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 Sep 2016 Kimberly Semiday
Isabel
I promise you I don't want to **** myself
This isn't a letter saying goodbye
Not a poem blaming you for not seeing this coming
But sometimes
When I'm all alone
I sit in the bath just a little bit longer,
hoping and hoping I drift off to sleep
Or smoke three cigarettes
one after the other after the other
and hope my lungs get so filled with tar that I
stop breathing
Or stand dangerously close to the edge of a building
and close my eyes hoping the wind might *******
just hard enough to fall

It's easy to imagine
I know what everyone would say
How some people would cry
And some would secretly be glad
Some would feel guilt
Others sorrow
And in about a week it wouldn't matter

But I want to matter
Whether it be to just my mom
Or the man I helped cross the street
I want to matter

And so I tuck those thoughts deeper in the closet
And I step away from sharp objects and steep edges
And I sit and write poetry
Poetry will be the death of us all
Anyway
I wrote this months and months ago and just found it, it's more of a journal entry than anything
The idea that love exists
For people like me
Is down right unfortunate.
I'm sorry. I won't try again.
Nobody told me about the colors
Of the sunset, how everything becomes
A warm sepia dream.
Nobody told me that when the waves
Break the worn shore
The sound was a million
Drums dancing to the earth's tune.

That when clouds cast over the sun
It looks like war paint
On her face.
Or when the sound of car horns passes
Beyond noise into rhythm
It could be beautiful.

It's like staring
At the world through a high definition
Window frame.
Somewhere you thought was
Just too far to travel.

They told me that it's okay
To be depressed.
But I never had anyone to tell me
That the suffering isn't permanent.

And it isn't.

Because even in the dark
Shades of the final days of your winter,
When the surface of your skin reflects
The grey that only you can see
There is warmth.

Had I known that when I got here
The grass would actually be greener;
I would have come sooner.

I saw the world through a foggy
Translucent film.
Not to say my judgement is
Usually clouded, but it can
Only be assumed.
Her head spinning,
her head numb,
and yet she refused
to leave

And maybe that
was all it took,
a selfless gesture
to make me feel
loved and understood

She said
"I really don't want to
leave you alone tonight,
will you really be alright?"

I'll certainly try.
Every tear I shed is like million drops of rain
Every painful sigh, screams only your name
Every memory of you, I relive again and again
Every second without you is unbareable pain

❤Mum❤
I've a feeling
I want to smoke you until I die,
because cigarettes like you
are always worth the pain,
and you won't escape
from my mouth again;
I'll keep your sweet name
tucked away on my sweet lips,
ready to pronounce when they ask
who makes me happy,
oh you make flowers grow
in my lungs and
I can breathe.
2478 friends on Facebook
4.6k followers on Instagram
2.1k followers on Twitter

Thousands of likes
Digital affirmations to an insecure soul
Hundreds of retweets
In agreement of a pretentious quote
Innumerable hearts sent
Wowing the 'hippy-artistic' Mac picture

Every portals overflowing with attention
Yet not a single shred
Not a drizzling drop
Of genuine care

We spend our lives peeping into the digital windows of others souls
Comparing. Mocking. Craving. Envying.
Physically distancing each other with every WhatsApp call.

Until one day
Staring at a dead blank screen
The deafening silence choking her
She wakes up with a gasp
Sifting through the thick cobwebs blinding her
To see the nothingness
Not a trace of warmth left behind

Finally, the silence steals away her awareness
The emptiness blinding her soul
Pushing and choking
In the end
A mere corpse remains
Still chained to the online life support
Just a being
But no more a soul
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