i am selfishly missing you
because I know that if you were still here
you'd be dying over
and
over
and
over again with every pinch of a needle.

I don't know how to move on
when the vision of you standing at the foot of my bed is still burning in my mind
your tears staining my shirt as I tell you everything is going to be alright,
I never truly believed those words and neither did you
now I lay here and am thankful that the last words that lingered between us were *I love you

there's something to be said about love
and how it can make you feel like
you're flying
or
burning alive.

the feeling of my body being
eaten away at
from the inside out
was
like the comfort of home
and the familiar feel
of a bed worn in
from
19 years of life.
the waves of dizziness
were waves of dreams
where I was
a horribly
disfigured version of myself,
but somehow a version
that I preferred.
the slow and weak
movements of
my body were signs
of strength
and a job well done,
not something
to be ashamed of.
my body was the enemy
and I
was determined to be
the *defeater

.

you claim that magic doesn't exist,
then how do you explain love?

before you I believed I was simply a fleck of dirt in the garden of some lonely life,
until you nourished me with sweet nothings and terms of endearment.
you made me see that i was in fact a seed that could produce the most wild things,
and decorate the world with my radiance.