I’m so, so, so, sorry.*
I tried.
I tried to save them.
But once they had their minds made up….
It was like trying to change someone’s mind
Once they were already in a freefall.
Who says we live and we learn like it’s a fact of life?
If it was a fact of life, they’d still be here.
Don’t you dare try to give me that *******.
It is true, however, the phrase *life isn’t fair.
No, it’s not.
How is it fair that they’re both dead and I’m still here?
How is it fair that I was the last person they spoke to?
How is it fair that each of their dying wishes was for me to save the other?
How is that fair, tell me!
I once told him it’s okay not to know everything,
But this is ridiculous!
I just don’t know anymore.
I just don’t know.
Neither did they.
And look where they are.

Dear *******,
How dare you call me an attention *****?
How dare you tell me you understand?
Tell me,
Do you know what it’s like to look at your reflection,
And turn the other way, ashamed?
Do you know what it’s like,
To know you’re you,
Down to the last hair,
And hate yourself for it?
To stare at yourself, to look into your own eyes, to try to convince yourself that it’s fine, but in actuality it’s a cover that you’ve learned to wear everywhere, that you’ve learned to love, because when you’re in it nobody knows?
Do you know what it’s like to walk everywhere, terrified, because you feel people looking at you like you have a giant sign that reads “DEPRESSED ANXIETY FAT UGLY NEVER ENOUGH SO KEEP WALKING”?
Tell me, do you know what it’s like to look in the mirror, force upon your face a smile, knowing it’s a mask that’s been permanently glued to you by your own tears that could never show?
No, you don’t know what it’s like to wipe away your smudged makeup that you’ve worked so ******* to cover up your tearstained eyes, your cuts.
To apply a new coat, to paint on a smile that’s only real in dreams.
You know, they say dreams come true but forget that nightmares are dreams too.
They tell you the monsters are under your bed when they actually scream in your head.
You don’t know what it’s like to feel lonely in a crowd, to know you’re not wanted.
To hold and rock yourself because there’s no one else to.
To realize that you’re all you have and doing your best to hide anyway,
Do you know what it’s like to want to die?
No.
You don’t and you never will.
But I do.
You don’t know me, or what I’ve been through.
So don’t ******* judge me for it.
Sincerely,
Me

New year.
New heartbreaks.
New surprises.
New mistakes.
New disappointments.
New feelings.
New horrors.
New people.
New poems.

Love.
A hope so Naïve it is commonly perceived
As fiction
How cool would it be to be,
The fictional characters we see
In books and movies-
Always a happy ending, no wasting or even spending any time on the negative thoughts.
But that’s not real.
In the real world, people **** and lie
Saying things we can deny but never do;
“You’re fat”
“You’re ugly”
Soon we forget what’s real and what’s fake,
We confuse incompetence with our own miserable fate,
How will I end up?
I give advice but never know what to do,
I hope and I pray but know it’s never going to be the same
Or be okay,
Time goes by, conjuring up conversations in my head,
Regretting things that were never said….Should I have said something?
Some people think life is a game.
Others spend their whole lives trying to find who’s to blame,
But never take any responsibility for the mistakes they have made,
Spending lonely nights behind closed doors
Meaningless flower petals litter the floor as you ask yourself,
Does he love me?
Of course not
Does she love me?
Does he love me?
Am I loved?
Questions so frequently asked,
The true meaning of love sits in the past,
Thrown into the air
As if nobody cares
That it’s gone…

~Julianna W.