I’m not sure how much longer I can ignore the feeling in the
pit of my stomach whenever I talk to you.
I keep showing you too much of myself,
much more then I have shared in a while.
I haven't even felt you skin pressed against mine
and you almost know as much about me as my past lover.

What classifies “like”? When is it considered “love”?
I have a bad past with these words,
but can never seem to forget them.
I still remember the nights I found myself
sprawled over a toilet seat in my own home.
Choking on the memory of stranger’s empty promises.
Spitting up bile because of my inability to distinguish
between lust and love.
Will the time come when I don’t fear myself
longing for someone else’s touch?
Let me know if you have another, call me if you need
just a body.
I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be
used by you.
For now I'll be okay with only the butterflies
that arise every time you enter the room.
I just want to stop waking up on the cold
bathroom floor filled with only regret
from the day before.
I've searched too many nights at the bottom of
patron bottles for something that resembled
the feeling I get when you’re by.

Treat me like glass when I act
like rubber.
Don't run away when you bleed from
one of my sharp edges.
Feed my happiness with your laugh
and secrets.
I apologize for all the days I’m sad,
it’s a recurring mood in my head.
I’ll always be here for you,
even when you're sick in bed.
Pile your distress and worries on me,
the weight is harder to carry than you think.
In return I'll cry easily in your arms and
won’t hold anything back when I speak.
Don't raise your voice because your words
will only ring twice as loud
when I replay them in my head at night.
When it all ends another part of me will crack,
but I will never ever forget all the memories we had.
Your light touches will never resemble the smoke
embracing me in the dark.
The butterflies in my stomach won't be the same
when I'm dangling over bridge ways.
Your lips don't taste like grey goose and cranberries.
I'll have to keep reminding myself this
every once in awhile.
I hope you don't cope with loss the
way I do.
Anxiety filled blue nights will soon
resemble clear skies.
Once again,
love will pass over my eyes.

vulnerability is the worst emotion
time after time you try to leave your shell
practicing some type of
self promotion
telling others you really need to
work on what you say
oh how they encourage you without delay
“but you're amazing you shouldn't hide”
“you are not alone”
“you can't just avoid everyone all your life”
my only fear isn’t just everybody else
vulnerability has this way of
taking hold of your tongue
regretting every word you speak
and don’t speak
your worst enemy becomes yourself
makes me want to scream in frustration
I know I can be something amazing
I want to run forward without
looking back ever again
I try to so hard to force these
sentences out of me
to keep some hope about
being accepted as just who I am
some days no matter what I try
I must accept defeat
maybe instead of using
words this time
I'll use something like
a double-edged knife
I'll slit my stomach open and
spill all that i’ve kept inside
would that be enough
would people understand me then
because as of now whenever
I use my head
they never seem to quite get it
people they always shoot
me down without a use of
even a reply
with my whole self laid out
on the ground they surely
should understand all that I am
and plus I read this was
an honorable way to die

i think of you a lot
i'm reminded of our
late night conversations
discussing topics
like our temptations
i wonder a lot
what you might be
doing or saying
do i ever cross your mind
i was never like this
i kept my emotions confined
locked in my chest
left so many sentences unsaid
kept myself constrained
because no one ever hurt
when they did nothing
involving pain
but now i'm drawing
hearts on school desks
scribbling them out
in frustration
sharing your name
much too often then
getting jealous because
of the attention
that you give to others
feeling mostly
like a bother
if i text first will
you respond
i have nothing
to offer
but i want to hear
from you
i cant stop thinking
of the things you do

you always found love
in places it never existed
in the cracks on the cushion
of my favorite chair
at the bottom of a
coffee cup the morning after
caressing each other
through light linen sheets
and heavy panting
everyone you came into
contact with filled you with joy
you found love in the back seat
of a car owned by a stranger
you found love behind a building
wrapped in cold wind and
unrecognizable fingers
with a heart that accepted everyone
you forgot yourself
I never expected anything
and you gave everything
your heart remained open
from an old intruder that
tore your doors off it’s hinges
left you naked in the night
ever since then nothing ever
stayed hidden except
your inability to love, right?

Can't you bear one more night?
Tie the loosening threads
of my mind to your wrist
so I can follow after your
trail when you leave me in the night.
How much will I unravel
before you stop running?

Good luck trying to "save me"
Because to you all I do is self destruct and **** everything
In your eyes, I need help from people with Ph.D.'s  
I need to be stuffed with pills, take EEG scans
Violated with stethoscopes and serotonin shots
"I'll fix you, I promise"
Smile at me like a scientist does to it's experiment
Make me feel like I'm the guilty one when you hold my hand
As I sit down for these doctors and tell them when it starts to hurt
I should've started screaming a long time ago
I can no longer remember when I first felt all this pain
When was the last time I told someone how I felt that wasn't paid by someone else?

The excitement vibrates through my skin
I can feel my brain waves changing
Is this a dream? Do I awake once again underneath a roof wishing tomorrow would leave already?

As a child I always received pink things
Pink sheets, pink walls, pink bows, pink dolls
But my favorite color was blue
Maybe that's why I kiss you so fervently in dark rooms
Even after countless fights and tears
I'm attracted to the storm clouds above your head
I love all your flaws and fears
White eyes turn red
Pure souls bleed together
Once again I am yours
Let's pretend it's forever
Pressing together  hoping it will never end
Giving kisses that paint me purple
There's no limit to what we will do
Restlessly continuing until we are both black and blue