when I was the happiest
I found a glimpse of true friendship
in sparklers and smoke bombs
driving to the town over
to stand in the dark
blasting out our ear drums
I had never had anything like that
before
the days were long
into the night
when I sat on the top of the hill
where my life began
where I thought it ended
the place I gave my heart away twice
I pushed the seat down
and blared the music
I cried for something better
than this
if I only knew
I'd been having fun all along
it was all just a game
I had liked to play too much
until 2 years too late
I sat in an empty apartment
messing the floor with ribbons of red
coming from my wrists
they should have been at my sides
next to the boy whose fingers
were broken
and I held them in mine
and told him
his hands looked like me

we were built by the chaos theory
no outward motion of science
ever led us to believe
or left us believing in each other
one small wing from a butterfly
brought me nearer to you
and farther
now
when my head is on your shoulder
and your heart is with her

one minute you are the love of my life
the next you are the crumbs on my floor
and the sirens in my head
I don't blame you for your faults
you can be so distant when I'm only
an inch from your face to mine
the stitches on my legs are breaking
and I've thought about running
from time to time
I don't know if I can get away
do you love me enough to say more
than what you've been swallowing
throughout the years as they pass and go

I go
do you want to leave yet?

I go for broke and you are my only gamble
you give me **** for roses and laughs for aches
I've never wanted to be so distant
than I am now
I'm pulling myself back to,

how, how,
how?
a funny word I said again to myself
how
am I here again

look at my pain and my scars
look at the holes that he cut
deep, deep into me
marvel at the openness of my chest now
the light which is allowed in
now that i am hollow
he shallowed my existence
but deepened my humanity
for that, I thank him
for that, I want you to look at me
for what I am now
different

am I hard to please?
or are you just
insufficient
a machine, out of order
you've come to do less
for me
than I've done
for you
like a machine,
I will put you away
for someone else
to use

I think about you over and over
until my heart grows numb
and my hands get old
maybe we will feel something
the same one day or another
as it turns dark out
I lose your small frame
as the sky blackens around us
I should have more things to say
but I don't
I just don't
and I never do