Remember when we
Confided in each other
Laughed at the
Shallowness of society?

And as the days went by
My feelings
Our feelings for each other
Grew stronger
And we confessed.
I recall how
Warm and red
My face was.  

We were so close,
You were the only true friend
I had.
I trusted you,
Loved you.
And once upon a time
I was sure you did, too.

But what happened?
Did I say something wrong?
Or did your fickle mind
Simply grow bored
Of this pathetic, desperate girl
With a warped view of the world?

Because now
We barely talk
And I'm always the one who
Initiates a conversation
That always ends so abruptly.

Can we go back to
What we used to be?
Best friends,
Nothing more?

I'm not asking for romance,
I long gave up on that.

I.
you begin growing flowers
in a little garden,
in a *** on the kitchen windowsill,
in your hands,
in his veins,
in his heart,
in his head,
because you want him
only to think pretty little perfect thoughts.
you say that the garden
gives you something to do,
but I know that’s all he is to you.
just something to do.
just someone to make perfect.
you want to sit by
his bed and make sure that he gets
the perfect amount of
sun and
light and
water and
soil and
love and
nourishment and
I don’t know why
you and he don’t
break up; why he hasn’t
broken up with you
yet. you just want
to fix him.
that is not love

II.

you start
drinking coffee
more and
more and the little blue and pink striped coffee mug you use acquires
more and
more stains as you stay up past midnight
more and
more and “oh just one
more hour, I’ll go to bed.”
but that is
a lie.
it’s all a lie
my dear.
you say that the
coffee gives you energy,
but you said that about him
and you aren’t getting drunk on him
at 1 in the morning. you’ve been obsessing over him
and pretending that you do care, that you really love him.
you don’t love him,
you never have loved him.
you’re only using him
for your own selfish needs and you treat him
like the keurig you keep in your small apartment.
you’re with him because he
makes you feel young, he gives energy.
that is not love.

III.

you begin making hats
for your friends and
for your family and
for your colleagues and
for the **** addict two doors away and
for the homeless man you pass every day.
you say the hats occupy you,
but that's what you use him for.
you sit there with your
knitting needles
at his side fixing up his
"loose ends"
and then you give him away
to the world.
he is not a hat.
you cannot pick which perfect parts show
and make sure he is fixed before the world
sees him. he is
not a project to keep
you busy.
you only keep him so
you can make him perfect.
that is not love.

IV.

i begin telling you
that you are toxic for him,
you're ruining him,
you're making him
believe that since brokenness courses through him
he needs help. you cannot make him
hate him-
self even more than he does. you will ruin him
for everyone. i know you try to fix him
but you are breaking him.
he is naïve and he thinks there is something wrong with him
because you want to help him.
you make him
feel inferior by treating him
as such.
he is not a garden that you can nourish.
he is not a cup of coffee that you can use.
he is not a hat that you can make perfect.
he is a human.
treat him as such.
man, if i were lucky enough to be his,
he would not be treated inanimately.
he is a person.
love is not the same as fixing someone.
a romantic is not the same as a repairman.
your kind of love is not the same as my kind of love.
YOU DON’T LOVE HIM!!!
we all see how toxic you are
we all know what this love is doing to him.
you are so flawed in thinking
that you are actually helping him
live a better life. you are
not helping this boy
one bit.
you are harmful.
but we all knew this from the beginning.
you did this to me.
i was like a candle that
you decided
you could light whenever it benefitted
you. whenever
you needed me to be lit,
you would give me a fire, give me a spark. but as soon as
you were done with me,
you would put me out.
you cannot treat people the way
you do.
you cannot make them feel as worthless as
you do.
this love between you and he
is very toxic. you need
to fix yourself
and stop trying to fix him.
you’ve hurt dozens by
seeing them as
objects
and not as
people.

I asked for your hands
You gave me knives

I asked for the truth
You gave me lies

I asked for laughter
I was given cries

I asked for honesty
I was awakened by infidelity

I asked for hope
I was given ropes

I asked for a little rest
I was given death

Divided we fall, the river runs rapids,
Caged, controlled, a dichotomy,
It's inner wave of rebellion and force,
For it shall not be tamed and I shall,
Not surrender for this greater good,
Of refusing my wandering or wondering,
For shall I not chase of death,
I shall wander, alone if need be,
For as these falls pour and sprout,
Crinkle and cut water edges, stones and brick,
As they endure, I too shall endure, for I am as mighty as any force of nature,
Any greater than any curse bestowed on me,
For I may not be omnipotent or a caped crusader,
I may at once be Jekyll and then be Hyde,
I may be the worst of times or the best of times,
I may render myself insignificant or seek a grandiose in my stare,
I'm the human, monsters are within me,
Neither me nor thee may see them or fear them,
For I, for I, for I
Am your biggest nightmare for all the world to see,
Majestical and free, I shall always haunt thee.

© Sia Jane

Never
Compromise
With words
They are
The poem's personality

and she had
eyes like ghosts
invisible and
haunting with 
their past lives
and last loves

pale white
wrists with
bones and
veins protruding 
like the
lined drips of
a cemetery candle

her heartbeat
was an 
eerie melody 
filling my 
nightmares

yet I feared 
the day that
this symphony
would stop

that your 
skeleton whispers
would no longer
graze my
shivering cold
heart

and that 
the frightening
things you do
would halt
and be replaced
by an even
eerier silence

right now
I fear you
but when I
think of
losing you
and never
seeing you
again
I wonder

what am I
so scared of?