i am waking up
pushing my way through the plastic covering all of the ideas i was never supposed to touch
so many ideas

i am choosing to walk down halls with varied perspective mirrors
i stop at the ones that make me look fat
and don't believe the ones that reflect a flattering figure
i walk on

i observe
i internalize
i try to understand

why do i think the way that i do?
i was born
into a straightjacket
on the rungs of a one-way ladder

never saw that others might be scaling or ascending the same wall
with rope
sheer strength
the stairs

who am i to judge which way is better?
"the injuring of another can be in no case just."

(as long as it's not hurting anyone)

it's
           closer
                        than
                                   it's
                                         ever
                                                  been
         ­                                  but
                                  still
                       not
            soon
enough.<3

03-03-15; 12:18 am
sent from: Kate Lyn
may you dream of a world
in which money is used as toilet paper
and being a millionaire means
breathing in
and breathing out
a million times a day. <3"

i could scribble "hey, cutie" on your napkin in red lipstick while you're in the bathroom

and watch you fold it fancy-like and tuck it into your suitcoat
for safekeeping

i could offer to foot the bill at village inn with my new visa card that came in the mail two days ago

and feel you slip ten dollars into my hands asking if you can pay for half

i could squeal and laugh when you flick your tongue into my mouth while we're kissing

and hear your soft chuckle and the sultry whisper "you're so cute,"

i could wrap myself around you and whisper how much i adore and need you
licking the back of your neck and feeling your muscles flex
beneath my touch

and know that in just moments you will run your tongue across me, too
and i will be swimming in your glory

i could throw a fishing line into our pool of ideas
draw one up
examine it, gut it, roast it over a fire
and share a warm meal of minced minds with you

to find that you are playing with my hair and nuzzling your nose into my back as i talk and laugh with you
over this meal meant for two

i could scrape the snow from your windshield every morning
and draw hearts endlessly in the frost that formed across your soul when your mother died

your lips would crawl across me,
whispering "Kate Lyn" the whole time

"I thank my God
upon every remembrance of you."

(i do)

you text me to say you're coming over
and
my heart does jumping jacks
it does pull ups on the bones lining my ribcage
my veins become skipping ropes
my heart
races and
races
until

my lungs inflate like giant love sacs
and my heart collapses
resting in your presence
as soon as your fist hits the door.

i escape to the bottom of swimming pools
the harder it gets to breathe
the harder i kick
until my head hits the bottom

my ears pop
i am overwhelmed

i take naps on the freeway
the louder the horns scream
the deeper i sleep
it is relaxing 
to hear a chaos that compliments the white noise in my brain

my hangout is at the bottom of the stock market
but when the numbers come crashing down 
and everyone lowers their eyes on me
i disappear again

i walk barefoot on the asphalt, it's not my fault
that i want to know that searing pain can be caused by something outside of myself (my mind is not the only thing that's broken)

my finger hovers over the "delete" button
i feel better knowing everything could disappear

i don't have time
to accomplish anything

so i will scroll through facebook
scratch at my face
write a poem
and wish in my heart that you wouldn't worry so much
(i wish i wouldn't,  either)