tonight i am *****
i am stained by unwanted hands
i want to lay in the bathtub and let the water soak it all off
to scrub at my skin until it is gone
to let a new, clean layer take its place
every voice is his voice
weathered by the years, who knows what it sounds like
when i close my eyes, every touch is his touch
i shiver beneath it
i am afraid of softness
of beautiful brown eyes
of shy smiles and ‘im sorrys’ and whispers of ****** hair
i am just plain ashamed
tonight i am wearing a shirt to bed
and pants
and socks that go all the way up my legs
tonight i am sleeping faced away from my mirror
surrounded by empty ice cream bowls
hurting
just like the good old days.