i always had a feeling something was there-- not like a tumor, more like a devilish little bird, who refrains from my reach-- something so invisible yet so nauseatingly glaring red, strobing at times like that annoying light on those fire alarms that alert, "fire! fire!" and you run.

sometimes i think we're friends. yet when i, in and out of sleep, turn to embrace this Thing, i am reminded of how sinister it can be. and perhaps my shame comes from the people instead, but how could i not want to catch it, and gnaw at its bones the way it has mine?

when i ask them if it's there, they scurry off like a scolded dog. this shame, it's contagious. and this ******* Bird is like a pair of shoes that somehow gets less broken in over time. when i address it, it echoes back. it mocks me and asks me if i would even know who i am without it. what a cruel thing, and even worse is that it wins with my answer!

thinking back on long ago
as a child i strove to never be alone
to always fit in, but the water-
the water was wide.

i hate to know now that
she never figures out how to cross-
the water was wide,
the water is wide.

i can’t imagine not
being grateful to the water
when it is not quenching thirst
but when it’s flowing faster
than my fragile self can handle
when its power is beyond mine
and i cannot sip nor swallow

the gentle, careful waves
don’t hold still for me to wade in
i am simply coexisting
i am free to swim around
and i may be swept under tomorrow
it’s an ever changing world
and it doesn’t give us rain because we ask

i don’t want life to be easy,
but i wish it were simple
i don’t want to pick flowers
to die in a vase on the table

it’s too late to retreat
it’s too late to begin
it’s too late to start over
i’m too broke to give in

i want it all or none
spend my days in a class or the sun
either a mansion or shack on a hill
if i could put in the effort, complete overkill

but they don’t want me to belong to the land
(only if i put a dollar in their hand)
so i am a little bit lost
a little bit lazy at a pretty large cost
and i want to know things but not out of need
fulfill my own longing, a curious greed

it’s too late to go back
it’s too early to die
it’s too late to start over
it’s no use asking why
can i only have just one?
rich exhaustion or penniless fun
i’m sure that some can,
but that someone’s not me
unless there’s something that no one can see

i’m digging for treasure
i’m not sure is there
maybe i’ll find it…
if i just change my hair

I'm only having fun!
I said.
I'm dancing in the street.
Little bolts of lightning
Are charging up my feet.
Oh! But it's the morning?
Well, what is that to me?
What does it affect you
If I'm dancing until Three?
New experiences are all around,
And surprisingly, most are free.
I have the urge to feel them all
Before it's my time to flee.
I have the urge to make a mess
And let my wild be.
I just want to feel the movement
Of the swaying of the trees.
And I want to feel the rhythmic tides
Of the seven seas.
But all I have for now
Is a hazy yellow, red, and green
Above my head, now Four A.M.
Not a car that I can see,
But if one stopped,
I'd have to ask,
"Wouldn't you like to dance with me?"