body is a temple
that's what I was told
that's what I believe
My soul was a temple too
then they said will you go out with me
one right after another
i said yes
  then they said
        have ***
                 *** with
                          with me
                                       me
                                            me
                                                 me
                                                      me
                                                           me
                                                               me
                                                                   me
I always said no
but I had to say it too many times
my body is still a temple
but my soul is no longer pure
they only see a toy
and now all I see is dirt

My body will always be a temple
but my soul is too damaged to be nothing more than a hut

heart aching
it's bleeding
love gushing out
shining onto future faces that I have not yet met

I want to teach them
make them smile
tears wash down my face at the thought of them crying
at thoughts of them drowning in sorrow
in them needed guidance
direction
anything to help them not fall in

My chest seizes
tension as I imagine them singing
laughing at jokes
smiling with pride at each success
each trophy and red triangular letter
that they knew they could earn

I want to run to them, I want to hug them
let my heart bleed out and fill theirs to the brim
to let my pain wash over them in love
till all feel only happiness and there are no more tears to shed

but for them i will wait
for them i will live with the pain
the pain that they are not yet mine
i will build up my arsenal of caring skills
so that when i draw the map to perfection
i Will not lead them off course

for them I will wait
with pain in my heart
because I know one day they will be mine
and they will never forget
their teacher with the bleeding heart

those earmuffs you gave me were nice
you told me I looked pretty

the whole world said you were physco
I couldn't hear anything but you

I should have taken off those earmuffs

I wasn’t made to beautiful
I’m not some flower to be admired
A perfume for you to smell
I don’t have a stem for you to pick.
I wish I could warn you
Cover myself in thorns
But then my petals would wilt into nothing
My smile curling in on itself
I’m just a book
I may have a pretty cover
Lined in gold and gilded fonts
But my words aren’t just fluff
Read my pages
Read them!
Don’t just skim
I’m not your favorite film
That you can put on repeat over and over
Watch a clip again and again just to feel pleasure
Read and you’ll find adventure
But not in a bedroom
Or the seat of a car
You’ll find it in crazy poetry
And scribbled art
Happy smiles
And twirling dances
You’ll find the story of a girl
Both happy and sad
Confident and shy
Who can’t be defined
Because there is no one like her in the entire world

But, you won’t read, they never read, they only skim
Every pair of eyes never looked at mine, their gaze looking lower
Afraid I’d notice them staring
I didn’t until it was too late
I stepped into your world, it was a mistake
But, I have no way back
No currency to purchase a ticket back to innocence
This world scares me
Barley grappling onto the girl I was
The girl who didn’t know
What a kiss felt like
Who loved everyone and didn’t care who loved her
Who could feel beautiful and not feel disgusted by the word

You ruined that
You led her in blindly and asked her to stay
While you poured cement over her feet,
To make sure she never could escape
How could she be so foolish to follow a devil disguised as an angel

I don’t want to be beautiful
I don’t try
I live everyday not wondering if I look good
I don’t care
As long as I’m covered I’ll be okay
Maybe that’s the reason why they stare
They see a mystery and wonder what’s underneath the fabric
That a smile means an invitation
A kind word means yes
That letting them touch means desire
Why can’t they see, I don’t fit the instruction manual
The stereotypes set before men to study did not include me in the index
A kind word means I want to be a kind person
A smile means to be polite
A touch means no desire for conflict
A long skirt means, I respect myself so please respect me too

But, I know that they’ll never read
They’ll only ever skim
I just hope that my soul finds its other half
Before what’s left of mine is written on by soiled hands
And then burned away in the fleeting wings of self-worth

I've fallen in love with myself
no one beside me but me
I crave the moments
when I can't breath
when there is no more oxygen in my lungs
all ****** out by a touch
no one to receive my breath
no one to give it back
I hate that I love myself
because now
i've lost the One i love

School was a pleasing dream
a world of wonder
in which I yearned
to get through the door
to the desk
to my graphite, with its #2
That scent of worn paper
and paste upon the wood
my place of reprieve
full of my passions like a
kid in a toy shop
a poor boy in a rich man's world
that was when school was
a neverending treasure trove
with golden coin upon coin
but then was suddenly halted by a hard brick wall
the word testing carved against the stones

3rd grade hit
and then my mind
began to bite their words
turning them to solid stone
as time passed on my thoughts degraded
till all was gray
and uniform
like a blonde child in a **** school
mind wiped and reprogrammed
forced to stay in line
scolded to sit still
throwing culture out the window
till only the standardized colors of a flag remained

Now I’m just a bibliophile
sitting atop a pile
with books and texts throughout the ages
heaped under my feet
but I can not make out their stories
For their pages are blackened
and their words blurred
like a rushing river of soiled ink
caused by cluttered shelves
in the library of my mind
that has been burned by torches
held by men and women in suits and ties
holding badges of authority
like my mind is a criminal
being investigated by the FBI

They tell me I should know
that it’s easy
1, 2, 3 go
but I can’t
they locked my door
once they began to teach their TEKS
my colors hid and got locked beneath
and now my mindsets stuck
with no hope for release
What was a rainbow
with it’s *** of golden words
Now resides a rusting locker
with chipping paint and faded words

The creative concepts once in my head
have been broken by just five letters
that changed my words to dull markings
and erased the color from my thoughts
like the page in a coloring book quickly erased
so the sky would be blue instead of magenta
because the sky can never be anything else but blue

Five letters that I thought defined who I was
that I was always worried to fail
A big red F peeking over my shoulder
Five letters that could destroy
thinking that they controlled my fate
three old ladies threatening with their scissors and thread
to cut a cord made of multiple choice answers
Five letters that could mean success
or doom

like a hazy brained plan to stop a war
that could only continue to grow worse as
each soldier fell while running through the minefield of society

But those five letters are just a tool
To add an extra grade
and a little more rules
Stamping labels upon our IQ
Taking away our peace and serenity
Angling our goals away from our own
Adding stress upon tentative minds
Redirecting our thoughts from right to left
so suddenly trees are plastic and
the alphabet only has letters A-H
and all we know are large cement buildings
instead of fields of flowers
My whole world in a pint sized room
with flowing waterfalls that burst from my imagination
obscured by bland walls and heavy doors
Colorful assemblies with
shushing giants making up a chorus
irony written on every poster of every wall
learn and you’ll pass
go to sleep and you’ll pass
eat healthy and you’ll pass
no need for imagination
no need for outside experience
just sit in that chair
and take that quiz
that test
that exam
that benchmark
We’ll have fun later in the year,
but that better not be your essay topic
and that story better not be fiction
And all the while I scream

I want color
I want the sky to be magenta
I want to use every word and phrase available to me
I want to soar as crane flying across a lake
I want to run like a track star to the the finish
Throw down the pencils
the printed paper
throw away the charts and empty messages on the walls
I want to run down the halls
and dance instead of sit
I want to sing instead of speak
I want to learn instead of being taught

But all I can do is sit
All I can do is write
All I can do is conform
So I won’t be thrown in the trash
like a piece of worthless junk
that still has a purpose
So i won’t be stuck in the same room for more than eighteen years
like a prison sentence for not knowing the laws of this country
So i won’t be left behind
like the homeless in the streets

School was a joy
Education was a treasure
But now is defiled
by one
small
packet of paper

Captain America
Every time I swoon when I see that shield
And not just because the actor is hot
Because his heroics stop my heart
I’ve taken the quizzes
Taken every test
Researched the blogs, the books, the films
Determined he is my guardian angel
My soul
My mind
Follow his footsteps
Little man taking the hits
Rolling with the punches
Making those around me feel lit
Mingling with demons and metal men for lunches
I want to be everything that represents him
But he does not represent his name
Not america, roger
But what america is meant to represent, roger
He is not the original 13 colonies, roger
Or north america, roger
Zarahemla, roger
Nephi lehi, roger
But he is Steve, roger
Holding the torch passed by a martyr, roger
Wearing stripes and stars like a crown, roger
Surrounding all those who draw breath with an ancient shield, roger
He is almost a modern Christ in a mortal mind, roger
He is what I wish to be
But sadly I’m not an allegory
I’m not God
But I want to be

We’ve all done this I’m sure
We’ve gotten a chocolate bunny for easter and we’ve taken away it’s protective layers
Taken it out of the box
We rip off the ears first
We jokingly laugh, oh no my bunny can’t hear anymore
We later move to the eyes and rip off the individual sugar dot
Oh no my bunny is blind he’ll never see again
We take away their sugar carrot
Oh I guess they’ll go hungry
We rip of it’s head
Laughing at our headless bunnies
Then we eat all the rest
And uh oh my bunny’s dead


I wonder if that’s how terrorist think
If they see everyone in the world as chocolate bunnies ready to be ripped into chunks
When in interrogation rooms with
Women, children,
fathers and sons, waiting to be questioned
They just see large chocolate bunnies
a fondue of sweat running down their faces, and
When they feel the need for pleasure they take the bunny’s ears
Uh oh now that man can’t hear
They rip the eyes away
Oh  now that women can’t see
They take away the small carrots
Oh no now that child is hungry
They rip each chunk away until
Uh oh they're dead
I think that’s the only way the terrorist
mad men , immoral human beings
can live with themselves
Is seeing everyone as chocolate bunnies
So much easier to melt down and mold into something of their liking
Or bunnies living with the one purpose of being consumed
And I wonder if that is what sometimes their victims picture themselves as
Because chocolate bunnies don’t have minds or hearts
They can’t feel the pain
They can’t feel the shock of the bodies ;littered on the ground
So they won’t see their own tinted blood flowing out
So they won’t see their homes burned down.
I wonder what would happen if we could stop seeing chocolate bunnies
Would we see human beings
Or would we just see some other sugary thing
Waiting to be consumed
Because sometimes I think I’m gummy bear
Just waiting to no longer have a head

So close but so far
So close but so far
Top to bottom bottom to top
Top to bottom
Bottom to top
We can’t seem to reach the middle
It’s either bottom or top
Precarious pedestals
Or compacting boxes
You either choose where you stand or it’s chosen for you
It’s a wonder why we never truly choose where we end up
When all that's stopping us is ourselves
We think ourselves lacking
So instead of creating ideas we latch onto those already in front of us
thinking that if we don’t grab
quick enough we'll drown in
an ocean of our own making
We grab it and hold fast
dumping the colors of the one singular idea over us hoping it’s permanent
Becoming dissatisfied every time we realize it isn’t
And when we see some other thing we want to be it’s then we think that the paint is too permanent to remove from our skin, too late to change the traits we’ve adapted for ourselves
Using those traits as tickets to our direct flights
To get higher above the trials of life
Spending so much time in the clouds
Blurring our view of reality down below so all we see is the singular creation of the sky
And the moment we find the ground
We don’t feel solid
Don’t know how to root
We stay like cactus not able to reach down far enough
Exposed to everything arounds us
Growing spines and needles
Just so all the people around us won’t weather us away
Sometimes a few make their way through our shells, settle close to our centers
But when they leave we become hollow
No roots to root us to being a part of the earth
Only enough to know we are something to be used
We never realize that our residents never left
That we have been residing too
Cactus inside cactus
All looking through the same eyes
So close yet so far
Everyone’s vision  skewed
Optical lenses all focusing wrong
Those with 20’ 20 vision practically blind
Everyone wearing prescriptions
That only seem to block out everything five feet in front of them
Most see pedestals rising high
Wealth, power, fame, beauty all so close
But what if they are the ones too far
It is all those who seem far that are close
So all the world watches as the earth spins in reverse
And if we went in reverse wouldn’t that make sense
Spread more kindness instead of hate
Peace instead of war
Sit down with a stranger not fearing who or what they may be
Running not afraid that any second we’ll run over the edge
If the world worked in reverse
Would we live instead of deceiving ourselves into living

In the end we are all so far from home
But we are all so close to together

What do you want to do, they ask me?
I want to teach U.S History. I reply
Professor? They ask
No middle school
You know that doesn’t pay well is their last answer to me

Don’t they think I know that
I ask them the same question,
What do you want to do?
They reply: Lawyer, doctor, politician.
They give me answers underlined with dollar signs
They don’t know what their passion is so they
Peruse the merchandise, and look for the one with the biggest price tag,

In my school there are academies
Where you train in your future profession
Is it a wonder that everyone runs to the medical field
Because of the long line of zero’s on it’s room number
While they all sprinted, I casually walked to the one with the big fat zero on it’s doormat.

What do I want to do, what do I want to be?
I want to be a zero dollar teacher.
I want to be a broken gumball machine
With no need for shiny quarters, continually shoving out chewy spheres of knowledge
Spheres of joy, spheres of wisdom, spheres of truth.
I know I don’t make much green
But I’ll make a million smiles
I’ll be payed in laughter and gratitude.Which I’ll earn from the things I have taught, and have been taught to me. While you map out the brain as gray, I’ll be mapping out the U.S.A
And while you stare at frowning faces, I’m gonna look at thirty or so smiling faces
When you go home to your mansion to grumble on your throne of a couch
I’ll be in my cottage thinking of how blessed life can be,
I know I don’t get paid much.
Because I only cost
Zero dollars and zero point zero zero cents.

You’ve read the words a million times
Seen it from novel to novel
You read about the daughters
And those they love
The ones who got sick
They hope
And hope and hope
then things go bad
And the only one who can still hope are the daughters
I’ve read their words from all across the decades
Sympathized with their pain
With their grief
With their internal struggles
But I never empathized with them
And in the past
I had this thought
In my head like a sticky note adhered to the fridge
Stuck there right next to the grocery list and the kindergarten artwork
It read
I would never be a daughter

Then the words leapt off the pages
Of the hundreds of novels
Inserted themselves into my narrative
Gluing themselves to my skin,
I tried to rip them off myself
But they peeled off my skin with their literary fingers
Taking some of my skin with them as they launched and
Ripped the sticky note off my cerebral refrigerator
I became a daughter

Sometimes I still can’t believe that word is a part of my life now
Cancer
And I understand what these daughters have felt
That it feels wrong that I should be the one feeling hurt
It is those I love that are sick and I am healthy with no physical ailment on me
No tumors or scars under my skin
But I feel as if they are in my heart
There is a tumor there and it won’t be removed
Because how could one ever remove a metaphorical tumor
Why does it hurt?
Is it because of the chemo
Cherishing the Hope that Everyone is Mostly Optimistic
Devoting myself to keeping everyone else in balance
Holding the weight of the world even though I could easily just let it go and crush
Every horrible thing in this life
But it became a part of me when that word entered my life
I can’t make it separate, make it leave, can’t stop being who I was born to be
Someone to hold the weight
Except one
One weight that ain’t no metaphorical tumor

The person I love is sick
The novels have inserted their words into my narrative
I just hope I can revise their endings
And move cancer into the index
The credits
anything
instead of having  the last page read
the end

But, then I see the one I love stand strong
As everyone says this is the end
She won’t pretend that this it
Because it isn’t
She takes the pen into her own hand and erased what the world had written
And writes the end of part one
The end to this chapter in a long happy saga called
life
And she writes to the daughter
I'll see again
when you finish part one
In your wonderful fairy tale book

Life is one long escalator ride
We step on at birth and keep riding up to the unforeseeable top
Packed like sardines into one aile
As children we let our hands glide across the moving rails
Until we notice others shunning the handles and we let go
Surrounded by TV screens on both sides
3D glasses letting us see different things
See the events, the moments, the accomplishments
The sorrows, the pains
It sends some into a panic.
You can see their faces go slack
Their legs wobble and shake
They try to run down on stairs moving up
Pushing and shoving  people  just to try to get away from the events witnessed on LED screens
Why don’t they realize?
There's no one waiting at the bottom
But those who wait, who get  through the screens that send chills to new meanings
Those who reach the top of the escalator ride
reach the top floor to eternity

Little smiling boy
I remember when you would smile all the time
Your widespread grin a bowl full of sunshine
Your teeth like colorful lucky charms,the dimples of your cheeks surrounding them with cool white milk
I know there were those times
When you would scream and cry
When the demons locked in your genetic code
Played bumper cars in your brain
Making bruises all over your cerebral cortex
Scratches and scrapes to mark up your amygdala
But when the cars would halt you would smile
Little smiling boy, oh how I remember how you made me smile
The way you would hug me little smiling boy
Paint joy onto my features
Fill your smile with laughter
At whispered inside jokes that only a brother and sister could share

Little smiling boy
You grew up so fast
The demons soon got tired and you shut down their theme park and built one of your own
Little smiling boy made me smile with pride
Pride as only an older sibling can
Smiling watching little smiling boy write his name on the lines
Not one letter skewed, almost as if his hands were a typewriter
As little smiling boy reads, rolls words off his tongue that were held back too long,
Little smiling boy reciting every species on the planet as if nature was his second nature
Little smiling boy joining his classmates
Raising his hands up high in glorious victory
happy

But smiles fade
Little smiling boy you may still smile, but it’s not the same
Why? Why do you frown so much little smiling boy?
Let your smile sag, becoming a mask
black fabric to cover your features so the world can’t find you
And when they want to find the reason  that you hide you reveal the face of a predator
snarling and fangs, leaving at least one scar on their minds
before the mask comes up again
You may still tell me jokes little smiling boy
Ones that you find on your distraction box
But all your jokes do his hit me with darts
Your words hitting closer and closer to the middle of my cork center
I pluck each needle out of my body
Each one stings
Echoing it’s origin

Little smiling boy, you still smile
But your smile scares me
Strikes fear in my heart
You smirk down on those who are hurting
Little smiling boy smiles at those down on their knees
Little smiling boy see’s red and smiles, but not at the luck it holds, but the misfortune
He see’s death and smiles, but not with respect or a solemn gaze
Little smiling boy, do you smile inside?
When you face stares at me blank, your tongue tearing my heart over and over
Do you frown inside, little smiling boy?
When you lie through bared teeth
Saying “ I do love you”, right after you’ve left me to stitch my heart back together again
Pulling out shredded threads from previous mends
Stitching with dental floss, just to see if it will hold out longer
If it may make my heart fresh and new like mint
When I see you little smiling boy, you still smile,
But it scares me
You grin while I grieve
Grieve that I can’t stop loving my abuser
That I can’t run away from your ocean
That all I can do is plunge in and drown a thousand lifetimes over
I see you grin open wide  holding  rows of sharp metal
Ready to gouge everyone near with their prickling words
When did this happen?
When did you stop smiling?
Was it amidst the years of puberty, the extra boosts of testosterone it gave?
From the things you watched in your distraction box, the images I didn’t want you to see?
All I want is you
Little smiling boy
Wrap me in your arms again,
Hug me, hold me, promise you’ll never hurt me, promise you’ll never leave me
Please learn how to smile sunshine again, little smiling boy
Because little smiling girls need their little smiling boys
Or else they can’t smile

Am I feeling this right now?
I write poetry
But am I really writing truth?
Is what I’m writing real
Am I feeling it deep in my soul
Or is it just inspiration
Pulling emotions from some
Stereotypical norm
I’ll sing this love song,
But i’m not in love
My words are only actors playing a part
So don’t call them murderers
When they spell out killer
They aren't people
Their not things
Just a force that I can't control
So let them tell a story, that I can't tell
Let them say something
Just don't ask me to tell you what

The sky is a face full of freckles
My face is the sky
My arms extensions of the universe full of dotted lines
I look up and see myself, see my limbs stretch over the earth
Those freckles tell stories
Some have faded into the past
Others getting brighter before dimming out
As I get older the sky seems bigger
But it also seems more empty
Whole constellations clouded from view
No pictures to see
No movies on screen
My north star facing precession
And zodiacs shifting
The sky is a face
And my face is the sky
The sky is always changing
But still a star am I

Why am I positive
Why do I try filling my soul with sunshine
Feed it droplets day by day
try to make others happy so that I can be too
As if spreading myself might make my love feel larger
Why smile, when life is punching me in the gut?
Bullies beating down upon a pacifist heart
go on living when all my mind wants is to see me dead

Because I promised Him
I promised Him I would be positive

I don’t make it all the time
Sometimes it gets drowned out by the darkness pounding in my head
The messed up roller coaster that I was destined to ride in a constant loop
Going up and down, scraping the surface of light
Screeching metal on the rails
To make it slow down long enough for me to see the sun
Sometimes the joy gets wrapped in doubts, stress, and exhaustion
Lost in the to do lists
The one I make longer as I explore life's opportunities
taking each one upon my shoulders
Like boulders in the shape of smiley face stickers
And then let myself denounce all the happy things and candy coat them in annoyance
Negate every amusement with irritation
Making the air around shrouded in subtle pessimism
But I promised I would try
Try to smile when I felt the need to smile
Not have my mind or others tell me otherwise
Scream with elation at the voices in my head
Take hateful words with love and use them for my strength
To make flaws fade or flourish
I promised I wouldn’t be defeated
I promised Him I wouldn’t lose myself
There have been times where I almost have
walked into a cave of worldliness
Filled with life's common pleasures
The pleasures I’d dreamed of since childhood
But felt were meant for later
I tried to stay in that cave
As I felt happiness that made me feel less human
Let praise rain down that hollowed out identity
I almost didn’t make it
But, I remember the promise
I smeared it on my heart with the tears I had shed during those grim moments
And hold it like a torch to keep the son of the morning at bay
I will never forget as long as I live
The promise I made to You that day.