Buddha's hand has five fingers,
And Jesus had five too.

We walk where dead men walk,
And we think with minds of ash.

Pyramids are built for gods,
But lord knows these gods had red blood.

We pray and pray and pray,
The world turns it's head.
The bullets fly,
And words too.
We pray and pray and pray,
The world turns it's head.

I guess I missed the emptiness you left behind,
how it felt like it was everything that mattered;
that soul-crushing, heart-wrenching weight.

I was terrified of letting go of what remained—
the sadness that slowly cracked me open;
because I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of not feeling.
I’m afraid of being happy again.
I’m afraid to forget.

I was desperate to hold onto a piece of you,
so I clung to these memories instead,
because we all know the painful ones
are so much easier to keep.

I hate to see you go,
so far away.

tonight's our last night
for a month
and my heart has been dreading
the fact that I know
I won't sleep.

wait,
please,
in this
moment
please.

just wait,
let me breathe you in
let me hold you
let me bask in the light
of your smile
your laugh.

the closer I get
to your heart
the more it hurts
the farther you are.

but no distance
can successfully demolish
what I hold in my heart for you
and no distance
can touch how much
I care for you.

I will yearn for you
until we meet again
but you must vow
to be safe
and come home.

please come home to me.

If i could change
things
I would.

if I could
fix
the past
I would.

maybe I would be more whole.
maybe I would be more me.
but instead i cannot.
instead i am here.

i want to be more
i want to be better.
i want to be
worth all the effort
you put into us.

and there will be fleeting
moments of our meetings
where I'll believe
i am.

if only you knew
the hell I've seen
the monster I've been.

if i could show
you every part of me
all the guilt and all the shame
and the insane parts
i try so hard to mask
i would.

but i am afraid
you will not love
the being beneath the shell
I've constructed.

you'll be gone soon
and there will be a hole in my heart
until you return.

i am sorry for my paranoia
and i am sorry for being so scared.

i remember
when i first told my mom that i love you
i cried out of fear.

but none of that matters.
for you, i will be brave.
and for you,
i will be patient.

I can't
Breathe
I can't
Feel
The pain in my wrists
Makes my guts twist
And I cannot breathe
I cannot feel
Anything but
This anxiety
That eats me up.

Because I can't help it,
I feel sick,
I can barely lift my fingers to type,
I'm drenched in fever sweat
And cold chills
But I feel so guilty
I feel so bad

What can I say
What can I do?

I can't calm down.
I need to breathe,
But I cannot.

Why breathe
Why need
There's no purpose
No reason
I can't change
it
I can't fix
It
And I was wrong
And I am right
But what do I do
Nothing makes sense

Help.

I've caught myself low again
In a pretty place
Where my troubles can't find me
I guess it goes to show
Distance can't fight sadness
When it sits in your soul

*Maybe tomorrow it'll be better