so much has changed this past year
i can't tell if ive lost myself
or found myself

so many joys and laughter,
but so much heartache too.

im tougher than i used to be,
but is that good?

every day is a new and busy adventure,
i miss the days of staying home all day,
sleeping in, watching tv,
getting paint on my floor,
and dancing around my room alone.

is this growth?
or just change?

here it comes
the goodbyes drowning my eyes
word by word.
still 3 more weeks,
yet the pain has already been here for weeks.

i try to enjoy every moment,
but my nostalgic soul can't help but think about
the pain, loss, and memories.

it'll never be the same,
maybe that's okay,
but it's so so good,
and i don't want it to change.

i'm avoiding the pain inside
filling my days with plans and words
it worked for a while,
until the pain hit me like a ton of bricks
right in the face.
goodbye.
soon to come
but the sorrow has already begun

sometimes i'm done with life.
overwhelmed by the darkness,
a crushed soul still searching for the light,
but its hard to find at times.

i'm told not to give up,
but that's all i want to do.

i'm so young,
it's such a shame,
but i just wanna be done with this painful life.

dear one,
my heart breaks at the thought of you.
you deserved to live,
but that right was taken away from you.
God made you to become something, someone great.

I know you're safe in Heaven,
but I still see your life being taken away so vividly and painfully.
I'm sorry, dear one.

I wish I could have done something,
but your mom's mind was set.
maybe she was scared or felt stuck,
maybe she felt like there wasn't another option.

still,
your life is now gone.
all you could have been is gone.

you never got to experience all the joys and pains of life.
you never got to speak your first word, see your first sunset, graduate high school, go on your first date, get married, or have your own family.

i'm so sorry, dear one.
my heart aches for all you could've been.
i love you,
sweet one.

My, how everything has changed.
Younger me wouldn't even recognize who I am now.
Is that good or bad?
I can't be sure.

Friends I thought I'd never lose,
I'm now watching slip away.

New friends take my hand and join me on this wild ride.
I'm the one to initiate conversations, who am I?

I have guy friends, and I love them so.
Some guys even have feelings for me, but never the right ones.
Still, little me would be in awe.

I thought I would've figured out this faith thing by now,
but sure enough, it's still a struggle.

I've overcome so much, yet peace rarely overcomes my soul.
I sure wish it would, though.