The mere thought of you kissing or holding hands with someone else used to send shivers down my spine. If anything was able to make me furiously throw up, it was the thought of just that. However, only one week later, here we are, and this thought seems to soon be reality. How does this make me feel? Honestly, I cannot put it into words. Sad, hopeless, angry even. Things started out so ‘perfect’. How could everything fall down on me in pieces in the matter of a few days. I feel cursed. Like a spell has been put on me. Why does this world hate me so much? I really thought it was my time to finally be happy...

Dear world,
The way you look at me,
as if I was worthless.
You call me a mess.
You didn't even give my a chance,
to express,
myself.

But it's not over yet,
I will fight, I will try to impress,
you ...
... and myself, but I have to confess,
I think it's too late,
I killed myself.

Not knowing if we would have worked out had I stayed in London.
Not knowing if you think about me as much as I think about you.
Not knowing if you ever thought about me all those days apart.
Not knowing if you had also wanted to kiss me that afternoon.
Not knowing if we would be together had I been born a boy.
Not knowing if it is me or my gender that is putting you off.
Not knowing if I will ever get to hold your hand.
Not knowing if I will ever get to kiss you.
Not knowing if I will ever see you again.
Not knowing if I will ever be with you.
Not knowing if I will ever be myself.
Not knowing if I will ever be you.

Midnight.
I am lying in my bed, unable to sleep. My head is spinning, like every night. Why should I continue living?
I finally fall asleep, dreaming of the sweet, red blood running down my veins, dripping on my bathroom floor ... drip, drip, drip. Soon, there is a dark, red lake which drowns me ...
I travel far away, to an unknown land. Different from everything I had known before. Slowly, everything around me gets silent and dark.
My mind is finally able to rest. I have waited so long for this moment.
Sweet dreams.

You killed me.
You killed me, the night I went off to your house, not knowing what was awaiting me.
You killed me, the moment you asked how my day was and told me that you missed me.
You killed me, the moment we started smoking on your roof and you leaned towards me.
You killed, me the moment you started kissing me, even though I told you not to.
You killed me, the moment your ***** hands started grabbing my body and you tried to take my clothes off.
I was begging you to stop ...
The only thing I can remember is your heavy breathing and your weight burying me into the ground.
The rest of me is dead.
You killed me.