I see your name on the side
Of my Facebook newsfeed,
Telling me that you’re online
For the fourth time in half an hour.
I won’t lie.
I click that bookmarked tab
As often as you do,
Just so I can see your name.
I miss the days when
There would always be a notification
Telling me that you were thinking
Of me at that moment.
It’s been more than a month
Since your little chat box
Popped up to say hi.

I deleted your number last Friday
Because I couldn’t bear
To see you in my phone
Under the nickname “Ex.”
But I would recognize it
If I saw it on the screen again.
I want to talk to you
But I won’t make the first move.
You ended us,
So I’m waiting for you
To contact me.
I think you might be
Waiting for me to text first.
You’ve tried to talk to me,
But you did it all wrong.
You always do that.

I was told that you let some emotion out
That first weekend alone.
It made me sad
To think of you with tears in your eyes,
But also relieved,
Because it meant that you did care
About me, after all.
Even just a little bit.
It doesn’t have to be like this.
You didn’t have to let go.
I was there for you,
Holding out my hand
When no one else would.
I’ll still be here,
If you want to come back.
But you won’t even text me first now.
So I will wait until I cannot wait anymore,
Until the urge to talk to you
Becomes so overwhelming
That I contact you first.
Because I always do.

I did it.
After a month
I did it.
I hit send.

I have a distinctive face that I make
When I talk about you or to you.
It came out the second I saw your name.
I can’t believe I did it.

Now we’re on our way to being friends again.
It’s not what I want, but it’s a start.

They were right when they said that nothing lasts forever.
But I thought forever would last longer than it did.

My heart feels heavy.
Literally heavy.
The way it did when I had so much love to give away.
It ached for you to take it out of my chest,
For you to rip open my breast,
Grab it, and place it next to your own,
Still beating within your chest,
Whose muscles created waves I wanted to surf.
You took my heart and gave it back quick,
Split in two.
I stitched it back together,
But there will always be a scar.
All that love was forced back into my heart,
But I have no one to whom I can give it.
My heart is sinking and gets heavier with each passing moment.
Every time I see you, I feel it trying to escape,
Pounding against my ribcage like prison bars.
My brain says Relax. He doesn’t want us anymore.
But my heart won’t listen.
It has a mind of its own.
It reminds my brain of all the memories we shared,
And as my heart hurts and tears fall
From my eyes like salty raindrops,
I get further away from moving on.
They say time heals all wounds,
But is time enough to save the Titanic from sinking?

I’m so over you.*
These words woke me up
The first night I dreamed of you after you left.
I want it to be true, but I know it’ll never happen.
Some days I get by because I am not forced to see
The beautiful face I once fell in love with.
But when I do see you, even for a split second,
All the feelings come flooding back and drown me.
I swim to the surface but am dragged back down
By the memory of your skin on mine.
Your touch made me feel like a woman for the first time.
You were my first date, my first kiss, my first love.
And I’ll never truly be over you.

For making me feel safe, if only for a while.
For holding me tight and making me smile.
For letting me cry in your arms that one morn.
For making me happy though my heart had been torn.
For running your fingers through my hair.
For not coming when I needed you there.
For making me fall.
For believing we couldn’t have it all.
For the insecurities that by now should have passed.
For not hoping we would last.

You took my fears and made them true.
I wanted no one but you.
You broke my heart, but I won’t make you pay,
Though depression’s back and won’t go away.

I thought you were different, that you were the one,
But now it’s time for me to move on.
We’ll still be friends, you said, but can’t you see?
We were never just friends, you and me.

Once upon a time,
You were mine.
I’d hold your hand
When you were near.
I’d kiss your lips
To tell you I loved you,
Even though you didn’t love me.
I’d lean my head against your chest
So I could hear your heartbeat.
It comforted me to know you were real.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
It whispered in my ear.
“I’m here, and I’m yours.”

When you slept next to me,
Your arm was my pillow.
When I moved to your chest,
I held my head up
For fear of crushing it.
You laughed and said,
“You couldn’t, even if you tried.”
You’re so pompous. And I’m so weak.
But you smelled so good.
Your scent stayed on my sheets
For days after you left.

I never told you I loved you with words,
But as each day passes
I realize more that I did.
You were mine, until that one day
When you changed your mind.
That one day,
When all my fears came to life,
When I was alone again.

You told me I was safe with you.
I guess that’s not true anymore.
I don’t feel safe at all.