Losing you feels like my body ripping at the seams
(Losing you feels like birthing a new purpose)
Losing you feels like the cry of an abandoned babe
(Losing you feels like a new search is beginning)
Losing you feels like foundation crumbling in my fingers
(Losing you feels like rebuilding myself)
Losing you feels like all the pain of a lifetime bottled into a single jar
(Losing you feels like love is present everywhere now)
Losing you feels like a rage from the core of my being
(Losing you feels like making every action purposeful)
Losing you feels like breaking everything I once deemed as sacred
(Losing you feels like now I understand what it means to hold something as sacred)
Losing you feels like the sky will always be black
Like it will always be raining
(Losing you feels like a new duty has been cast upon me from the heavens
Like the feeling of rain on my skin)
Losing you feels like the burning
Like the old scars no longer matter to me at all
(Losing you feels like the fire is now warmer
Like there are new wounds scaring over)
Losing you feels like gasping under crashing waves
Like drowning
(Losing you feels like every breathe is important
Like the first gasp of air)
Losing you feels like a forever famine
(Losing you is like planting a single seed to feed a million)
Losing you feels like a life long battle
(Losing you feels like an initiation to become a warrior)
Losing you feels like the universe is void
(Losing you feels like you’re filling all the holes inside of me)
Losing you feels like a death of my own
Like I will never be the same
(Losing you feels like an opening
Like life has taken on new meaning)
Losing you (is gaining an angel)

every time i bring home an award
or a certificate
or a straight A report card

you say something along the lines of
“i’m sure _ did better than you”
or
“but _ also got an award; you’re not special”


this feeling of not being good enough
it hurts
it starts as a punch in the gut
as a result of me being proud of myself
and you violently extracting that pride out of me
strand by strand
after this procedure
it’s a sweltering feeling in my chest
like a million fires  
burning
aching
inside my heart
a desire to want to be good enough
to want to get your approval
to show you i’m the perfect daughter you so badly want me to be

then comes the disappointment
this is, quite possibly, the worst stage
it’s seeing that look in your eye
that look of dissatisfaction
the look of regret for bringing me into this world

if only i could be good enough

if only all these awards and straight A’s could be good enough for you

if only i could make myself good enough for you


but i can’t
and i doubt i ever will

and i’m sorry for that

- things i wish i could say to my mother pt 10

Don't 'cha just love gentle rain on the roof
I too love the smell of rain on dry soil~
love listening to the kettle on the stove
When the waters almost on the boil~
love the taste of outback billy tea
Love the fragrance of the flowering gums~
And I love the feeling of getting back home
After a hard days work is done~
I really love the summer evening breezes
And the sight of the fullest Yellow moon~
I love listening to my true love sing
Whilst cooking and humming a little tune~
I love that twinkle in her eye
When I throw her a passing kiss~
I love all lifes little things
Its they that make life simply bliss~

Terrence Michael Sutton
copyright 1987