Broken shards of coffee glass, french vanilla
Chinese food and a long walk home
Wasn't ready to get on the bus
Got a job than lost it
To a roommate who seduced my one true love until he left
Then he showed up-
A face from the past who loved hockey
And he didn't make me sing about my leather-
He just wanted me to laugh and dance
And reminded me of its vitality
Back to vanilla coffee glass and Chinese
Still not ready to get on the bus
(It's gonna be a long walk home)

I'm so drunk
But I don't feel confused.
Love me.
I promise I want you.

Every morning, I check the pages
lonely or in love
I'm lost and only want your hug
I stare, at these empty web pages
You've done it again
You've vanished into thin air
Depressed and delusional
Did you find your way through prayer?
When you return will I still be beautiful
Will you be the way you were
Depressed and delusional
This won't be a blur
While I'm at your funeral
Don't die on me now
I can't stand this anymore
Lets make love not war
These web pages have been torn

“i’m ticklish. but don’t take that to heart.”

“okay.”

“i mean it, don’t remember it.”

“already forgotten.”

“glad we’re on the same page.”

“we’ve been on that page since we first met.”

-

i want to get so drunk that i can’t remember my own first name and my face starts to feel so numb that i forget where i am, what i’m doing, where i’m going, and who you are. but i’m too scared to lose control.

-

my best friend keeps a list of all of my bad decisions. i haven’t made a good one yet. she showed it to me today and i felt an overwhelming sadness for all of my could-have-beens.

-

i hate happy people because i’m so unbearably unhappy that seeing someone else happy makes me feel like there’s a forest fire spreading through my insides.

-

i think i’m lonely because i’m alone most of the time, but even when someone is holding my hand, i can’t seem to hold onto it in return.

-

i spend my days kissing frogs and dreaming of princes but i am a myriad of last first dates.

-

“i’ve been missing you a little lately."

-

you’ve become a void i’m trying to fill.

learn to love her so that when she smiles at you, it feels like your whole world is bursting with freshly bloomed flowers,

learn to love her so that when you hold her, you remember that there are things in this life that should never be broken,

learn to love her so that the sound of her voice is the only background noise you want to fall asleep to,

learn to love her so that she becomes the reason you wake up, the reason you check your phone every thirty seconds, the reason your mom asks you why you're grinning so much,

learn to love her so that those walls you meticulously built up for yourself come crumbling down the minute she bats her eyelashes at you--

learn to love her in all the ways you never loved me.

Tying knots with my tongue in soft seductive prose,
A lying distraction as you tear off my clothes.
Stained body and heart that have long been closed,
Remains all in your hands, naked, exposed.

Trace my scars with your fingertips,
Lace the curves of my spine with your unsullied lips.
Drink from my darkness in slow, soothing sips.
I’ll sink my nails into your skin ‘til your innocence rips.
Hypnotise you with the rhythm in my hips,
Disguise my poison with lust lined trips.

Legs locked around your waist hold like ecstasy,
Shock your mind into a state of dependency.
And undetected I’ll tighten the noose around your neck,
Infected, you’ll idolise this exquisite wreck.
And hold my wretched heart against your beautiful chest,
It’s cold, all emotions have been repossessed.

Confused and feeble you’ll emerge from your stupor,
Bemused as to why my passionate grasp became looser.
You’ll stare down at your feet and watch the blood drip,
Now aware I no longer need this tangible grip,
You see this touch is venom, to penetrate your weak flesh,
Subdue another prisoner into my nefarious mess.

Grave fear; you’ll beg and you’ll beg to be free,
Yet crave incessantly to still taste me.
I’ll behold and admire the damage I've done,
Mould your heart into a trophy that reminds me I've won.

I warned you not to get too close,
I spawn destruction with every lethal dose.

Hey.
I'm glad you came here.
Thank you for remembering this.
Thank you for remembering to look at this.
I know it hurts.
God.
I know.

You're scared out of your mind that this is going to be your entire life.
Full of pain.
Full of fear.
Full of depression and anxiety.
Full of storms and trials that leave you breathless on the ground, shaking from the panic that courses through your blood.
You think that if you just die now, you'll be in heaven.
Where it is so much better.
Where there is no pain.
No depression.
No anxiety.
No fear.


But, you have your life to live right now.
And it won't be an awful life.
How do I know?

Because beauty is in everything and it is just waiting to fully bloom.

You want to know the beauty that was in today?
Today, I had an amazing, life-giving conversation.
My fears and thoughts were validated.
I was told I wasn't alone.
I geeked out with him over film.
And I was given the biggest compliment.
I was told that my mind intrigued him.
We shared about our own experiences with depression.
We talked about God and how sometimes there just aren't answers.
It was amazing and it was just what I needed.
You won't have that if you make your thoughts a reality.

I want you to remember everything and everyone you love.
On earth.
In this life.
I want you to remember why you need to stay alive.

Remember your family.
Remember your dad who is going through so much pain.
Remember your mom who is fighting to stay with you.
Remember your brother who loves you, even though it does not feel like it.
Remember your cousin who will do anything for you.
Remember that they will do everything in their power to help you.

Remember your friends.
Remember your best friend who won't know what to do without you.
Remember your teachers who pray and talk with you.
Remember how they are fighting with you and for you.

Remember your favorite things.
Remember driving in your car at night with your music blasting.
Remember reading a good book with the warmth of the fireplace.
Remember the rush of taking a risk, whether physical or emotional.

Remember tea and peaches and blankets and books.
Remember conversations and movies and passion and love.
Remember oceans and mountains and flowers and stars.

Remember all the little things.
Remember how life can be so surprising.

So get your headphones,
blast your music,
drown out those voices,
and when you're ready,
go to sleep.
I promise that it won't be so bleak in the morning.