Why? Why on earth am I the way I am?

She's so down
She can't dig back up
No matter how hard she pushed
No matter how hard she struck the boulder
She can't even make a single dent

She's so drowned
She can't even swim back up to breathe

No matter how hard she struggled
No matter how fast she flailed her arms
She can't even move herself a bit back up

She's so broken
She can't even count her pieces
No matter how hard she picked
No matter how strong she held on
She would always break down like a paper castle every single time

She's so lost
She really can't find herself
No matter how hard she looked
No matter how fast she ran
She's still that lost, broken and drowned girl stucked in the swallowing darkness

"There will always be a next time."

But what if this is the last time?
What if there will never be a next one?
What will happen to the ones hoping and expecting?
What will happen to her?

She would always wait for the forgotten next  time even if she know it will never come.

I was not enough
Still not enough
And will never be enough.

I was not good enough
Still not good enough
And will never be good enough

But I am useless enough
Careless enough
Frustrated enough
Clueless enough
Lonely enough
Mad enough
Ugly enough
Stupid enough
Lacking enough
Furious enough
Scared enough
Insecure enough
Dumb enough
Afraid enough
Monster enough
Sad enough

Does that count?
Am I already enough?

P.S. This list is not even half of my original list.