I wish I could be as vibrant and bold as a sunflower
Wish my petals could stretch towards the sun
in hopes of growing. I wish these pale painted
faces would stare in awh instead of disgust.
I wish I was as yellow as a sunflower
or maybe an oddly pink tone fleshed with red
I want my color to be praised not discussed
like dirt being picked out of fingers

I have come to the realization that I am a sunflower
Beautiful, bold, and magical
My brown petals stretch out from limb to limb
meeting at my bud with a smile so dazzling
and eyes small but fill with love and hope.

I am a sunflower in the boldest of ways possible
like coffee with no sugar no cream. I am loved like Jupiter
loves Juno, My brightness is appreciated like a full moon
at 12 midnight. I could fill a whole field with my petals
just for your grazing but you don't deserve it.

I am a sunflower. What are you?

I am a woman, a black woman
Never black and then woman or
woman and then black
but somehow when judgement is being passed on my race
they seem to forget I am a woman

A woman with emotions and feelings
I am a black woman with a mindset
to be greater then I am perceived to be
Because this black woman has goals

Is your ego abused? Should I apologize for not wanting to live as a trophy on your wall of women hung out to dry? Is your ***** hurting because I dare say NO? As if my ****** is the only cure for your savage behavior. Should I apologize for being female? A black female with curves so dangerous if I got wet you might slip and fall, breaking apart your massive ego?

Is your need for dominance anything out of the ordinary? Because men will be men and they don't deserve to be punished for being men. Right? Because I asked for it, Right? Because my shorts in this heated summer day is a plea to be ****** right? Because my ******* do not belong to me and if I dare go without a bra, it is seen as a neon flashing light signaling my readiness for your **** right?

Young boys sit back and watch in awh as Fred establishes his dominance over Wilma. They watch learning the ways of cavemen. this, these cartoons are teaching these young boys to treat women as inferior and teaching our young girls to know their place as a housewife with no say.

From the beginning we are taught that our consent does not matter. We are supposed to behave like a woman or get ****** and left out to die like trash lift for the raccoons to rampage through. From the beginning we are taught that our voices do not matter and men will be men. So therefore we must bend over backwards to accommodate them or be bend over backwards by them.

No wonder women are scared to speak out. I was afraid to speak for fear that my voice would be washed away with the tide never to return to it's bold state. Besides my friend, that one professor whom I sometimes think is too good for this world and the counselor she talked me into seeing. No one else knows.

No one else knows how my knees rubbed against the dirt laced with tiny rocks and sticks. Or how I cringed when his ***** exploded in my mouth leaving behind a taste so bitter, black licorice could not compare. Or how I could not get on my knees in the first place because the only time I got on my knees was to pray to a God I only hoped was listening. But where was that God when this boy put me down on my knees and told me I had to. Told me this was the only way of redemption.

That naive young girl was on her knees in the dirt because she did not know she could say NO. I felt as if saying no could get me hurt or worst ruin what fragile reputation I held onto and 14 year old me could not withstand the blow.

Within those 10 minutes it took for him to be pleasured, I silently prayed and prayed that God would let this boy know how wrong it was or will him to stop. I prayed to a God I was taught watches over all his children. To a God whom didn't care of your sins as long as you repent. But that God was nowhere to be found.

I held back my tears as my neck when back and forth like a chicken pecking at it's only source of survival. I didn't cry when I choked on it and gagged for air because within that moment he made himself my savior. He feed me my daily bread with a smile upon his face.

No one knew about this moment, how I held back tears when he told me it was good for my fist time. How I held a brave face when I climbed the bus that morning with a white stain on my purple dress. I told no one because I believed i liked it because my constant was not needed so I must have approved. Right?

So I ask you. Does me saying no to you damage your ego? Does my no mean nothing to you as if no means yes in the fantasy world you live in. My silence is does not enable you to go forth and conquer my wondrous lands. it is not permission for you cross my flooded seas and take refuge within me. I will not apologize for being a woman in charge of her body.

They say your past makes you wiser
My past just haunts me
It makes me see what a fool I’ve been all these years
To think that I could actually love you
Or the fact that you loved me, as you said

With age comes wisdom, they say
Laughing and tossing around sayings of the past, age and wisdom
I’m sitting thinking what my age brought along with it

The nights filled with empty liquor bottles as I try to drown my sorrows
The long evenings spent watching the stars come up and thinking of your eyes
The way we used to be
Or maybe it’s the mornings
The ones where I wake up and you’re not there next to me
And then I get that feeling of regret and I start to beat myself up

You know I think it’s the afternoons that take the gold
‘Cause by this time my boss is calling me asking me to explain what the hell is wrong with me
And honestly if I told him what was truly wrong, he’d call me crazy
So I just sit there in silence until he tells me not to bother coming in
Cause by now this is my third and final strike
He’s gone and I’m left with just the dial tone, or maybe it was my heart beating

I throw the phone down, but it rings again
This time it’s the landlord asking for all the rent I haven’t paid yet
This time he doesn’t say cover it in next month’s rent, he tells me to either pay or get out
I wait and wait and wait for another word, but all I hear is the dial tone

I push the phone off the bed and try to focus my eyes, but all I can make out in the distance is your smile – the white gloss that shined whenever you opened your mouth
I try to push myself off the bed and I landed face first on broken glass
I couldn’t remember anything about glass, but I seemed to picture the fact that I was so mad at myself I smashed the bottles still filled with liquor to the floor
Letting it sink in the rugged carpet
I laid there for a few minutes, or maybe it was a few hours, I couldn't remember

Finally it was evening again, but I wouldn't be watching the stars
The phone rang and rang and rang
I pulled up the strength to get off the phone and answer
But at ease it was my co-worker, you know the ones that never seem to mind their own business

The questions that never stopped, why am I not there yet
Do I know I’ve been fired, blah blah blah and so on
Finally, I’m tired of it and just hang up

I drag myself to the bathroom
Watch myself up and get ready for the night round
I try to clean up the broken glass, but all I see is your face rather than my reflection
I leave the glass where it is, in one big pile on the floor next to my bed

I moved to the screen door and opened it up and began my way down the long stride
I walk down the street, cigarette in left, liquor bottle in right
I look up to the stars and there is a big dark, glowing…

SNAP BACK TO REALITY

I’m still walking that small, narrow street; the only difference is it’s the night
I always run out of liquor way before I finish driving my sorrows away
So this time I packed extra, and I mean lots of extras

I’m basically wasted by now and I keep walking trying to make out where I was at the moment
Somewhere between Crazy street and Mental Lane
I took out another liquor bottle smashing the last one to the ground
I waited for the sound from the crash, but nothing
Heard nothing in return, not even a thank you
You ungrateful ******* ground
I continued my unthinkable walk not yet sure where I was going
Somehow my heart understood and gave me what I needed
Not what I wanted
I ended up, blacked out wasted on your doorsteps

Somehow, my heart understood what my pain couldn’t make out for me
And you took me into arms just before I fell

Woke up the next morning with a massive hangover
I was in a bed, but this time I got out and onto the floor
But this floor was different; there wasn’t any broken glass on the floor
There weren’t any phone calls from the job or nosey co-workers
There was just peace

I found my way into the kitchen and there the memories struck me
I thought of all the times we spent together, but now I was a drunken mess

Somehow my heart understood and there I was
All this just to end up in this room with all these memories
My heart explained what the pain couldn't
And it felt what the tears couldn't

The clock struck 12 and the magic was gone
She rushed out the hands of the prince and ran
She ran and ran leaving a glass slipper behind
Slippers made of the clearest, most gentle piece of glass
The magic had disappeared and all that was left were the rags she belonged in
But you all know how the story ends, HAPPY, as always

But where's my happy ending?
Where's my fairytale?
Where's my moment?

Is that why I'm clenching so hard
so hard to this fantasy
this dream of ours
When will I get to dance with all eyes on me
When will my moment arrive
Is that the reason why I'm holding onto this
this untold fairytale love story of ours

I want so hard to believe that one day
Just one day, I'll have my Cinderella moment
When will we dance...hand in hand til the clock strikes 12
I wonder if that's why I'm hanging onto this endless love story of ours

Sometimes I feel like I only keep you around just to not be alone
I want this fairytale love to be true
I want my Cinderella moment

desperate  
hungry
she walks the earth
fear followed by sadness
anger takes the place of everything
she walk away not sure what to feel
what to think
what to do
tears down her face
who to comfort her
who to hold her
let her know that the world isn't all evil
with no one
she walks that lonely mile
alone in her arms
she walks along with the tears down her face
fear and sadness takes over everything
down that lonely mile
she walks within her arms
casting her past away as she goes
but little does she know
danger awaits her
if only the fear and sadness
if only she wasn't so filled with grief
wasted time on love
wasted love on someone who could be careless
someone who could be so wicked as to let her go
drive her essence and grace away
torn out the pages of their love
and for what
just another chapter
a chapter whom he'll soon send walking in their own arms
but she couldn't blame him, only herself
to get so close and now here she is
all alone waling that lonely mile
in your own arms
you'll never know men
oh how wicked they can be  
i like to think of them as the devil's third eye
wicked men roam this Earth
roam your mind
you soul
and take everything you've got

Outside
It mocks me
Stings me with its freedom
Gently breezes blowing behind the window
She knows I crave warmth
The way she smooth’s me
All I really need is her smile down upon me
Instead she taunts me with her beauty
I listen as tears fall from her eyes
If only I could comfort those lonely nights
Maybe than she wouldn’t forget my touch
She’s angry now
Storming down upon us
Her godforsaken children
I want to go out there
Tell her I still love her
But I’m afraid I might not withstand her wrath
Her anger is growing and the night sky is glowing
Her beauty is astonishing
But her emotions are disturbing
I just want to comfort her
Outside
She screams at me
Cursing my name

its storming outside
without a soul to trace
i wonder back to the only room which brings me comfort
slowly dragging my feet wanting nothing more but to fall
startled at how fast the water came out
creeping into the tub wanting
just wanting that tender touch
wanting the love i never could have
so i wonder of to the one place
drown myself in sorrow and loneliness
the love i once longed for is slowly killing me
slipping away into my secret place
a place of desire and longing that can never be reached
forgotten and replaced nevermore
dotted by the fearing of a voice
jumping awake balancing out my walk and talk
seeing was nothing racing back
without a soul to trace i ponder back

back to my peaceful secret place where i can dream and wish but never have
startled again stopping dead in my tracks
almost falling not knowing
has someone come to rescue me
has someone found my lonely peaceful place
have they finally found the girl who hides from the world
drowning herself in sorrow and loneliness
no i was just a desperate maiden
driven insane with your own madness
holding on to that last thread of hope
the hope she once shed blood for
wanting someone to find her but not wanting to use up her last hope
she ran back to where she could wish and dream but never could have
this was just a love she longed for
one she disparately craved
a love that will never be hers

There was a time when I was afraid
A time when each word made me want to cry
A time when I would run and hide
I'd run in my room and cover myself
Now it's just me standing - nothing else to be afraid off
I though I was done but then he showed up
Wrapped in a black cape - he was my nightmare
He had come to destroy me, me and everything I had and I had let him

There was a time when I was alone
A time when all I had was me and the voices in my head and those so called friends
But then he showed up - he somehow became my everything
and all of a sudden I wasn't alone anymore
All of a sudden I had someone to cling onto
Someone to call mine
And with every minutes we spend together
The voices disappeared and the fear went away
And I could love again

But now here is this nightmare covered with his black cape
What a mistake I made bringing you into my world

He stood there in the doorway waiting for me to say something
But I just sat there and stared
I knew that he was waiting for me to sent him away - but I didn't
I just let him into my world and he brought it crumbling down
I didn't even put up a fight - I just let him
I let his black cape cover me and I faded into the dark side again

I remember a time when I was afraid
A time when I was alone
When I couldn't love
His black cape brought all those feelings black

How do you reconcile with your past and even attempt to move on when every though haunts your very existent. When the only thing you can think about is your past.....How do you move on?

Funny how something beautiful can also be something hideous
For example, blue can be the color of the sky, or the color you turn when you can't breathe. Red can be the color of a beautiful, rosy, red rose. or the blood drenching from you as you die.
Now, we look at death, when it's not happening to you, you hate it. But what about the ones dying, how do they feel.
Are they waiting to leave, leave this earth? Are they awaiting their return to the almighty father? I mean I would want to leave too.
The Earth, which used to be so gracious and lively, now look at it, a viscous wasteland. And those who inhabit the Earth are even worst, disgusting, *****, and the stupidity that engulfs them.
Death isn't always a bad thing.
So death can be beautiful or hideous, it's not up to us to decide, but the person dying.
See I'm dying. I've been dying for some time now.
Every night I dream the same dream. I've died and I've reach the Golden Gates of Heaven but as I enter I'm denied and pushed off the edge of the clouds and my soul falls and falls til hell appears. And next thing I know, I'm in the devil's playground.
I've been dying for some time now. Everyday, my soul escapes little by little and soon all that will be left is a hollowed out shell.
This is the ugly side of death, when you know, it kills you slowly.
Death is a beautifully ugly truth that we all must face...sooner or later.
Funny how something beautiful can also be something hideous, and that's the beautifully ugly truth of life.

Here we stand in this back room
wishing for love wishing for happiness
But here in this blackened empty room
known as my heart - we stand side by side
Wishing that we could go - part from each other
to nevermore be as one
Cause here in this blackened room
there are no ears that can hear
No ears to listen and bring forth happiness
No eyes to see the black shadow cast upon us
No arms or hands to pull us apart
But this ever longing love that we so desire
pulled us closer and closer as we part
further and further but yet here we are
In this empty hole known as my heart
Where the end point is just as same as the start point
Zero, Zero
Destination not found

She was calling
I could hear it
She was so close
I could taste her breathe
Visualize her smell
My senses were tangling
Her form was breath taking
Her grasp on me was
Of another nature
I was of her making
Her lips were pale
The feel of them left me
Mesmerize
In another dimension
A slave
Working the manors  
Of her body
No
It wasn’t rational
It was somewhat
Inefficient
She required more
Desired more  
Treasured
Cherished
She couldn’t get enough of me
I was her craving
To her
Oxygen was irrelevant
I
Me
I was her
Everything
But yet
She was always livid
Moving with relentless emotion
Every time she danced
I felt a swipe of wind
Tear my face
Length to length
A smile made a path
But
I wasn’t happy with this
This
What I’d become
I was furious
I wish I could have said no
But she
Her presence removed all illness
Unwillingly she was the puppeteer master
I was made of wood and had to be held
Up
By her hands
She held the strings to my existence
I had let her cress me
Make me into the one she wanted
I let her do as she so pleased
But even that
That
Was no good
I had given up just
When she
She had given all
I was thru
She had just began  
I guess two opposites really do attract
I couldn’t get enough
Enough of her touch
Her smell
I tried telling myself I was done
With her
With these lies
These games we play
But I just couldn’t get enough
As much as I hate to admit it
I loved her
With everything in me
I loved her
You see that “loved”
Past tense
Cause at some point I
I worked up the courage to say no
Ended those unpleasing nights
I grew tired of it all and finally said no
I wasn’t hers and she wasn’t mine
I was simply the fool she toyed with
At night, of course
But
Somewhere
Something
Inside I missed her
And it grew and grew with great force
Until I wasn’t there anymore
There was none of me left to miss her

"Sometimes I wanted to be like momma because momma was beautiful with skin so golden and pure you would have thought she came straight out of a treasure chest. Her hair spiraling into tight curls hanging a top her shoulders and eyes so big and full of hope. She had curves that could cause an accident if not paying attention, this was her flaw, she was a cautionary tale reeking havoc on whom so ever crossed her path. she had those long fingers and shiny nails that gripped onto you just when you tried to pull away. Full pink lips that looked as if they held a thousand wonders. Momma was a star in her own light and she knew it, owned it with ever fiber of her being. "

Warm breeze breathes through the air as the summer leaves. Slowly rust and turn to a hideous yellow and suddenly the warm air that once existed now turned to a cool fall day.
     Within an hour the leaves fall and are swept away with one solemn blow and that frigid fall day turns to a bizarrous snow from the sky and covers the ground with a slate of white wonderland as the trees begin to die.
     With no air to breathe and no water to drink they shrivel up til their bare skins show til they are completely naked amongst.
     The glorious trees that once blossomed with beautifully colored leaves with fruits and flowers coming from all angles now starved in the cold winter weather but soon they will breathe again...soon...when March comes.
     Up and up she tries her hardest to shine thru the gloom of winter and melt away the white cover cast over the Earth.
     Slowly the flowers gain their luxurious glow and begin to flourish under the warm Spring sun bringing forth the greatest of all creations formed under the flushed Spring sky.

Saturday she set forth on a journey
She casted away the waves of her past
Creating a promise to herself to never go back
Never be the same
To never be that girl again - the one that runs
She always ran from him - whenever he struck
she would run, run and hide and cry her eyes out
But not anymore - Now she was done
He was gone and she was running for the last time

Friday the previous day, she have endured the last
she couldn't do it anymore so that night when he struck
She ran to the kitchen and grabbed the knife
He didn't thnk she would so he teased and teased
Until she snapped
He came towards her to get the knife from her, but she warned him
Told him to stay away
He didn't listen and kept going

Last thing I remember is washing the blood off my hands after leaving the bridge