when you left me
gin became my new lover
smooth and hot
intoxication of a new type

when i lick my lips
i no longer taste your mouth
instead my tongue burns of pine
and my body welcomes it with pleasure

the feeling of you has been replaced
with the overwhelming, untouchable feeling of a drunken stupor

your words were like a dagger held to my fragile neck
and
I never bled so much until that night when you told me
you didn't want me anymore.

you were so good at taking stupid words and turning them into gold,
golden phrases that made me smile because your stupid hand took those stupid words and made them into something beautiful,
there's a gift to found in those stupid hands of yours,
a gift that you only shared with me,
you drowned me in gold.

when I think about the story of you,
a small dimpled child growing up to be a poisoned soul,
i think about the days when your veins were not pumped with sadness and *pain

I love you like a
tired
broken down
college student
loves their fifth cup of coffee
at 3am
while slaving away
under the dim light of a lamp
in the
corner of a library

every now and then
my mind wanders,
back to the moment where I saw our souls connect in the sliver of space between your chest and mine,
where your arms and hands wrapped gently around the curves of my body,
where you kissed me softly,
like I was something you loved,
something you didn't want to break,

you were like a new taste
that I couldn't get enough of
all I wanted all day everyday was your

tongue
lips
sweat
touch


they said you can have too much of a good thing
but what do you call *too much of a bad thing?

i am selfishly missing you
because I know that if you were still here
you'd be dying over
and
over
and
over again with every pinch of a needle.

I don't know how to move on
when the vision of you standing at the foot of my bed is still burning in my mind
your tears staining my shirt as I tell you everything is going to be alright,
I never truly believed those words and neither did you
now I lay here and am thankful that the last words that lingered between us were *I love you

there's something to be said about love
and how it can make you feel like
you're flying
or
burning alive.

the feeling of my body being
eaten away at
from the inside out
was
like the comfort of home
and the familiar feel
of a bed worn in
from
19 years of life.
the waves of dizziness
were waves of dreams
where I was
a horribly
disfigured version of myself,
but somehow a version
that I preferred.
the slow and weak
movements of
my body were signs
of strength
and a job well done,
not something
to be ashamed of.
my body was the enemy
and I
was determined to be
the *defeater

.

you claim that magic doesn't exist,
then how do you explain love?

before you I believed I was simply a fleck of dirt in the garden of some lonely life,
until you nourished me with sweet nothings and terms of endearment.
you made me see that i was in fact a seed that could produce the most wild things,
and decorate the world with my radiance.

I cried myself to sleep last night,
because for the first time,
it felt like you didn't care.

you used to ignite me like your Marlboros.
(breathe me in//exhale me out)

you used to care enough not to light up a cigarette when you were around me,
but as you watched the fireworks in the sky that night while I watched ours go out,
i should have known that when you said "goodbye" and lit up a cigarette that you meant it.

i was never the type of girl to romanticize sliding a blade across my wrists,
but I couldn't resist the way you felt against my skin.
like a strong gust of wind as I stood like a delicate flower on the edge of a cliff,
you propelled me over with the smallest push.
it was not the fall that made me feel like I could fly or walk on water,
but the feeling of skull cracking against the ground as you watched from above.

fair skinned and lonely,
I let you damage the thin barrier between
you and myself with each word and whisper of "I love you,"
until nothing was left but a cancerous being,
malignant and self destructive.

it's gotten to
the point
where
i can't even think
about
you because my
mind starts
this
cycle
where i see
you with
other people
breathing
their
air
laughing while
they laugh
and
living life
without
me
there and
i can't *******
stand it

I knew that loving you was like willingly jumping into a lake with cement blocks tied to my feet,

but I had always wondered what it felt like to drown.

the last time you saw me I was sitting beside you by a fire you had made,
except this time I was there with someone who wasn't you.

I was with the boy on the other side of me,
who was grabbing my thigh and then fiddling with my hand.

you barely looked at me,
but I looked at you.
the fire illuminating your face,
it sent a tingle down my spine.

the last words you mumbled to me made me feels things I wish I could forget.
(it was nice seeing you again)

you used to love the taste of my name on your tongue,
until summer rolled around and your taste buds changed.
however,
my mouth still waters.

you took my innocence from me
and I'll never get that back
(but)
i made you feel,
and that's something you said you'd never do.

you told me I wasn't going to do anything meaningful with my life and that broke me

until I realized that as you stared off into the mountains and let the wind brush your face

you were speaking to yourself.

I want to thank you-

        for picking up the pieces of my broken soul
        for repairing the damage others have done before you
        for showing me what it's like to be in love

i look at our time together like the keys of a piano,
somehow pounding on a mess of a's and d's and f's creates something beautiful.
somewhere between all the laughter and late night phone calls
our messiness of a journey became a piece that was worthy of being played by Bach or Mozart.
we found the balance of those a's and those d's and those f's,
something that will be remembered by those after us for centuries.

i am the earth and you are the sun,
when you're around i radiate

there was something so perfect about that moment,
the worn fabric of the cinema chairs,
the smell of stale popcorn,
your arm around my waist.
all of it became home to me the moment you whispered the three words both of us were too afraid to say for the longest time,
"I love you."