Please tell me that my beauty sends you into a high you've never felt before.
Tell me that my touch leaves you buzzed and wanting more.
Show me I'm intoxicating and glamorous like a Hollywood star.
I want you to be speechless.
Tell me I'm pretty.
I want you to act, speaking does nothing.
I want to see how weak your knees are around me,
I want to hear you stumble on your words,
I want you to say you believe in God. In angels. In love.
I need this validation.
I need to see it. Hear it. Show it.
There s no other way to make me feel beautiful.
I've tried.

I feel my knees buckle sometimes.
And my arms go limp.
It's an earth-shattering sadness.
I feel it in my bones,
In my blood,
Like it's part of me.
The kind of sad that makes my body fumble from the weight

Everytime I think about starving myself to look like her,
I take another giant bite of cake

I wonder if this is what it feels like
If my heart is supposed to feel like hot ash,
blowing,
blowing in the wind and landing in my hair?
If my words are meant to be like alphabet soup,
spinning,
equating to be nothing?
Am I meant to feel like an empty shell,
swimming,
sinking to the bottom?

Sometimes,
When I look at him,
I remember that grin.
The one from all my nightmares.
Some days,
When I feel any touch,
I remember your entitled hands,
Reaching for what isn't yours.
Some nights,
My breath gets quiet,
It reminds me of you,
Too close I could hear your breathing,
Too calm to care if I struggled.
Some days,
The birds are chirping loud,
I remember the woods behind your house
I remember the walks,
I remember the hands on my tiny waist
The whistling of the wind as I pulled away,
And your insistent tongue telling me I had no choice.

Some days my eyes are glazed over like those of a porcelain doll
Other days they're wider than all the oceans combined