im so willing,
i know that i am able
to accomplish anything.
i am so stable.
im never tripping on the things that keep attention these days.
my only focus is directed,
only focus on ways that keep me balanced.
my mystery is talent.
my magical ability is coming from the inner-me.
no condecendant enemy can overthrow my entity.
not fearless,
not in worry.
not doubting,
in my glory.
im here to tell the story of a queendom fall from grace.
dismissing every ego,
putting truth back in its place.
my presence is an impulse,
no common threats or insults.
keep your envy away.

i know myself to be weak yet i am still so strong.
i know myself to be violent, but i am still so soft.
i know myself to be creative, yet i am always bored.
so understanding yet i lack understanding...

i can remember every moment, every detail and yet, sometimes i misplace my thoughts and i start to forget.
one day my mind is at a pace that i always regret and then i’m numb to every feeling.
one day i search for healing..
one day i care, one day i can care less.
one day i soak in solitude, and silence gives its best.
one day i seek attention, can i keep your attention? i’m caught up re-inventing, creators best invention ..
it’s me!
i am a balance between what you do not want & all that you need.
you’ll find solace in my madness, i promise you’ll be glad though you’ll wish you never had that encounter with me.
don’t keep your distance, i am distant.
love me despite my high-resistance.
you’ll find your happiness consistent & your fears are non-existent.
they don’t exist with me.
we’ll chase some positive vibes,
& co-exist.
indeed, i want a love that loves me clumsy,
a love to rub up on me,
your manner rub off on me.
no matter what, you’ll love me?
❤️

hope is becoming unreasonable,
or atleast the way it is perceived.
-
like using hope as a crutch to stay wading in the waters
while tuned in to outside sources
then asking “what do i do?”...
it is only you who can respond with accuracy to self-query.
-
align hope with imagination
& pretend play.
use the energy to guide you like a sensei.
wei wu wei til source say go,
then level-up,
still take it slow
still stay aware of total-body,
you are here.

so confident in your incompetence.
embodying the most flawed,
inconsistent
form of existence
& you wear it so well like a second spine only fitting for you.
you are a perfect balance of
unyielding strength
& undefined weakness,
a mixture of beauty derived straight from the avengeful cosmos
& the
ugliness that settles the depth of the abyss.
you are clumsy &
you make a mess of everything you come in contact with
still
you are genuine in all of your oddness.
you make it clear that perfection is illusive,
holding your crown of thornes so proudly
that you make it easier to live.

no envy,
no anguish,
no hard feelings;
ill give you space.
how am i supposed to understand how you feel
when you don’t say?
not a reader of minds,
i am not superhuman.
you need me
but im dying,
beautiful ruins.

are you even here?
were you ever here?
are you even clearing space?
where is this race taking you?
what words disrupt?
which words stand up hairs,
come in pairs?
free flow,
with no cares or no worries.

we expand and procreate,
we the gods.
abode in self,
abide by universal laws.
wearing crystals not crosses,
by the power,
no losses.
i am one with the forces.

whisper in my ear.
tell me the things i like to hear.
tell me all the things you’ve never said before.
say that you’re ok with me being this way,
say that you accept me as i am.
-
cause im not changing,
im only ranging .
i am who i am.
you are who you are,
and im not judging.
so love me with your all or love me nothing.
love me when i fall,
& when im bluffing.
would you still love me if i didn’t know how to love you?
or would your clouded judgement block the window of a good view?
would you love me if i lied?
will you still love me when i cry?
or would you give up..say goodbye?
i tried.

silently fighting the demons from my past,
a constant fight in my mind,
a battle i can’t outlast.
it’s so amusing how hurt can hurt for so long.
how it has proven me weak,
even when i feel strong.

here's an ode to midnight drains and
dreams suffocated by pointless comparison
amongst rare forms of being.
in a world of misfits,
comparison steals all joy.
-
in a world of misfits,
who cares if only 1% can relate to the comprehension of
dark & light,
as whole.
who cares when soul outweighs modern roles
played by vamps,
getting hype while you drain.
-
i take hype in doses,
to help me to 'loosen up' at pity parties
where i'd dance if 3D grounds were stable.
but my energy, is it dead?
is it still dying
as i continue to realize my own sense of aliveness?

i see no flaws but my own.
im running wild,
i need a home.
-
so i roam
free and frantic
no romance,
im not romantic.
-
no holding hands,
there’s only rants here.
oh & a listening ear.
-
there’s only fear of what could be,
all focus on what cant.
my mind is learning patience,
while my soul just wants to dance.
-
still i draw no lines,
only rhymes,
only siglis and signs.
i stay behind,
not keeping time.
i see and know,
the all is mind.
so keep your mind right...
-
im either searching future or
running through my past life.
im living but
i think that i am on my last life.
i think im moving pass life
here in the physical.
the only thoughts im having are unclear and residual.
-
i need a new scene,
new name.
new theme,
im drained...

like,
your energy mixed with mine
was fine..
two beings,
divine and
connected at the source.
but of course,
its just an action,
or
a physical attraction,
right?
-
he's a god and im a goddess,
we make magic.
still he sees only the half,
although that's tragic.
i get it..
i won't seek praise,
i won't seek credit
but what i also won't do
is exchange with you..
while you explore the third dimension,
hindering ascension,
im focused on prevention,
a plan and
control.
ill play my role,
ill stay behind,
ill be the one here to remind you
"be careful what you seek and where sleep.
be careful who you give access to the power that you hold,
be careful not to let a misconception taint your soul."

face your judgement,
you’re in question.
run for cover,
seek protection if you want
but this is destined.
-
wash us clean,
wipe away all signs of weakness.
-
its on purpose that you are here,
placing all in account.
no matter where you run and hide,
no matter age or amount.
-
who dare fall back into old ways of being?

as far as contentment goes,
im losing sight.
im going mad,
ensuring everything is right.
and what is right?
right?
-
see, its a battle of the
ego vs self...
-
ego wants the linear,
self wants the lesser.
ego wants a challenge,
ego folds when under pressure.
self wants ascension,
minimal attention.
self wants what's pure.
and the ego wants what's sure.
-
self says to "be still"
while the ego says "compete",
if they cant work together,
will i ever be complete?
-
but,
in the end,
it works out.
in the end they work together,
in harmony and balance.
now as one,
they live forever.

i speak my fate,
affirm my truth
and place my trust within you.
you charge me up,
you feed me love,
you bring my destiny too.
wether full or new,
waxing or wane;
you smile down at my ritual,
you bless me with gain.
you keep me company,
you know all of my secrets.
you let me fall apart
then gather all my pieces.

oddly enough,
i am oddly out of touch with this world.
i am weak & i am stuck in a whirl.
it’s love i seek,
but hate i find.
the raging anger makes me blind.
i am so lost and out of time.
-
they say do good and good comes back,
& ive been good yet still i lack.
maybe i should forget it all.
no one is here, no one to call,
to pick me up on days i fall.
im not enough.
-

everyday a new beginning,
clean slate.
a new direction,
a new chance to re-create.
to re-focus,
re-direct.
bring the growth back in effect.
re-consider
and protect,
re-claim grace.

journal pages have no desire to debate,
so we relate
& resonate.
-
i contemplate before i seal,
i get to 'feel out' how i feel
& set the vibes
that bring reality alive.
-
so, like i think before i speak,
i write.

like the scars from the cuts to my wrists with razor blades, the deciders of my fate, these emotions are faint.. but still here.

as i plant my seeds of promise, my journey has just begun.
with blessings over flowing in years and years to come.
though they are only waiting, what’s waiting will be found;
so bask in the glory,
enjoy what’s here and now

like beaches flow into river sides,
you can follow me anytime.
like masculine & feminine join ties
to conquer time
& cover tracks,
mixed up in lines of no shame.
=
eternal interplay,
at this stage of the game.
what's waiting for us?
how much time do we have?
is this just for now
or forever?
=
use words to empower,
go up hill & seek stillness,
everyday.
its apart of the journey.

you.
like an inconsistent phase.
you either love me timelessly
or leave me aching for days.

you see me
stop,
and stare.
to none you can compare.
its like im barely there,
but im there…
-
you know...
misfit,
barely seen.
by choice,
not with the scene.
ill free your mind,
lets chase some dreams.
a race through time,
not what it seems to be.
with no desire
but to free
the self
from all ties in the low.
on the low
im getting by,
im moving slow.
im tryna grow...

too much of this,
not enough of that.
too much focus
on what you lack.
face what you fear,
don’t turn your back.
be still,
when enemies attack.
-
this is a new era.
maybe if you knew better,
you would do better.
-
it’s all the same.
be careful of the things you say
& what you entertain.
perception makes the sane,
seemingly insane.
a quiet storm,
before it turns into a hurricane.
rarely see a rainbow in the sky
after the rain.
-
it makes you think.
when you connect the dots,
you’ll find that you’re the missing link.
make your next move in a silence
or your ship will surely sink.
true elevation is my destiny
& i am at the brink.




-

from the concrete, i grew.. a rose, more thorns than petals.
withering & dull.

growing has been deceptive.
i stopped cutting my wrists and my thighs, i stopped drowning myself in depressing music to cope with depressing thoughts. no longer walking with my head down, no longer crying myself to sleep each night; pillows smothering cries that are loud in the most silent way possible.
to the days *** & intimacy were ways to cope with issues deeper than me.
where being invisible was the only thing i dreamt of.
the desire to just fall off of the face of the earth, to disappear into my darkness and no longer feel anything. i was happier than i ever even realized.

now, i bottle things up. i DEAL..
i don't cry, i don't cut, i deal.
i put a smile on my face and keep my head high, i am the imperfectly painted image that could define the word strong.
i speak positivity, i breathe, i meditate and i know how to channel better energies.. but i am still numb.
though i seem strong, i am still weak! weak because i shut down! i let situations make me cold and hard.. no longer soft and sweet, i no longer feel anything so how does happiness get to play its role in my life?
whatever happens to me, i take and i make situations that should destroy me look like child's play.
there is fire beneath my skin and i am unintentionally still broken.
ive made peace with the parts of me that tell me to give in and that i need someone.
i cant give in.. and i don't need nobody.. nobody needs me
but, i need someone?
being strong is lonely.
being lonely makes me feel weak.
too dependent on myself... "i cannot depend on nobody" so i don't need nobody.
too afraid to let them near me, i would rather be alone than to return to my brokenness. i choose me. i choose lonely over the bittersweet feeling of having someone, because you never really have someone like you wish you did... but i need somebody?

alone with myself, alone with my thoughts..
mind racing because im infatuated with the idea of perfection and control. the only form of perfection i need is the perfect way to get over myself and let go.
i think too much because i am too alone with me.
i don't give anyone the chance to be alone with me because i am busy being alone with myself.
can someone handle all that comes with me? how will i know when the only interaction i have with people consists of me realizing how incapable they are of ever having me on the levels i want to give myself..
i love me. and i know you love me too.. but i love me way more than you.

its like all words turn to tear drops
in attempt
to introduce shallow to depth.
my excuse is deep sadness,
what's yours?
-
since my contributions are unsteady like the grounds i walk,
id rather not give nor take.