This whole year,
I spent it being scared.
This whole year,
I did nothing but compare.
This whole year,
I tried too hard
This whole year,
the real me became slowly charred.
This whole year,
I could never measure up.
This whole year,
I told my self I was a *****-up
This whole year,
I was caught
This whole year,
I worried too much about what they thought.
So this next year,
I'm going to love the crap out of myself.

Cheers!
To the moments I spent alone
Cheers!
To the times I laughed in your home
Cheers!
To the times I spent with you
Cheers!
to the times you were there when I was blue
Cheers!
To the time I climbed the watch tower
Cheers!
To the time when we picked flowers
Cheers!
To the late night bench talks
Cheers!
To the haters who tryed to mock
Cheers!
To the times I cried myself to sleep
Cheers!
To the memories that I get to keep
Cheers!
To when you stuck with me during their fight
Cheers!
For him showing me the light
Cheers!
To the fun i've had

And cheers!
To the fun that's yet to come.

Then I see your face
and everything starts to change
again

And when he does not love me anymore,
I will build him
one last altar,
and decide to burn it to the ground.

But will only get as far
as lighting the match.

Thinking about how he used matches
for something.
Sometime.
Probably.

I'll brush my teeth,
thinking of the gaps between his.
How really,
it's a great metaphor for the distance between out hearts
or something stupid like that.

But in the end,
it's not a metaphor,
or an analogy.
They're just teeth.
(That could never quite come together
kind of like us)

I will crawl into bed
imagining an alternate universe
in which we have started a life together.
One where I wake up and reach across the bed for him.
Get the kids ready for school,
which is funny
because in this universe I never wanted children,
but in that universe,
we created something out of nothing.
Something with his eyes,
and my nose.
A manifestation of the love between two people.
Proof that it happened.
That is was real.
And it was resilient enough to breathe life into a world
that only offered it death.

In that universe,
our hair turns as silver
as our wedding rings.
And each wrinkle,
is a space where our skin just wanted
to hold the other person even closer.


But here
in this harsh reality,
time only pulls us apart.
And we will likely grow gray
with other people now.

In this universe,
I learn to say goodbye
to him.


I will build him
a library of poems.

And decide to burn it to the ground.

You are mine, through and through
If only because I want you.
I'm prepared to outline, no hints or clues,
Everything I want to do.

I can't have you though if I don't have it all
I won't keep you though if I can't make you fall
Won't crave you if you aren't in for the long haul
I'm not asking you to kneel, I'm demanding that you crawl.

If you are thinking why are those not thoughts I know
If you are breathing why is your breath not what my lungs blow
If your heart is beating why is that pulse not under my ribs
If you are living why is that life not the one I live?

Undo the stitches of every atom that makes up your skin
Give me your strings and pieces and I'll make you new again.
Let me create you from dust, and water; bring you into being with love
Let me craft you as I want you; all I need is your trust.


And then you will be mine, the way you already are.
And then I will give an inch, will allow us to start.
You will be mine, the way I want you to be.
I will have all of you. You will have some of me.