Maybe I am destined to live a life I don't want
Maybe I was created to end it all for myself.
These suicidal thoughts can't be for nothing
I'm beginning to think maybe I deserve the demons in my head
And just maybe I was destined to let them win

I'm both scared and relieved to know when I visit your grave your soul is no longer there
It has gone away and you left us here alone

You are a river in a hopeless isolated desert,
You are the light rising and filling the dark corners of my locked room,
To be with you is to feel, to be bright and happy
To be with you is to connect and grow.
But like a rubber band I am only able to stretch so far before I break and snap against your fragile skin and cause you pain that was not intended.
I do not want to hurt you so I ask you to step away,
I avoid telling you the painful truths that open my locked room because to let the light in is hard when you've lived in the dark for so long.
To let a river flow through this desert would be to taint it with an inescapable darkness that drags down all those in sight,
And yet I want to scuba dive and explore the deepest caves within your mind,
and understand the rare fish that swim in the reef of your personality,
You ask me to speak,
You tell me you're here,
And it is this I know,
but it is this I fear

Icy cold water runs over my hands and I do not move the handle,
I let it wash away the soap without concern for the temperature.
They say that drowning is painful, you feel the burning in your lungs,
You kick and struggle as you fight to get rid of the water and carbon dioxide in your body,
Or you can let it in, your head will feel like it’s exploding.
Your body will feel heavy like several pounds of rocks weighing you down,
But you won’t struggle, you feel a lot of pain at first,
Then it starts to pass and you’ll feel relaxed.
I think about that as I turn the water off,
I go back to my room to watch another episode of some show I'm not paying attention to
I focus on the screen physically but my brain is swimming.
My thoughts are ripples, and then waves, then they are 100 feet high,
A tsunami of pain tugs me into the deep blue purgatory.
I wonder how many water molecules are in this storm,
How many tiny things made this enormous tidal mass.
I breathe in the salt and the sea,
I breathe in the clouds and the sky,
My feet graze the sand as I sink deeper.
I can imagine the coral cutting my insides as my lungs begin to burn,
I feel the fish swimming into my head as it grows like a balloon.
I open my eyes and it’s beautiful,
Miles of empty nothingness surrounds me,
The sun is hitting the water just enough that I can see all the shades of blue,
All the colors that make it so vast and endless.
Icy cold water surrounds me and I do not move,
I let it fill me up and wash away my pain without concern for anything.
They say that drowning is painful and you can feel everything,
I guess I had been doing it for so long that I forgot how to breathe
But now I do not struggle and I let myself sink, and I cannot feel a thing.