a constant struggle
between being alive
and wanting to die

He clenched it tightly
He'd only used it once
"You have to pull the trigger first son, and BANG BANG BANG!
You can **** anything!"
With intense intent on his mind
His verge for vengeance grew within, now it's time
To show the bullies how he feels

He glared at them with and intensity
of a malicious lion gazing at prey.
They stared at him back,
paralyzed and gaping,
surprised, scared, shivering at the sudden ominous
cloud around this figure that once shook with
the demons that clawed at his being every minute of the day.

Teachers deigned to his prowess
Consoling him not to shoot
He glanced at that kid who kicked him, sneered at how stupid he is.
He screamed with angst, blood streaming though his fingers.
Trickled to pull the trigger, this is now or never.

Suddenly,
a whimper. He glances away quickly to see
his little sister's eyes swim with murky waters.
"danny..."
He looks away.
Then, shoots.
one,
two,
three,
four,
five.
He smiles,
watches the chaos erupt the way his mind does every night,
stares at the crimson velvet beginning to crawl out of the bodies as the ragdolls crowed with terror of the dead,
ghastly large eyes , desperately hollow,
wanting only the warmth escaping.

He feels alive, for the first time he's the fire to ignite the dark
Burning everything within his grasp,
Dictating any norm in his way.
The silence preaching him, Feeling remorse of that obscure stance.
He ruptured every enmity that denotes innocence. Screaming, "WHY DO I STILL FEEL SO ******* EMPTY!!??"

Look at me
Like it means
Something,
Would you?

This is not a poem
And this isn’t poetry.
This is my shaking heads
And blubbering thoughts as the tears stream down my cheeks

Because sadness is more relatable
Than my happiest days

This feeling I have,
I don't know,
What's worst,
Drowning in the ocean deep,
Or dying of thirst,
In the desert.

This feeling I have,
No phrasal combination,
No words could ever express,
For it beats the words,
It beats the world.

This ache of uncertainty.

His guitar glows,
Like endless flow,
Of glittering stars,
Late at night.

Dance my heart,
In ecstasy,
Caress me,
With his melody divine,
My heart beats in tempo.

A rapture love,
Of eternal bliss,
****** me,
For the night,
And take me deeper,
To the endless flow,
Of glittering stars.