I can't tell if you like me
There's a lot put into that
Friendship or love
For me, it's all the same because
Regardless of intentions of affection,
I can't see
I can't tell if you like me
I want to hold your face in my hands
And I want to kiss your soul
But there's a hole in my blueprints
A big hole,
Because honestly
No matter how many dates we've gone on now
No matter how many times you've kissed my forehead
No matter how many texts you've sent or emojis you've emoted
Or how many of my notebooks that you wrote in
I cannot tell
I can't tell if you like me

-E (c) 2017

My friends like to make jokes about how I only date guys that look gay
Don't laugh, because it's partially true
I like long hair,
That's probably problem number one,
But I just want something to run my fingers through, something to braid when I'm bored

It's also probably because I fall in love with musicians
My ideal man is Roger from Rent
A guitar playing, napkin lyric writing heroine addict
Yes, I fell in love with him when I was 12
Sweet addiction,
Cigarettes and leather were always my thing

This is an ode to my own self love
Because tonight I forgot who I ******* was
I was looking at a profile with the guy i was on a date with and he said that the girl in the picture was pretty and I asked what about her is pretty and as we scrolled through the pictures he said I like the ones where she looks normal
And when this ******* meant normal
I knew he meant white
He mean blonde haired, blue eyed, perfect skin and white teeth
And I looked at myself I knew I was none of these things
My skin is not white, neither are my teeth, and they are crooked
Like my skin, which is not flawless, no Beyoncé, I did not wake up flawless
My hair is dark brown, almost black, but that's my natural color
I've been bleaching it blonde since I was twelve
What the **** does that tell you
I got my first two tattoos when I was eighteen
And I saw how the girls face had no piercings
And I looked at my 00 gauges and my septum, cartilage, tragus, and second hole piercings
And I wanted to rip them all off
I wanted to scratch my tattoos off
I wanted to take my hair off
I wanted to rip my skin off
I felt inadequate
I felt like I could never be enough
Well I'm tan and unconventional
So that means I can never be ******* loved
So this is an ode to myself:

Dear Ella,
Look at me,
Thick body, with curves that slay like Beyoncé's
Glasses thick so you can see your own beauty
Lipstick dark like the shade of a ruby
And you don't care
You don't care what anyone thinks because you know you rock it
Your blonde and brown hair is unique, no one else can rock it
Your piercings are a part of you, that's why you ******* chose them
The same thing with the tattoos, girl, that's why you own them
They have meaning to you, they're beautiful to you
So what the **** does what this guy thinks phase you
The way you do your makeup is beautiful,
Your style is beautiful
And every scar on your arm is important to you
So don't pretend that what he thinks is more important than what you do
Love yourself, girl, because without you there would be no you

-E (c) 2017

I spoke with the Lady today. She said you were coming back. I won't work with you. I refuse to spend my time pining over the likes of you. I don't wish to see you everyday. However, I will not be responsible for your lack of employment. The destruction of all you hold dear, yes. But your unemployment, is beneath me.

"You was told wrong. I have a new job. I like it where I'm at."

WERE. You WERE told wrong. Good God man. Learn proper English. You owe me. If money is not in My hand on the 24th, I'll collect your teeth as payment with that pink shiny bat I carry.

"I'll pay you. You're dark and ****** up. So little and pretty. A Manson Barbie. You need medication you know."

*******. I want what's mine. It's unadvisable to be late. I'll send her every picture, every text. I'll knock on your door during family ******* dinner. No one wants that ****.

"I said I'd pay you back. And blackmail doesn't look good on you. You're insane. Seek help."

I told you I was insane from jump.

"I didn't think you was serious. Have you tried ******?"

WERE!! I didnt think you WERE serious! Look, as much as I enjoy this ***** fit argument, I have important business to tend to. Your gold tooth will look good as a charm on my bracelet, though I prefer silver. Don't be late.

"You're one f-ed up lady. I love you, you know."

Apparently not enough. I can't love. Not you. Not anyone. I gotta go. Until the next explosive ******* bomb, I bid thee adue.....

"