I stare at the ceiling
drained
by all the things I didn't do
Tasks and obligations are notecards
wedged between collections of thoughts
slowly taking up space on my shelf
until nails give and wood splinters
Favors are rough, leathery bookmarks
dominating Bible-thin planner pages
straining and bending
until schedules fan out
in a fat, perfect circle
of endless anxiety

I'm listening to the rain outside and wondering why it is that every time I reached out you dissolved like smoke between my fingers. Too many nights of misunderstood signals and mistakes. I should have known from the first moment that we were doomed to repeat the pattern of being exactly in the same place yet missing each other by feet that could have been light years. My mind caresses the ridges of your key, the curve of your laugh, the edges of our pain. I wish I could travel back to Kaminarimon or those back alleys of Golden ***. I'd throw wine glasses on the floor and scream 'I love you' when you could still hear it. And now you're distracted and there isn't the tiniest flicker of hope I'll find you looking my direction. Even with a flashing sign stabbed through my heart dedicating it to you. Even with other people whispering that I follow you around like a leaky shadow with my soul in a jar. Even though you could. You very well could. Your whole gaze must be filled up with red and green and just...her. Beautiful, wonderful, mesmerizing, world-changing her. Sometimes I've wondered if I could still taste you on her if I asked, if she didn't mind. And when I close my eyes, I can almost remember what you tasted like on me.

*Almost.

Today I stopped to imagine

If hindsight were foresight,
love languages always matched,
and needs were always met

If we never hurt each other
or let each other down
and if distance, time or death couldn’t separate

If…
If only…

How rich and beautiful the tapestry of our connections would be

No one is more skilled
at twisting words,
care,
desire,
vulnerability,
and love
into barbed wire.

If death were as simple as a Dominos easy button,
I'd be stripping down for the delivery boy.

It is hot and quiet.
Mountains of chocolate wrappers surround me,
every bit as empty as I am filled with failure.

I am thirty-six years missing an idea,
fifty pounds of destructive attempts to make sense of it,
five hundred sixteen heartbroken poem disasters,
and a longing for love that drives everyone to the opposite end of the universe.

At light speed.

You'll be gone eventually too.
I'll cry,
but I won't feel anything.

When all is said and done
And I'm tucked into the blanket fort alone
I think of you

And I think if only I could write
The perfect love poem
The most perfect love poem
Then finally
I could reach you

Maybe
If I learned to write
I could show you how
I see you
And how everything about you is
Beautiful

Things are so hard right now

I

t r y


t  o



g   i   v  e





y    o    u






s      p      a      c      e





But

I

miss

you

...

Today I fell asleep dreaming of you
And
Then
****. 11:30
And I
Rushed rushed rushed rushed rushed
Nearly falling down
To get to
my phone
To get back
to
you

And my heart
Sank when I
I saw that
you were
crying
alone
;_;

You thought I didn't care
You thought I was punishing you
You thought I was teaching you a lesson
You thought I was like all the others that hurt you

But did you know how I cradled my phone all day?
Hoping against hope you might ask me to go to you?

Did you know how many times I looked at your pictures?
And fantasized about sitting outside your door just in case you woke up and missed me?

How my heart
And my lips
And my tears
Lingered on the last happy emoji you sent?

Did you know it was at 3:57pm on Friday and that it looked like this?
[emoji][emoji]

Did you know how many times I thought of you while you were sleeping?
How much I wanted to hold you in my arms
and breathe with you quietly
so you would know you were loved?

Did you know how devastating it was
To wake
And find I'd
disappointed, hurt
and lost more of your trust
while I wasn't even conscious?

These walls...
The emotional ones
The lock on your front gate
The force field around your room
This distance between us
The imagined sleights
The miles
They are
not us

We are us
When we're together
When we intertwine our fingers
When we share silly stories
When we play and laugh
When we sing...
When we live
and grow
and learn
together

I
haven't
seen
you
for
four
days
now.

They've been so empty without you
Every day without you is the
loneliest

But I hold myself at night
And cry my tears
put on a smile
so you'll think
that I'm okay
Because
If you think
I'm sad there
might be
more
walls

or

m o r e

d  i   s   t   a   n   c   e

and

I'm


dying



watching  




y o u





s  l  i  p






a    w    a    y   .    .    .

Have you ever been in the exact moment
You wish never to forget?
I am there now
Right now.
Surrounded by friends, lovers, dreamers
In a small bar in Shimokitazawa

My partners, my potential partners, my fwb
All in one space enjoying the evening together

I am someone today

We are sharing true stories
Important moments of our lives

I want to kiss everyone
Instead, I love everyone
And wrap them up in my mind
Life is worth living today

sometimes I picture you
on epic adventures
battling to save the world
maybe lost in time
with no battery or reception
fighting to get back home
to wrap me in your arms
and tell me all about it

it’s more comforting
dressing you up as a hero
shining and beautiful
charming and loving
as you always were
denying the reality
that you walked away
without looking back

In oppressive summer heat
Too hot to hold fingers
I followed you through destruction

The Bomb Dome, the memorial,
Our silent brokenness
Mirroring the devastation

Naked, defenseless, burning
Lips parched for the soft touch
Of love or lies, I begged for comfort

Again the rainfall answered
Its promise of respite
streaking decay through innocence

I drank deeply, desperately
To ease the emptiness
Of unspoken, abandoned dreams

Then rotting from within,
my mouth, my eyes, my fingertips
Betrayed all I had held inside

Let them reinforce my bones
Brace with resin and steel
Despairing arms outstretched for you

So that I too can be a symbol
Of peace that never comes.

It's easy to select when you write a Fet profile
But a little more involved to explain
I live it 24/7 means that I can't escape
I live it 24/7 means it's a part of me
And I can't run from the things that hurt or give release

I don't do scenes
I don't have "play" partners
I don't seek out pain
I don't start unhealthy relationships
I don't even want to feel the ways I feel

But when you hurt me, I feel it
When you reject me, I feel it
When you accuse me, I feel it
When you mock me, I feel it
When you hate me, I feel it

I can hate your power over me
I can hate your abuse
I can hate your derision
I can hate myself
But I can't stop the delicious feeling of abject misery

Thanks, you said
For being an ally
You meant well
But I felt invisible

My marriage status
Plain, vanilla clothes
And natural appearance
Fueled your assumptions

This Pride month
Must I don rainbows
Or shave my head
To gain acceptance?

When will diversity
Be so universal
That I can truly be myself
Without being mislabeled?

If suffering is happiness
and tears are love
I am devotion itself
break me
I’ll pen thank you notes in blood

I used to feel lost here
without a family or a purpose.
Five times I packed up to leave.

"The island won't let me go" -
my dramatic way to shift blame
from a lack of direction.

But...
I met you
and you
and you
and you
and you

This year-long journey became twenty
Now we all have a home in each other
If I am still lost, it is only in Love.

I see
tears
before
sunlight,
feel
pain
before
warmth

sense
invisible
shackles
grow
so heavy
I can
barely
move

In
quiet
desperation
my body
attempts
to
drown
itself

Blanket burrito
Anything seems possible
When the day is new

I feel it again
the growing pain
of inadequacy
of being hollowed out
from the core
to be filled
with longing

I fought attachment
knowing the risk
But your beauty
Was too powerful
I loved you
despite myself

I bleed out
unseen

I know not to smoke
But if you could see my thoughts
You’d medicate too

Overwhelmed by helpless disappointment,
      I reach inside my ciphers
And offer bouquets
     of worthless apologies.

Oui, mon petit chou
Still I daydream of you
Sipping and writing

You only like me when I'm someone else.

Not a day goes by
that I don’t wish
I could have been what you wanted.

I wasn’t Monogamy
or Hierarchy,
but I wasn’t casual either.

No, I loved you,
all of you, each of you,
with all that I was.

I shared secrets,
my dreams, my soul,
but with many.

It still hurts
knowing you loved an idea
when I loved you for you.

I die inside
remembering your pain
even if it was inevitable.

For no one
should have to pretend in love
or live a lie.

You were beautiful,
you still are,
our incompatibilities aside.

Forgive me, loves,
for loving in the plural
and breaking all our hearts.

Steady rainfall in the park.
I hardly notice the wet gravel
soaking cold, dark spots
into my soul from the knees.

Tonight, in perfect stillness,
I ventured farther than I have,
or anyone should.
I vainly offered you everything.

Alone now, I listen to the shifting wind.
The tempest is growing, but I want to stay.
If it carries me off at least I'll be spared
the agony of walking away from you.

Water beats down from heaven,
running off my shirt, slicing into skin,
slowly breaking my composure until, at last,
I become the storm.

Steady rainfall in the park.
I hardly notice the wet gravel
soaking cold, dark spots
into my soul from the knees.

Shifting wind
The tempest is growing, but I want to stay.
If it carries me off at least I'll be spared
the agony of walking away from you.

Water beats down from heaven,
running off my shirt, slicing into skin
slowly breaking my composure until, at last
I become the storm.

It is dark and damp
in the alley under your window.
My dreaming is so quiet,
and my body so still,
that a man relieved himself,
unaware, on my paradise.

You may be sleeping,
or reading,
or gaming,
but my thoughts aren't on the you above.
I'm sometime else.

At this point, in this place,
we start and end journeys.

I see us
walking hand in hand
that first night
and all the nights.

I see me
bringing soup when you are sick,
scribbling love letters in the cold,
hiding gifts before you appear,
and yes...crying here too.

I see you
stopping and turning at your doorstep,
smiling and brushing your lips on my forehead,
and a thousand times I am whole.

Please don't come outside.
Don't put down your iPad
or walk downstairs.
I won't be able to explain my tears,

and

*I never want to make the memory
of your not wanting me here.

I tried to protect
the last small piece of me
but now nothing is left

perhaps it’s a gift
to lose everything at times
and then start anew

Sitting in bed
Counting the heartbeats
until you message again

Warm chocolate chips in
Soft, rich, salty-sweet cookies
Perfection exists