I wanted to watch a movie.
Knew you would appreciate horror.
Figured you could use some company
And I could use a nice entertainment system.
So I drove out to your house
Where no one ever goes
Cause you're always all alone
And I felt bad for you.
We smoked a bowl and that was fine.
I was already strung out and we
Went into your kitchen
You gave me candy and a coke.
Downstairs you let me pick the horror flick
I sat at a comfortable distance
Across the couch.
You said, " Sit closer."
I could feel your loneliness
Burning through my skin with
The way you looked at me.
So I moved a little closer but kept my
Torso as far away as possible,
Kept my eyes focused on the movie
Even when your hand crept across
My belly, I was
Extremely uncomfortable, and it
Was not because I am self conscious.
I was nervous,
But not because I liked you, I just
Felt bad for you, and so I didn't push you away.
I should have.
Credits rolled and I almost ******* ran
For the door.
I knew you wanted more, you
Stood behind me and grabbed my
Waist, pushed me into your room and said,
"Stay with me."
I half stumbled and sat on your bed.
It was comfortable, but I got
Up and grabbed my stuff.
Making excuses as you picked out my
Pajamas, you said,
"It's a long drive, don't use anymore drugs tonight,
We don't have to have ***, if that's what you were thinking."
I should have left. I should have left. I should have left.
But I put the pajamas on, even after several sayings of,
"I don't want to."
I laid on the opposite side of the bed.
Said, "Let's go to sleep."
You pulled me close to you
With a force that was much more frightening
Than that horror movie,
And I froze.
Just like when I was a kid. I laid there
Let you touch me and pretended it was
Just another flashback.
I rolled onto my stomach so there was
Less of me for you to have, but you
Pulled down my pants and took me.
Just like when I was 7,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16
I told myself, "If you pretend to be numb
You might not feel so much pain."
Thank god you got off quick.
But I should've known you weren't quite finished,
And it happened again, at least I had
Practice giving in and
Separating mind from body
And they all wonder why I'm so
D i s s c o n e c t e d .
You said, "That's the best I've ever had." They
I got up, got dressed in darkness with shaking hands
Searching for something to
Cover my shame.
Angry, you said, "You're just gonna **** me and leave?"
I just wanted to watch that movie.
But all I could feel for you was pity.
And I walked myself out.
Didn't cry in the car,
I never do.
At home I smoked
That I really hoped it would **** me.
I cut 12 gushing blood gashes
On my arm, the first time in 5 weeks.
I deserved it, needed to be punished
So ******* disgusted by myself for
Letting that happen, again.
All my fault.
Just like when I was 7, and it all started.
Every single time, it was all my fault.
In the shower I desperately tried to
Scrub my sins away
'Til my skin was raw and red,
Wished I could blow my ******* head off of my
Couldn't talk about it for days.
Today I confessed
To a friend who said,
"He ***** you."
But those words make it too real
I cannot deal with that again
Not now, I am not a kid.
Adding 20 to my list.
Adding scars to my wrists.
How to tell my therapist that
Our year of weekly outpatient progress
Has been destroyed in one night.
Wish I'd died when I was 5
The first time I tried on suicide
It was the perfect size that I never could outgrow.
I can't believe I've made it this old.
A shattered spirit, hollow soul.
I wouldn't **** you if I could, because
You'll probably **** yourself
And I feel bad for you.
Cause you probably believed, somehow
That I actually wanted you.
It is only pity that you filled me with
A filthiness that will forever stain my memories.
Scrubbing in showers, but never feeling clean.
It's all my fault, after all.
Written September 1st, 2014