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  May 2015 Lunden Gabriel Lee
Sade LK
If God was real
He'd let me die-
Too much suffering
In this tiresome life.
He'd know the thrill
Is not worth the strife,
And all the heavy
Outweighs the light.

If I could feel,
Then I could try.
All the emptiness and sorrow
Would simply all subside.
If I could crawl out from the darkness
And beg for acceptance in light-
Maybe if I weren't so numb I might.

Hollow is this whole wide world,
Filled with greed and hate-
Crumbling around me
And they blame it on the plates.
Power and destruction-
I can't come to appreciate
What we have done...
To this place.

I am born of burdens,
I was born too late.
Missed my chance
So the devil danced me
To my fallen fate.
Held captive to damnation,
I will waste my life away.
Wondering- is this a dream?
And when will I
When will I, when will I
Wake??

Hollow is this heavy heart
That beats for needless, just to bleed.
All this screaming on the inside
Raised the monster, raised the beast.
How can I strike it down without
Destroying me?
I was doomed to rule the darkness
Etched in stars- the destiny.
If there is a God out there, then tell me,
Where is his mercy?

So alone, and I'll die alone like this.
So alone, and I'll wear it on my wrists.
So alone, everyone leaves eventually.
All things must end, except the
Great infinity.
So numb! And I'll keep myself this way.
So numb! And I'll **** myself some day.
So numb! And I've nothin more to say.
Yes, this will end,
Make no mistake-
You too will ache.
Yes, it all ends,
Not hard to break-
You too will ache.
Written August 4th, 2014
This is actually a blues/metal song, but I haven't written anything in a while so I figured it might be worth posting.
  May 2015 Lunden Gabriel Lee
Sade LK
I wanted to watch a movie.
Knew you would appreciate horror.
Figured you could use some company
And I could use a nice entertainment system.
So I drove out to your house
Where no one ever goes
Cause you're always all alone
And I felt bad for you.
We smoked a bowl and that was fine.
I was already strung out and we
Went into your kitchen
You gave me candy and a coke.
Downstairs you let me pick the horror flick
I sat at a comfortable distance
Across the couch.
You said, " Sit closer."
I could feel your loneliness
Burning through my skin with
The way you looked at me.
So I moved a little closer but kept my
Torso as far away as possible,
Kept my eyes focused on the movie
Even when your hand crept across
My belly, I was
Extremely uncomfortable, and it
Was not because I am self conscious.
I was nervous,
But not because I liked you, I just
Felt bad for you, and so I didn't push you away.
I should have.
Credits rolled and I almost ******* ran
For the door.
I knew you wanted more, you
Stood behind me and grabbed my
Waist, pushed me into your room and said,
"Stay with me."
I half stumbled and sat on your bed.
It was comfortable, but I got
Up and grabbed my stuff.
Making excuses as you picked out my
Pajamas, you said,
"It's a long drive, don't use anymore drugs tonight,
We don't have to have ***, if that's what you were thinking."
I should have left. I should have left. I should have left.
But I put the pajamas on, even after several sayings of,
"I don't want to."
I laid on the opposite side of the bed.
Said, "Let's go to sleep."
You pulled me close to you
With a force that was much more frightening
Than that horror movie,
And I froze.
Just like when I was a kid. I laid there
Let you touch me and pretended it was
Just another flashback.
I rolled onto my stomach so there was
Less of me for you to have, but you
Pulled down my pants and took me.
Just like when I was 7,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16
I told myself, "If you pretend to be numb
You might not feel so much pain."
Thank god you got off quick.
But I should've known you weren't quite finished,
And it happened again, at least I had
Practice giving in and
Blacking out-
Separating mind from body
And they all wonder why I'm so
D i s s c o n e c t e d .
You said, "That's the best I've ever had." They
All
Say
That.
I got up, got dressed in darkness with shaking hands
Searching for something to
Cover my shame.
Angry, you said, "You're just gonna **** me and leave?"
I just wanted to watch that movie.
But all I could feel for you was pity.
And I walked myself out.
Didn't cry in the car,
I never do.
At home I smoked
So
Much
******
That I really hoped it would **** me.
I cut 12 gushing blood gashes
On my arm, the first time in 5 weeks.
I deserved it, needed to be punished
So ******* disgusted by myself for
Letting that happen, again.
All my fault.
Just like when I was 7, and it all started.
Every single time, it was all my fault.
In the shower I desperately tried to
Scrub my sins away
'Til my skin was raw and red,
Wished I could blow my ******* head off of my
Broken body.
Couldn't talk about it for days.
Today I confessed
To a friend who said,
"He ***** you."
But those words make it too real
I cannot deal with that again
Not now, I am not a kid.
Adding 20 to my list.
Adding scars to my wrists.
How to tell my therapist that
Our year of weekly outpatient progress
Has been destroyed in one night.
Wish I'd died when I was 5
The first time I tried on suicide
It was the perfect size that I never could outgrow.
I can't believe I've made it this old.
A shattered spirit, hollow soul.
I wouldn't **** you if I could, because
You'll probably **** yourself
And I feel bad for you.
Cause you probably believed, somehow
That I actually wanted you.
It is only pity that you filled me with
A filthiness that will forever stain my memories.
Scrubbing in showers, but never feeling clean.
It's all my fault, after all.
Maybe I
*Deserved it.
Written September 1st, 2014
  May 2015 Lunden Gabriel Lee
Sade LK
OCD
My scars don't look like
Anyone else's-
They're more careful,
Organized, precise and
Exact.
Not light, but
Never deep enough
Never deep enough
Never deep enough
Never deep enough.

People always ask why
I do such pretty patterns:
Because this is the only thing in life
That I can really control
Control
Control,

And I find it so beautiful-
Though, not so much tragic.

My scars are not chaotic like a
Car-wreck,
They are consistent like a
Coma-
Proof that I was awake
The whole time I was sleeping,
And I could feel everything
Even though I could tell no one.
No one.

That this
Unconscious obsessive compulsion
Demands order
Order
Order,
it
Insists by instinct,
An intricate simplicity.

Still, I will 'ever envy
Those stitched gashes, once
Gushing
Gushing
Gushing with surrender and
Serenity...
Each raised and rough coarse collagen fiber
To form a white flag
Forever etched in flesh;
To tell the world
They, were a ***** to freedom-

I am only a *****
To *myself.
Written December 6th & 8th, 2014
  May 2015 Lunden Gabriel Lee
Sade LK
Moldy mutterings-
A char-broiled doomsday
Licks the salted air, no condensation in clouds
Dry and cracked.
Elephant stomp
Pounded ground where
Lizard-scaled turnip roots drip
Into dirt, drooping low and quick.
That senseless racket, the incessant buzzing
Yellowed a crusted earlobe
The cauliflower cult.
Chipped to smithereens
As the sun split
In sizzling heat.
No porcelain skin to drizzle
Tender sweat beads
Blackened back-burner.
Conquest of detention to
Contain lackluster irrelevant lessons
Blessed with a dead hand
Crumpled flesh stump.
Hunched Trapezius circle person
Cowering in familiar corners.
Glisten as an oyster's ravaged shell,
Sour cream pearl dangling between your *******.
Twinkling Adam's apple
This speech could sink its teeth in.
Spurting eloquence
Gushed up word juice.
Swallow hard and whole
Choke on the knowing.
Written February 20th, 2014
  May 2015 Lunden Gabriel Lee
Sade LK
When you're a kid
Some nice person gives you a balloon.
You hold it in your hand by its string;
Touch the shiny tension
Knowing you could pop it at any point.
That feeling.
But I don't wanna talk about
When I was a kid, anymore,
And I've grown so old talking about it.
Cause all I can think of, nowadays
Is a not-so-nice person, giving me
A balloon for $20- that good ****.
I hold it in my hand by the
String of what is keeping me alive;
Touch the black and strum the tension in your
Head's sick symphony.
You're ******* sick, and
Knowing you could pop at any point.
It's that feeling.
But I don't wanna talk about feelings, anymore.
Cause I could never really tell if
I ever felt at all- but this is
All too much
And I have got to get my fix.
It's another $20, it's another
Tension in my head, and
Please, balloon man, make this
Feeling go away.
I don't wanna talk about
How it bubbles, right before
The s  l  i  d  e.
The chase, the
Tickle.
The honey sweet- try not to puke;
The relief.
The relief.
The relief.
The relief.
The relief.
Fix me.
A paradise of
Strung out dreams.
You shake and hang your head
Below the bowl, nodding out while throwing up.
I am the modern grunge queen-
The rockstar essence
Musical inspiration.
My guitar has never wept so pure
And begged for more like my
Voice was a cure-
But it isn't. And nothing is.
But this
Makes everything
Better, in the worst way.
Driving home the next day.
The sensation of wanting something
More than air
But can't breathe.
**** me.
**** me.
**** me.
Written June 5th, 2014
  May 2015 Lunden Gabriel Lee
Sade LK
I lay on your chest and caress your soft skin
Kept pressed against my head.
I smell the scent of your sweet sweat and
Feel the chill of your warm breath on the back of my neck.
I let myself relax and don't ask what's on your mind
Cause I know what's on mine is so, completely different.
So instead of a question I could answer myself
My fingertips lightly trickle across each rib to your hips
While my lips skim your collarbone with a kiss
And then form the silent words
"I love you."
I don't even whisper cause I know you're listening to each breath,
And I bet if I would've said it, you would've left again.
Like when we made love a half hour ago,
You had me panting and pinned to the floor
While we just layed there- connected.
I could feel your heart beat against mine
And the beautiful pulse sent ripples of euphoria throughout
My entire body.
I wanted to tell you then, too, but didn't wanna lose the moment.
I had to blink back hot, stinging tears from flooding my soft, confused eyes because I know
I will lose you. Again.
It's just a matter of time now.
I hold you closer to me, and wanna plead, wanna beg
Please don't leave me! Don't break me again!
Just take me! And keep me until
My heart falls apart in your hands!
Then put the pieces back together, kiss them better, and keep them forever.
I wake up beside you and purr Goodmorning while my mouth
Teases your ear with teeth and tongue.
I call you my baby, like a 9 month old habit
That catches on quick after 3 months of cold turkey.
But it still comes natural to me,
And it seems so easy
To just tell you.
And I wish I could say everything...
But things are different now.
Written March 16th, 2011
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