I'd like to be lovely to you, again
I'd like to matter to you again
I'd really like to receive flirty texts from you again
I'd really like to be the girl you tell your friends about again
But you've changed
And I hate your friends
I'm no lovely, you were lying
And as pretty as the lie was, I'm done with your lies
The truth is, I never really mattered to you
Girls don't matter to you, you play us like we can't be hurt
I don't even want to matter to you, because you're messed up dude
You're a liar, and a cheater, and faker, and an *******
You are fake sorry, fake understanding, fake trustworthy, fake caring,
You are fake.
I don't need your ****
I have enough of my own
I really believe, by the end of this year, I can be happy again
Like I was two years ago
And the only real way for me to achieve that
Is to not get mixed up with you again.
I'm not tangling my emotions in your words
The truth is
I WILL NEVER BE HER
So don't waste my time
Stop texting me
Stop telling me you're sorry, you're lying
Stop pretending you knew me
And stop believing me when I say I'm fine
Goodbye.
Just know, I don't have a particularly high opinion of myself
But that being said,
even though I'll never be her
*She will never be me

It's like why I wake up early. Then you can justify to yourself why you are feelings so lonely. Obviously, since no one else is up, it makes sense you feel lonely, but when you are around people and you still feel lonely, that's when you feel most alone, because it doesn't make sense.

If I'm cold, I can justify to myself the reason I feel that way. I'm not wearing a jacket in the winter, clearly it makes sense that I'm cold. Then, if I feel cold inside even though I'm wearing a thick jacket, I feel even colder than before and can't understand why I feel so cold inside.

I'm going out for a bit
No, just up the hill
I won't be long
Don't worry
I know it's dark out, but I'll be okay
I can see the house from there

Of course what I mean is

I need a break from my family
No, I'm just going somewhere quiet and dark
I'll take as long as I need
Leave me alone
Yeah, of course it's dark, that's why I like it. Just shut up and let me be
I'm not even far away, you're overreacting!

Six missed calls, but I have my earbuds in and my music blasting
The same song on repeat
I came to write poetry, maybe some song lyrics
This is the pen I stole from the library
I scribble with it but the stupid thing won't write
It's freaking Broken
Now I know how He felt
He stole my freaking heart just to find out that it was already Broken
I hate being Broken
All I wanted was to come here and write
But I get lost in the tune
I finish drinking my sugarless chai tea that I brought with me
Every time I tip my head back to take a sip, I see the stars better
Forget writing, for just half an hour
Forget life
Forget school, and work, and deadlines and everything
Just forget it all
Let it go
Look at the beautiful stars
Pulling up my knee high boots
I get over my paranoia of being watched, or stalked
Nobody is hiding behind the tree or in the shadows, waiting to pounce
No one is going to attack me while I'm sitting on this bench in the darkness in the late evening
I'll be fine
I watch the winter frost along the tips of the grass sparkle and shimmer
The stars are so magnificent
I put the same song on repeat
A song that doesn't tell a clear story, but I can relate to any situation
I've listened to it since elementary school
And here I am years and years later
It is still saving me from myself
I am feeling broken and hollow
I hate myself, I hate life, I hate hating my face, I hate feeling so worthless
But forget that for a minute
I stop checking the time and I ignore the strange looks I get from the residents in the windows of the houses surrounding this little park area watching me and wondering why I'm out here so late all alone
I'm ugly, I'm cold, I'm stupid, I'm a waste of space
I don't deserve life
I don't deserve to talk to anyone
I don't deserve to annoy anyone with my existence
I don't deserve respect, or love, or loyalty or happiness
I think this daily.
I feel bad about freaking cars having to go to the trouble of stopping for me even when I have right of way at a crosswalk
But I have on my black comfy leggings
My black tank top,
My black slouchy cardigan
My black knit tuque
My lips are still slightly stained a faded red from this morning
My eyes are heavily outlined in black
The black is comfy for me
It makes me feel safer
I blend in with the night
I feel happier when I put all the black I have inside, on the outside instead
It's always better to externalize the darkness
Somehow, even though it looks pretty depressing, it helps
I stand up and begin pacing
I turn up the music and inhale, deeply
The winter air bites at my lungs, stinging my skin with its bitter icy fingertips
I let the cold seep into my breathing
To freeze all that burning self-loathing
I force a smile on my face
Somehow, in this dim starlight
I can see Peace so much better than in the sunlight
I breathe so deeply in until I can't intake anymore air
My lungs are at their limit
The smile I'm forcing stops being forced as the winter air and the music's melody washes away all those horrible Broken feelings
A strange feeling overtakes me as I wander around, pacing in spirals with my head tipped upwards, my eyes dancing along the constellations and the shining moon
Maybe the moon isn't whole tonight, but it still shines bright
Maybe I'm not whole, but that doesn't mean I can't shine bright
My phone is ringing, but forget that.
I can't stop smiling, I'm walking around in curvy lines my eyes staring up in wonder, my arms slightly spread
I'm happy
Oh my gosh, I'm happy
I almost laugh, I can't believe the burden is lifted.
The car pulls up, and I realize I've been gone longer than I meant
They've been searching for me.
They're angry, but I'm inexplicably happy
I smile and nod, then saunter home, my music still playing
The Happy feeling doesn't linger too long, but even when it fades out,
For the rest of the night
I'm left in a neutral state
Not *my neutral state, which is just sadness,
But a happy person's neutral state
Truly not unhappy
Peace.
That's all I wanted.
And I got it, tonight.

I have been told by four different people that I'm not really trying to get better, that I'm just wallowing in this sorrow and letting it swallow me, like bleach, but from you, I think was the worst. No, no it wasn't, the worst was the first time, from the first boy I ever kissed, I remember how sweetly he said it, "I just think you let it get the best of you sometimes," and how I exploded, and so I was prepared when you said it, had been through this fight before, had a witty retort prepared for every "well if you just did this you could fix it" you threw at me, I have years of experience in defending my sadness. So when you told me that if I have lived this long just so I won't break any more hearts than I have to then I should just keep going, and I said "Good night", understand that I only left because that poses a question that I have not been brave enough to answer yet, that I know to you it makes perfect sense but there are days when the only thing that keeps me going is the promise that I will eventually die, and when you try to push that back, try to tell me that it will not happen as soon as I have been promising myself, I lose hope. So yes, you made some valid points, and yes, I probably could be working a little harder, and, yes, I am still mad at you. You're an *******. Good night.

Ember Evanesent

She is a true poet who can do outstanding penmanship in any style of poem from rhyming limerick to emotional free verse. Only Ember doesn't just write she lives, she pours her heart and soul into her work and writes every emotion. This is courage because it takes bravery to be able to get through a piece about memories that hurt and furthermore to share it with the world, in detail, something I could never do. She doesn't care about popularity and rather than writing to please she writes from the soul, one of the many reasons she has so many followers. Ember is a true poet, and honest friend and someone anyone can turn to in need. she has so many things about her that i couldn't even begin to sratch the surface, but trust me, anyone would be lucky and honoured to have someone so awesome as a friend, and one boy will someday be even luckier. She is the most amazing poet, friend, and especially girlfriend anyone could ask for. She is honest, loyal, caring, understanding/compassionate, creative, smart both book smart and street smart types, not to mention gorgeous and these are only a few things. She even cares so much about people, who she has never met that she starts all kinds of challenges to help them feel appreciated, when really she should be getting the appreciation, but somehow she seems to be missed. So if anyone is reading this you should know who is awesome, and the answer is Ember Evanescent

she opens her soft arms
The glowing light
Shown to the world

A frail shell
Open at last
As she reveals
Her smallest secrets

Allowing her sweet beauty
To flow through
Untampered with
By her beautiful protective arms

She is natures greatest beauty

I don't feel a darkness creeping on to me,
I don't feel my demons.
I don't feel tears on my face,
I don't want to leave.

I don't feel numb,
I don't feel like screaming.
I don't feel like bleeding,
I don't want to succumb.

When there's no negativity in me anymore,
The paper and pen lie alone.
When I've begun seeing good colours,
There's no more of me forlorn.

I used to write five or six poems a day,
Now I write one in five or six weeks.
In the night, I don't lie awake
To craft ink and silently weep.

I wish I could pen down happiness,
The way I could with emptiness.
I've tried to do so a number of times
But that's just not me, no vibes.