I learned a couples things
that took entirely way too long.
Some people enter your life for a reason,
whether they’re here to stay or go.
They all teach a lesson to help you grow.
Some change with the seasons,
blow away with the wind.
You never know a person
as well as you think you do.
I look around when the leaves turn,
a variety of colors
of people you will meet.
When I thought every bridge burned,
nothing but ash and forgotten pasts,
from friendships and relationships
that never last.
She pulls me out the rubble again,
time after time with no hesitation.
She holds on to me while everyone
disappears as quickly as they come.
My best friend.
Some people enter your life for a reason,
a lesson if you will.
But not her.
By her side, I fear not for those
who leave and chose to become
a lesson to learn.
She holds my hand and reminds
me I am enough, we are enough.
She’s my comfort when things
get rough, when my life is in rubble.
Together, we shield each other
from the chaos of life.
Some people blow away
like the wind but she stays,
my firm foundation in the storm
when every leaf flutters away.
She plants a seed of happiness
in me that we nurture every day.
My best friend. The one that stays.
The one I cannot live this life without.

There will never be enough words for you.
Probably that’s why I keep trying.
But what you mean to me is a swell of feeling, something I don’t know how to find voice for.
Not all the way.
You ask me for an explanation, for reason, for words when they don’t exist.
I am pleonastic, skin covered in scrawled ink,
But I can’t give you what you want,
Can’t give you something that is swimming so large inside me.
Because what I feel for you is more than me, more than I have ever had contained within me before.
I love you like you’re mine.

I listened to my inner voice....
When I was filled with fear, when I learned at a young age that real monsters do exist and they are not like the ones in any story book I ever read. The monsters stole away any normal childhood that I could of or should of had.  Pain muted my words from flowing and poisoned my thoughts into growing... this is why I trusted no one.  
At the time I had no other choice... when I was
really the only friend I could totally depend on and count on
I listened to my inner voice...


I listened to my heart...
When all I could hear was a pounding in my ears, when all around me was like a crazy chaotic whirlwind screeching like a barred owl that would then break apart into tiny pieces and sink into a cold abyss forgotten by the sea.  I couldn’t forget the grief as it was real and still inside me. There was a brokenness about me my
heart was fragile and it balanced on the tip of my own desperation
but still I listened to my heart...
          
I listened to the words...
Slowly but surely I was able to come out from that darkened sea and was finally able to try and heal me. Words became my saving grace. I learned to not have muted lips and could give myself a fighting chance. I was able to tear down some of those protective walls to try again to live only in this moment without the armor and the hesitation. Writing became my new love... together we became an inseparable piece of one existence...
I felt so much better after I listened to the words ....

I don’t want your fingers to bleed
while holding the pieces of my broken heart

I don’t want your eyes to cry
for the pain that lives inside me

I don't want your tounge to taste blood
each time it whispers my name

I don’t your hands to shiver
while reaching for my cold soul

I don’t want you to suffocate
while drawing air to my lungs

I don’t want you to consume
the venom that flows inside my veins

I don’t want you to break down
in the process of healing me

So I’ll love you but only from a safe distance
Knowing that we don’t belong to each other
I’ll always love you
But will never show it

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

You say you trust me but constantly spy on me
checking my location dozens of times a day
confronting me when every little movement doesn't add up
when I don't tell you exactly where I am
when I don't tell you my every single move
I can't breathe, I can't move
it feels like you're holding a pillow to my face
as I claw and kick at any limb I can catch
it's a battle between the two of us
seeing who will pass out first
who will give in and give up
You treat me as a child
even as we're both in our twenties
I don't need another deadbeat dad
telling me everything I'm doing wrong
nagging me for every decision I make
never believing in me,
criticizing every move I make
I don't need someone else
who is only proud to be seen with me
when it works best for them
acting like an overbearing mother
with a delinquent of a child
keeping me on a leash shorter than your temper
I am scared to make one wrong move
to finally rid myself
of this disease you call love