Something no one wants to talk about
But something that is itching to be said
I don't care about politics
Society
I care about life
A little life that you killed
If you choose to make it
Don't choose to **** it
Some people say
When you are ***** it is ok
To **** that life inside of you
It pains me to agree that
Yes that is ok
If you feel that is what god is telling you
Then do it
Because it wasn't you choice
It wasn't you mistake
Your fault
If you choose to make it
Don't **** it
Because you will never feel grieve
Until you realize
The terrible
Unchangeable mistake
You just made
If your going make mistakes
Don't make another
Living human
Suffer in your place
Because no matter what anyone says
The minute that baby starts growing
In your body
It is living
Keep it living
Keep it thriving

I can't write out what I really mean to say
All I can bring myself to do is cry and cry
Until I am breathless.

And I am ashamed of what I have done
I hold the most regret in my heart and feel the pain of my choice every single day

I wonder what you would look like
And what you would laugh like
And of what color your eyes and hair would be

And I just don't understand how I could ever be forgiven.

I wish so desperately I could go back and choose differently.
I become so angry now when I hear women and men talk about abortion
I want to scream and cry until I am drained.
I hold my stomach and wish I hadn't been so selfish

I wish I could hold you, every minute, every day
I wish I had you sleeping beside me with a sister you would have loved so dearly
And she would have loved you more than anything.
She would have protected you... Which is what I should have done.

It's been a year and a half. You would have been one soon.
Maybe walking by now.
I wonder if you still grew, with God up in heaven with all of the other millions of children who should have been here.
I wonder if you can see me and my tears.

You still consume my thoughts
As if you made your bed there and are forever sleeping..

I will never make peace with the decision I made.

My mom once had a dream,
A daughter quite not like me.
She hoped for a girl, oh so bright instead of spite.
She hoped for an offspring to carry on the family name and change for the better. Instead i've chosen the road less considered, abandoned almost. I walk it alone, a pack of cigarettes and not a worry at all.
I lack courage and bravery.
I lack forewarning and a conscience.  
I lack heart and therefore have no feeling whatsoever.
I lack meaning and therefore have chosen to **** myself.
I lack the knowledge that i was never really here, alive, existing--
Oh how disappointed my dear mother must feel..

From the moment I felt you in my 17 year old belly, I knew I would **** you.
Even though I loved you.
I knew I would **** your innocent face,
your shapeless hands,
your unknown soul,
and I knew from the moment i felt the fluorescent lights beam down on my face,
that I was making a mistake.

I'm back home,
sleeping in the bed we made love on.

We haven't spoken in a few weeks now.

I miss you.
I didn't think I would,
and I know I shouldn't.

I hate you,
I hate so much about you,
I hate all the awful things you did to me
and I hate that you hate me now too.

I walk past the places you kissed me,
I sleep in the bed where you first told me you loved me
(remember? You said it when I told you I was leaving you.)

I know about all the manipulations and the lies,
but somehow,
when I think of you,
all I can think about
is the way you would tell me how small my hands were,
you would fold them in yours and kiss all my fingers.

Our weekend rituals.
The summer weeks where your parents would go to Nevada and we would stay in your bed all day.
When we built a fort out of blankets in my room and spent the whole weekend watching netflix in our castle.
Your stupid ******* tiny car with your spiderman plush ball on the dash.
(I still have the Iron Man one you gave me in my dorm room.)

I'm drinking the same wine we used to sip,
until you stopped drinking.
So I started drinking by myself,
(You said you loved it when I got drunk because I kissed you more)


I never wanted to love you,
I knew you were bad for me,
I knew you were going to **** me up,
and believe me, you did.

But I can't stop thinking about the way you would kiss my shoulders,
the way we would sit in my car in the rain listening to the Killers after school, how we would drive down to Roseville for no other reason than you thought I deserved a nice dinner.

Sometimes, just for a drunken moment, I forget that you were literally the worst thing that ever happened to me.

(I hate that I still care about you)
(I hate that you ever ******* came into my life)

sometimes I wake up in the morning
and pretend I can start all over
that my forehead pounding will subside
and when I delete the messages I sent
they will be gone forever
I will work my job
my coworkers believing
I live a settled life
that I didn't drink the bar as dry as I could
or slept on a friend's couch with the girl
my friend wanted in his bed
I drink a cold glass of water
hoping it will breath life into me
and down ibuprofen like candy
the world creeps in through the blinds
and I tell myself I'm okay
I can't be too far gone
my phone vibrates and it takes
everything I have not to throw it
out the window
and drive my car east until
I no longer recognize street signs
park on the side of the road somewhere
and just be quiet for awhile
but instead I get dressed
check my watch
stumbling towards the door
because today I start all over