i've tricked them once again
i made them believe that everything was fine.
******* I'm good,
even after all this time.

i'm too good at lying to myself,
I'm too good at pushing away the pain.
and even tricking myself
into believing I'm okay.

you're telling me to breathe
but my throat keeps closing.
you tell me to sleep,
but every night is darkness without dreams.

how am i supposed to write,
without spilling blood on the page.
but this is my job now,
and i need a decent grade.

like forcing a bird to sing for food,
you're wringing me out.
my mind dripping to the floor,
i can't create beautiful things anymore.

i'm writing everything over again.
repeating
repeating
repeating myself.

what do you want me to say?
that everything will be okay?
you want me to make my own light,
give myself a nicholas sparks ending.  

because now I'm exposed,
I'm standing in front of you all.
and you can practically see the blood
dripping down my wrists.

with the world standing behind me,
its hard to keep my focus.
"make it pretty" she says,
"don't let them see you're already dead."

i can't turn tears to holy water,
or my own blood into wine.
i can't create beauty,
staring Darkness in the eyes.

You say i scare you.
Yet you are the lion,
And i am the lamb.
You have power enough to save me;
Then rip my heart to shreds.

It will be hard for me to let you in,
Because i've met so many lions before.
And i'm tired of being the lamb,
Of seeing all my blood
Spilled all over the floor.

But i can still be held at fault,
For i'm the one who's spilled the most blood.
I've used my own like paint,
To color my life bright red.
I needed some proof i wasn't dead.

I've even killed some lions,
But not without cause.
They couldn't see how they were slowly killing me.
I had to get away before it was too late.
I've made my mistakes and stayed.

I trust that you won't burn me,
Won't tear me limb from limb.
Apparently, i'm the lion to you.
But I'm just a weak lamb,
Afraid to die at your hands.

If i never let you see
How fragile i really am,
Maybe you can't hurt me;
Maybe you'll think you're the lamb.
And i'll look stronger than i am.

I don't know if you've seen my scars,
The aftermath of war.
I hope to god they don't scare you,
I'm not fighting anymore.
At least not now.

It seems I've slipped some rhymes in,
I guess thats what you do to me.
Once again the words found me easy.
You've given me the color to paint my empty canvas,
I just hope it won't be red.

I want to love you
But I know I'm gonna die.
It's always been a dream
To die by your side.
Holding hands as I slip away,
I'm sorry that I couldn't stay.

You've done me wrong
And I can see that now.
But I still feel you here somehow.
Like drugs in my blood,
What have you done?
Your face flashes before my eyes,
Even months after I've said goodbye.

The nights I don't sleep,
I'm thinking of you.
This bed could be my tomb.
Cuz I'm dying here,
This was always my fear.

That one day you'd be too far gone,
And I live every day in your song.
Under your spell,
I guess you know me too well.
You know I could never stay away,
That's why you don't ever beg me to stay.

You know I'll be back,
But I'm scared that I won't.
Then you'll move on,
And I pray you don't.
Don't find someone new,
Because I'll never really get over you.

You were the first,
And I pray you'll be the last.
I don't know how,
But I'm trying to come back.

You made me sick with pain,
I nearly went insane.
But that's how love works,
It catches you; then it hurts.

And you're worth it all,
Every ache that made me fall.
On my knees screaming,
To whatever God will listen,
"Please make the pain fleeting".

So I let be,
And I let God take me.
Hoping he takes me to you.

I swing my sword
At the monster inside me.
But the blade has been blunted,
It's dull and cannot ****.
What is a warrior without her sword?
Joan of Arc without her horse?

Stripped of my valor,
In the middle of war.
I do not have the means to fight anymore.
Left bare to the sun.
Where arrows can pierce
And daggers can jab.

Trying to create an image,
Which seemed so vivid before.
All my paint is dull
And all my canvas broken.
What is an artist without his brush?
Van Gogh without his hands?

The pain he must feel
When losing his only muse.
He lives through art,
So dies if he cannot paint.
I live through words,
I die if I cannot write.

Now god you've taken my legs.
How do I live,
When I cannot stand.
I fear I've lost my only light.
I fear I'm out of muse.
With nothing more to say.

Like a warrior without her sword.
Van Gogh without his hands.
My words are my legs,
And I cannot stand.

Fabricated.
Fictitious.
A fake floating feeling
Falls short
Of my fleeting fantasy.

This insidious infirmity
Isn't what I intended.
I've been inflicted
With internal indisposition.
In need of an ideal identity.

Who am I without
This ****** to make me whole?
How do I heave my heart
Away from this hole?
Have you seen how hard this is?

But it's been short of a year,
Of believing I can simply be.
And before I break
Bleed me of my bane.
And for me, bear no malice.

Tightly take me
Away from my terible tempest.
Time tells me it's time to stop.
Too long I've tortured my tenemet.
Tame the tantrum tearing through me.

Sober seems strong,
But it's systematic survival.
Stopping the surrender
To something stimulating.
Learning to stand sedated.

No I'm no longer numb.
No longer neglecting my need
For new novcane.
Knowing I'll never need
This vaccine again.

You are all my ambition.
Dispelling my ailments
And afflictions.
I am hard to adore, I know.
You are my new addiction.

You have me dreaming,
Praying we are real.
Made me feel.
Don't decieve my brittle belief.
Keep me, don't leave.

I'm not the kind to fly.
For you i'd try to dive.
Unafraid I might die.
I don't hide from the night.
This is what I've been trying to find.

Cold, unforgiving.
My soul froze in time.
I gave love its last chance,
And clocks stopped.

The big hand contorted,
To mock my closing veins.
The small just pointed
And laughed in my face.

So I shattered all the timepieces,
Forbidding me to count the seconds alone.
In an hourless world,
I lost faith in hope.

The walls as my best friend.
My bed the only lover.
I'm content in waiting
For my torturous life to be over.

But you found me
Wrapped in passing seconds.
Prisoner to tic tic
Pacing in my head.

Where my skin
Tasted of decay.
And my claws retired
From scratching at the gates.

Given up on fighting,
Satisfied with thousand pound lungs.
A half timed beating,
Beneath my hollow ribs.

My souls began to thaw,
Clocks began to move.
All from your touch,
All from your air.

The big hand straightens.
And the small silences itself.
Opening my veins.
No more comically mocking my pain.

Your gentle hands piece together,
All the pieces I shattered.
Back to counting
All the seconds I'm alive.

My walls become acquaintances.
You replace my bed.
I'm not waiting,
This life won't end.

No longer bound
By the song of passing time.
Free from "tic toc",
It's a little less crowded in my head.

Warmth returns to my skin.
My hands click awake.
Not ready to scratch,
But to create.

There is no fight to give up.
Air quickly lifts my lungs.
There's a full paced beating,
Inside my glowing chest.

All because you touched me.
You kissed me.
With a calm fear,
You woke me from my sleep.

I'm toxic,
And you're too close.
You're closing in,
On a dangerous thing.
Bring a shield,
Or some protective gear,
Because my radiation
Has a radius of countless miles.

You're diving in,
To the deepest parts of me.
And I'm scared you'll leave.
Everyone runs,
When they see that I'm ****** up.
But I'm hoping you'll stay,
If only for just one more day.

You've heard the distant shots
Of war.
But I'm hesitant
To show you my wounds.
The scars I collected,
They're a terrible sight.
But I'm addicted to war,
Like a traumatically stressed warrior.

To be scared,
It keeps me alive.
To fear my own mind.
To worry I might die.
This is how I survive.
What a way to live,
On the edge of falling words.

But I need to feel the burn,
The stinging sensation.
Keeping quiet,
Keeps me busy.
Fire keeps me on my feet.
Running in circles,
The tiring race
Is better than defeat.