i used to do it for the attention
the likes
the retweets
the comments
on my pictures
on my tweets
on my statuses
on me
they made me feel validated
safe
secure
accepted
“you are good” my brain translated
“they like you” it went ?on, “that’s good"
they made me feel like i
belonged
somewhere
until they didn’t.
until i felt
numb
in the head
the words didn’t mean anything
the attention wasn’t enough
until i
couldn’t look myself in the mirror
without hating who i was
who i
became?
who i
who i
who i
who am i?
who
am
i?
and so i was forced to realize
forced — for if i didn’t, i may have died
i forced myself
to stop
i forced myself
to come to the conclusion
other people’s words did not matter
they did not matter
for if i let them matter
then i may have broken
to the point
that i could not put myself back together
“they matter” my brain told me.
“no, they do not.” said my mouth. “they do not matter.”
“yes they do.”
“no they don’t.”
“they— ?”
“— don’t.”
“but — “
“they don’t.”
“th— “
“”they don’t matter.”
“you don’t believe— “
“whether or not i believe, they still do not matter.”
“they won’t accept you.”
“they don’t have to.”
“they won’t love you.”
“but i will."
“but — “
“they,” i said
to the ‘me’ in the mirror
slowly
surely
determinedly
“do not matter."
they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter
for the only one that mattered
the only opinion that mattered
the only validation that mattered
was mine.
— not like i don’t enjoy the attention, still. i do. but there’s no point to it if i don’t like it -- if i don't like /me/, is there?