my heart throbs with every breath.
bodies hit the ground one by one,
and i am left with the smell of copper and sulfur
swimming in my nostrils.
fevered with fatigue,
and twisted with despair,
i run;
i run till my legs go weak,
till my lungs shriek,
till the tears in my eyes run dry,
and i am held captive on this road of brutal ******
and merciless destruction.

there is no refuge,
no safe haven -
just hollow spirits
combined with empty caverns
where organs used to reside.
gunshots echo in my ears,
am i really here?
why is the smoke swallowing me whole?

i have no home,
so i hide;
i trip over emaciated fragments
of my family,
hesitating to hold them.
where's the hope?

tonight i am *****
i am stained by unwanted hands
i want to lay in the bathtub and let the water soak it all off
to scrub at my skin until it is gone
to let a new, clean layer take its place
every voice is his voice
weathered by the years, who knows what it sounds like
when i close my eyes, every touch is his touch
i shiver beneath it
i am afraid of softness
of beautiful brown eyes
of shy smiles and ‘im sorrys’ and whispers of ****** hair
i am just plain ashamed
tonight i am wearing a shirt to bed
and pants
and socks that go all the way up my legs
tonight i am sleeping faced away from my mirror
surrounded by empty ice cream bowls
hurting
just like the good old days.

the first time i held hands with a girl
my heart raced faster
she was my best friend
she came over to my house
we sat outside
under a blanket
and our fingers were intertwined together
back then, i didn't know what sexuality was

the first time i knew i liked a girl
was in 8th grade
she had dark brown hair
then cut it really short
she was so beautiful
it was hard to breathe
it was only a silly little crush

the first time i kissed a girl
was on a dare
we were talking about kissing
and i said
"i've always wanted to kiss a girl"
and so we did
and every time we saw each other
we kissed
it was a fun silly joke

the first girlfriend i ever had lasted only a week
but we held hands at school
and we really liked each other
but i was too afraid

the first time i knew i was really into girls too
was in a grocery store
and a good-looking guy walked past
but i didn't really feel anything
this girl was walking behind him
and she smiled at me
and my heart raced faster than it ever has

the first time i asked a girl out was this year
it didn't end well
but it's not really that hard
to ask a girl
if she likes girls too
and i knew i could do it again

the first time i knew i wanted a girlfriend
wasn't too long ago
i just wish i had the nerve
to ask more girls out
and just have fun
before i started the rest of my life

the first time i knew what sexuality was
i knew there was always something different about me
and i figured it out later on

i'm pansexual. deal with it.