though i yearn to be near you,
though your smile makes me excited.
though your eyes are all i dream about.
my love is unrequited.
-
that’s just how it’s meant to be.
you knew what you meant to me.
i handled you, gently.
but you seem to resent me.
-
guess im laying in a bed that i made.
i despised the reprise of these days.
you know where im coming from,
go easy on me.
it is karma, she has always won.
she is all i can see.
walk a mile on my feet,
bet you’ll find what you seek.
everyone can have their fun,
just not me.
-
i am the bad guy.
i cry a sad cry.
say i always play the victim.
**** i sure know how to pick ‘em.

....and the moment i saw you i knew you were trouble..
the way your eyes held so many different emotions
a devil in disguise

did i really let my guard down?
did i really?
held my breathe and dived into my feelings for you.
no regrets
    n
             o
                       n
                                e.

for a moment i hated the thought of what could happen..
but then you smiled at me
and...
well, i lost all control over my being
                         loving you recklessly..

no what if's, buts, or maybe's!
no why's or regrets
the moment i fell for you even though i was unsure if you felt the same way..
i was fine with it, baby is that okay?

i mean... you..
you're so perfect in your being
my soul is in love with you
in love with what we could be..
in love with the very thought of you loving me back
.. **can you?

update

been falling asleep to the sounds of you,
mocking me.
& every time you say you’re gone,
i hope for good.
from September of 17
to new beginnings in 19;
from raging enemies,
to dreams of all that could.
-
like all of our personalities had split personalities,
inconsistency played big reality.
& im always crushed when you leave.
the first few days are a breeze
then all my old wounds start to bleed.
i can’t control my breathing,
i am never at ease with you
and yet i always want to see you through.
and yet ill always wish the best for you.
-

it’s like my feelings are a game
& my heart is the main entrance to the place where you go to get your rocks off.
then leave when you become bored.
we won’t see you for several days or even several months
until one day you come strolling in with your perfect essence & words of affection.
carelessly flinging around emotions and seeking amusement through my misery.
you’re no different.

no ill intentions,
just the prevention of aggression.
my first impression,
want your affection.
i need attention.
-
i need protection,
from the drama that’s here in every direction.
mis-placed perception,
never pictured myself falling in deception.
-

fear..
it has taken the place of the faith i once had.
it is making a brutal entrance, like salt in my wounds..
i thought i was healed.
forgiveness & the idea of unconditional love;
they had became apart of me.
i tried to be different!
i tried to embrace the respite from my bitterness
but fear came back
& it swallowed me..
everything i thought i had permanently gained showed itself to be temporary.
-----
see, fear is a battle i can’t seem to win
& everytime i think ive gained a 1up it returns to give me hell!!
i am fearful, longing to be fearless.
i am fire, but can my fire out-live the fear?

i am from the place of the stars and the moon.
where planets,
they bloom like a flower.
i am far away,
still i feel so at home.
awaiting a count down to my final hour.
i won’t be here,
in a light year.
but ill leave a memory,
oh so faint.
you’ll see sparks of certain memories that you may have never seen.
questioning reality
or a lucid dream.

you want more than you can give,
i can give it to you.
i am more than a mistake or a whatever to you.
i have more than what it takes,
i am higher than the stakes.
i am all that you imagine me being.
when you close your eyes im all that you’re seeing.
-
i told you lies,
i crushed your heart.
i did these things,
tore us apart.
manipulation is my art,
i was deceiving from the start.
-
but no one sees what’s really there until the view is clear.
you’ll never understand my version,
i don’t know what’s fair.
you’re afraid that you’ll get played.
makes me wonder why you stayed.
makes me wonder if i ever meant anything.

i am open.
on the surface.
i hide my feelings on purpose.
people say that im heartless,
i say that im hardened to hurt less.
i do not fear a broken heart,
those are battles i have conquered.
i seek the solace and comfort.
i am open.

i leave hints
with a stench of possibility,
& i can destroy the world
yet still be filled on humility.
a gentle balance
of
madness
&
misconstrued sadness.
im always writing about me.

you are a star,
one of many but your light stands apart.
you hold a beauty that this world has never seen.
you are the love that heals & mends the broken heart.
for every nightmare,
you are the sweetest dream.
the most fearless of fairies,
a balance of darkness and light.
you are a mixture of the seasons,
the most mystical sight.
you are essential to existence,
so divine,
so convincing.
a challenging goddess of the wise.
i see the fate of the world in your eyes.
you are destiny,
here in disguise.

i found strength where i once saw only weakness.
i found the words to say while everyone stayed speechless.
i stood abrasive in my fears,
i shed like one too many tears
but in the end i am stronger than before.
see, with or without you
i live on.
all of my willingness
to be in the mix
is gone.
i will not die without you here!
i am self-made
remember, dear?
i am not chasing what i possess within myself.

beautiful pearly skin,
a head full of hair
with strands that dance to the beat of the waves.
stature equipped with light movements so swift,
i have not seen but i can tell your eyes are true.
out of the blue,
visiting shores
you reappear.
a simple peek,
dive in the deep
then disappear.
where did you go?
it seems like you were never here.

i treat people accordingly.
the ones i love are bored with me.
my love is not enough.
my love, that must be tough.
-
when i can no longer do
then i am useless.
yes, it’s true.
i am disposable,
yet convenient,
like a tissue.
-
but don’t you come up in my space.
i will dismiss you,
life goes beyond,
so i will live without or with you.

made a mess of self-expression,
turned softness to aggression.
missed all the healing sessions,
now nothing's left to question..
-
pretty bird,
can you fly again?
pretty bird,
you are one with the wind.
you hit the window,
once or twice.
seeking distance,
higher heights.
you're so pretty when you cry,
you're so pretty when you fly.

two minute series speaking volume,
sharing hints when i am cynical.
yours words always seem viable,
they take control of my mental.
you know she knows
that’s why you’re quick to question loyalty.
you know she knows that you’re not fit to prove your loyalty.
i am the catch
& if you disagree
you’re dismissed
you see,
i **** egos,
make them none to exist.

imagine being trapped behind walls...
ones that promise to let you free
if you’d just wait & see.
you know the only way out is in
& the only way in is to sin
by questioning your god.
-
the god whom sits upon the throne with his feet up.
he may just answer,
if you call then signal forces might just meet up
at the towers where they bounce off
like back-boards,
through mother boards
& other boards like god has meetings with his team of advisors.
-
they advised him not to speak without a lawyer present,
speaking of present,
here we are
& apparently the only answer to your calls is
some noise up in your head,
that strangely sounds just like you,
& the box just became weird...

inherit mystical powers.
a small town girl,
with special magical powers
to heal the world.
a simple bow to the moon,
a tricky wave of a wand.
abrasive strength in her eyes,
one word &
sorrow is gone.
no poverty,
not a trace.
no crime,
no separate race.
for everyone there’s a place.
abundant love,
there’s no hate.
what a world.

no need to prove your worth to the weak that cannot comprehend.
there’s no need to put up a wall,
there’s no need to pretend.
stand boldly in your truth,
stand strong and raise hell.
don’t you cry out for help.
don’t lose yourself.
-
don’t allow a love so shallow to try to drown you.
watch the people that are fake,
they’re all around you.
only the depth is profound,
a love that cannot be found.
it’s higher, in a new dimension,
i’ve been searching the ground.
-
if true love is what you seek,
you’ll find it at your lowest peak.
because those that love you when you’re weak,
are the ones you’ll want to keep.

i do not see a sober day,
i cannot see what’s in my way.
i am on 10,
im out of space.
im not okay.
-
drugs drugs drugs
replace the feeling of needing to be
loved loved loved.
it is embarrassing to say i need a
hug hug hug
but im okay.
i don’t need anyone.

i have days i am blank.
i have days all i do is write.

are you even here?
were you ever here?
are you even clearing space?
where is this race taking you?
what words disrupt?
which words stand up hairs,
come in pairs?
free flow,
with no cares or no worries.

dont you open up your mouth.
dont you open up your mind.
dont you search for any answers,
dont you fear what you might find?
arent you afraid of looking crazy
or stepping out of the norm?
youre in a box,
youre in a cage and you have always been warned
to watch your mouth and watch your actions.
senseless movements and distractions in your view
to keep you from truth,
the true forbidden fruit.

here's an ode to midnight drains and
dreams suffocated by pointless comparison
amongst rare forms of being.
in a world of misfits,
comparison steals all joy.
-
in a world of misfits,
who cares if only 1% can relate to the comprehension of
dark & light,
as whole.
who cares when soul outweighs modern roles
played by vamps,
getting hype while you drain.
-
i take hype in doses,
to help me to 'loosen up' at pity parties
where i'd dance if 3D grounds were stable.
but my energy, is it dead?
is it still dying
as i continue to realize my own sense of aliveness?

hope is becoming unreasonable,
or atleast the way it is perceived.
-
like using hope as a crutch to stay wading in the waters
while tuned in to outside sources
then asking “what do i do?”...
it is only you who can respond with accuracy to self-query.
-
align hope with imagination
& pretend play.
use the energy to guide you like a sensei.
wei wu wei til source say go,
then level-up,
still take it slow
still stay aware of total-body,
you are here.

the world is different in my head,
the war is here,
the blood has shed.
no smiles and warm feelings,
no frolicking in fields.
the darkness has taken over,
it is stronger than it seems.
but i let it..
because the light gives too much credit.
i am imperfect, i don’t regret it.
yes, i said it.

most of us are fighting wars within ourselves;
& we project them onto people that are sent to be of help.
most of us are too busy,
most of us are too linear in the way we are living.
most of us want to love
but aren’t prone to forgiving.
most of us are full of pride,
most of us just run & hide.
most of us,
we know the truth
but we stay comfortable in lies.
most of us are everything that we despise.

this is not the time
or the place.
i am out of time,
its a race
for sanity.
essence depicting vanity
but you are fake.
a being misplaced in a room full of open locks
and broken clocks.
searching for your place
and kicking rocks.
bare-feeted,
so the earth fuels you up
but you never notice.
you are so out of touch.
you are chasing everything that you already are;
so close but were you really that far?

journal pages have no desire to debate,
so we relate
& resonate.
-
i contemplate before i seal,
i get to 'feel out' how i feel
& set the vibes
that bring reality alive.
-
so, like i think before i speak,
i write.

like beaches flow into river sides,
you can follow me anytime.
like masculine & feminine join ties
to conquer time
& cover tracks,
mixed up in lines of no shame.
=
eternal interplay,
at this stage of the game.
what's waiting for us?
how much time do we have?
is this just for now
or forever?
=
use words to empower,
go up hill & seek stillness,
everyday.
its apart of the journey.

seeking escape from a world
that thrives on my pain.
main focus is a focus
that drives me insane.
i can’t be still,
my mind is anxious,
my soul is erupting.
the most illogical of impulse
making something of nothing.
-
i only exist inside,
where i never have to hide.
i’m never running from my actions,
never cancelling my pride.
resisting all that works against me,
no borders
or no fencing,
no offensive use of power can control.
no being similar,
persona young or old.
a living proof of distant energy,
words circulate the remedy
for all that can restart a dying peace.

high energy flows,
i flow with it.
& where the energy goes,
i go with it.
im prolific,
im emitting light waves
and vibrations.
channeling the forces;
pure feels and
libations.
-
i'm the original,
celestial energy
individual.

you will forever hold the memories of you and me.
my presence,
in you,
will live on.
you’ll look back on these days,
and you will see
what was true.
you’ll miss me
when im gone.