I guess I wanted warmth
And I guess we burned for a while
But you were only a flicker
When I needed fire

I grew up
by the seashore
Never learning
how to swim
Saw sunrise
turn to sunset
As the lazy waves
turned in

Years of watching
the horizon
Spent changing
with the tides
The ocean breeze
still pulled me home
The deep blue
still mystified

It will not spite you
for taking its intentions,
putting it into your mouth
and spitting it back to the world
contaminated with your soul

I've decided to
let time flow
between us

Until it erodes
all the bitterness
we've built up

Washing away
all the pain
and wrong notions

Leaving room
for new waters
to pile up

Until forgiveness
flows back
into the ocean

I am a broken glass of water
filled to the brim
A few drops from spilling
A few drops from breaking

The first time she looked up
She fell in love with the sky
Her heart reaching higher
The only answer was to fly

So she made wings of her heart
Carved dreams into feathers
Bid farewell to earth
And fluttered towards ether

But gravity loved her too
Had no intention to let go
Pulled her firmly to the ground
And broke her wings in woe

I stand at the edge
refusing to fall
I was being defiant
by not answering your call
Because I was afraid
Because I was trying to be brave
Because that moment you reached out
Deep down, I knew wanted to cave
Into
You
Into every promise
I'm too scared to trust
Into everything
I claimed to be weakness
But
You
You see right through my fraud
And you disarm me with your smile
Strip away my facade
And I am left defenseless everytime

Poetry is when I play interpreter to my heart
Fumbling to find the right words
Stumbling to convey love beyond a four letter word
A million things get lost in translation
I inscribe loneliness most times
Happiness she prefers left unwritten
And you, she'd rather kept hidden
But I know you from all the unintended traces that spill unto everything she says
I try not to write about you
Or at least eclipse you in between the lines
But it's impossible when you're the one all her words are meant for

I had a dream once of not so long ago
Of a girl standing still in the middle of the snow
White flakes covered every corner of my view
But I always found her like she was someone I knew

She seemed so familiar with her blood shot eyes
She looked like she'd been crying her entire life
Pale skin covered in wounds and lined by scars
Neon signs blindingly painful even from afar

My entire being desperately ached after her
Every cell screaming, "Don't let her suffer!"
I wanted to hold her, dry all her tears
Tell her there was nothing she should ever fear

But move I could not, not a single step
And words couldn't escape, not even my breath
I struggled hopelessly to be by her side
Thinking that if I didn't, she might have to die

Angry tears threatened, urging me to fight
But then she faded away, out of my sight
Suddenly I could move again but it was now too late
I wasn't able to save the girl from her terrible fate

I fall to the ground heaving, feeling an awful pain
It felt like lightning cursing through my veins
And then there was blood in my now pale complexion
Only then had I known, I was looking at my reflection

I make up
a lot of fantasies
about love
The best one
was the one called us

It seems I write best
when I am a little broken
The cracks allowing escape
of feelings unspoken

Beginnings start at the end
And at 23,
there is still a lot of growing up to go
A few more stumbles
A lot more mistakes
Some tears
but hopefully less heartbreaks

So take it slow
and start where you are
Life is short
but the end is still far
Take risks and make memories
Don't waste any on empty worries

And live each day in all of its glory
Live as the heroine of your story

The phone rings in my hand
as I wipe away the tears.
She calls for no other reason
and the good daughter settles in to take control

It's about my brother of course,
he's in trouble; he needs me
I hold my voice steady and keep the broken parts at bay
I tell her okay. Not to worry and that I'll be on my way

She worries for him, repeats instructions a million times
It hurts me that she doesn't notice the little cracks in my voice
The quiet pauses in between the yes's and okays

I try not to be selfish
Be the daughter she needs me to be Strong and unbroken
But as the patched up pieces barely hold on to each other
The child within me cries for her mother

I am never the same person twice, different from who I was yesterday
I've made a habit of breaking and rebuilding numerous times

So do not worry about returning the pieces you've taken

Like cells slowly replacing every inch of my skin
There will be parts of me you would have never been

I want a lazy kind of love
Too early to acknowledge the sun peeking through the window blinds
Too comfortable to disentangle arms and legs and sheets between us
Just enough warmth to forget all the plans we've made for the day
And that lazy smile resting on your face saying good morning everyday

Here in the city under these bright urban lights
I hear people calling their dreams to come alive
Out there where scrapers tend to touch the sky
I'd give anything for that one angel's smile

Somewhere in the world, someone's gazing at the stars
Another stranger is sitting alone in the corner of a bar
Out there where possibilities come in endless strings
Somebody's wondering what tomorrow will bring

Facing the endless sea towards the waking of dawn
A new life opens as the past comes undone
On the other side, twilight collects the remains of the day
Memories are fading and sands are washed away

I will not tell you to stop being sad or that there is no need to worry because you and I know that depression and anxiety don't work that way. Telling someone to stop being sad is like telling someone with OCD to stop locking the door 36 times or telling someone with asthma to "just breathe". Pure and utter *******. So instead, I will tell you to cry, cry until you've created an ocean of the abyss that lives within you. Wallow in self pity, swim with your sadness and dive in all that negativity. Just keep in mind that what I'm telling you is to swim, not sink. Keep swimming, swim as far as you can, swim until your body aches with fatigue, until your muscles cramp or until you get sick of the water. Then when you've decided you've had enough, comeback to the shore and there I'll be waiting.  Once we've dried you off, I will rebuild you with donuts and icecream.

Little girl, young and afraid
The world on your shoulders will be heavily weighed
People will be cruel and life unjust
They will teach you to grow up with deceit and distrust
But little girl, listen carefully to me
There is so much more out there if you make it to be
Happiness is a choice and love is something you share
Do not let them take away your ability to care
So little girl, young and afraid
Be brave
Become kindness instead

fill me with  your soul
spill unto me every thought
every sickness  of the heart
one by one
we'll take them apart
and piece by  piece
we'll rebuild you whole

My father has a quiet strength
so quiet
that you forget it's even there
so quiet
that I mistake it for silence
Silence in the midst
of my brother's threats
Silence made louder
by my mother's own voice
Loud, opinionated,
well-meaning, hurtful
My mother speaks too many words
All at once
Without pauses in between
to let anyone else in
No spaces left to tell
your side of the story
Forcing you towards conclusions,
leaving you gasping
My sister,
she wears her heart on her sleeve
Honest, flawed,
every piece meant to be adored
And she shines a little too bright
And hurts a little too much
She is a lot like our mother
and like her,  
hurts without meaning to
My brother on the other end,
is a lot like me
Putting up walls
in places that do not need them
Thinking that the world rejects,
when we are the ones
that refuse to let it in
The part of me that finds familiarity
symphatizes and despises him both
And I,
selfish and lonely,
continues to break for him
For them
For me

I wish to be the heart break
behind your eyes
the words
to every sad love song on the radio
the quiet melancholy
that wakes you every morning
the raindrops
that hit your window

I wish to be the sorrow
you carry with every step
the bitter taste
that lingers on your tongue
the sighs
that haunt the spaces of your day
the last regret you'll hang upon