Just like I will.

I hate myself. I hate my mind. I hate my body. I hate the way I speak. I hate my emotions. I hate my physical feelings. I hate my life. I hate my writing. I hate my thoughts. I hate the disjointed voices. I hate the way I walk. I hate the way I move. I hate the wayi eat, if I do at all. I hate the things I read. I hate the taste of my own blood. I hate my cheeks. I hate my teeth. I hate my torn up fingers. I hate my scars. I hate my bruises. I hate my hair. I hate my eyes. I hate my smile. I hate my lips. I hate my nose. I hate my diseases. I hate my depression. I hate my suicide. I hate my ADHD. I hate my anxiety. I hate my rumored schizophrenia. I hate my memories. I hate that people like me. I hate that people love me. I hate that people hate me. I hate being alone, but I hate being social. I hate the things I draw. I hate the things I talk about. I hate the treatment I go to. I hate how I try to help. I hate the things I learn. I hate my pain. I hate my blindness. I hate my voice. I hate my hearing. I hate the bracelet that pinches me. I hate the nise it makes. I hate the way the metal smells. I hate the bile in my throat when I feel guilty or scared. I hate the way I bite the inside of my mouth to bake myself bleed. I hate when I scratch and don't remember. I hate the way I shake when I cry. I hate being comforted. I hate when people talk to me. I hate wanting to go on even though I can't. I hate wanting to end this. End it all.

For once, can I stay the way
You want me to be? For once
I want to be happy and lovely.
I want to stay with him and
Blend the colors of my skin
Like oil pastels
So my lighter scars won't show through.

For once... Just once,
I want to be trusted.
Let free to make my own decisions
Without letting down the people I love.

I want to be free of confusion and fear,
the voices in my head they attempt to sway
My every step
I don't want to go down that path!

For once I just want peace. Stillness
Silence, except for a whisper from
The one I will always love.
For once, I want to allow him to
Wear his suit of armour and
Save me from my dragons.
Battle the witch that cursed me
And set me free from the ugly skin in bear.
Kiss me and wake me up from this nightmare.

For once I need to accept the things
I've already accepted in the past.
I need to let go of the things
Clouding my judgement, urges
That I can not control.

For once, can I just stay dead?

I am alone.

No time, no patience,
But all the time and patience to feel like I do.

I am a *****.

No shame, no regrets.
But all of the shame and regret comes from the memories and worry.

I am a *****.

No cooperation, no final word.
But the cooperation of my final words leave me isolated.

Who else am I?

I have nothing to give, nothing to say.
My words are frail. My thoughts are stray.

I wonder what will happen to me
When all is said and done.
Though if anything does happen,
It will all go wrong.

I hate to rhyme, but this is how I feel,
Just empty enough to wonder what is real.

I have nothing to give, nothing to say.
But somehow, the lingering words can make me sway.

Lace and love,
                  The caress of a lover
         And the smell of roses.

                      Drapes of a deep blue shade
                                               Keep the world away.

"A touch and a sigh, simply, explain how much you miss me."

                                 I tell him so.
      Sheets askew and
                                       Tears of an unwidowed.

         "Kiss me.

Tell me that I am okay,
                   That you are okay.

       That you love me."

                                    Please.

          "I am scared and lost;
    Love me
                              Hold me

Make me feel safe!"

             Please.

                                   "Be gentle."

Sizzling my bones,
My flesh
           Cracks,
                                 Dry and medium rare.

         Yet I am cold.

Blood runs down, heating me,
                    Velvet blanket.

     Vision blurs
                                      and I f
                                                   a
                                                       l
                                                          l.
           Ribbons fly,
                                    Loquacious birds ring in my head,

     "Fall and die, demons."

Burn like I do.

                                                  Blisters in the moonlight
                    Burst and flood, drown me.

       Soothe my wounds
                                      And cause deafening silence.

My demon lies,
Crumbling mind, speaking incoherently.
Did you make the right choice. A girl
Sees what needs to be, what wants to be.

And yet, we drift. A silent voice that once lulled me to sleep,
Pushes me away,
A violent shove at my center most light.
A distant voice tells me it no longer trusts.

I am an echo. I can not do what has not been done,
My voice no longer works when I do not listen in return.
There is no music to
Listen to. Only the whistling silence of the wind.

The windows block that out. Windows to the soul
Have shutters that block the paintings on the walls
From the outside world.
Never to be seen by human eyes, even the resident.

Lost is the hottest fashion, these days.
Did you hear?
Independence is taken too far, and isolation
Replaces whatever played peaceful music in the past.

Somehow, the soldiers march to nonexistent drums and
No one utters a word, for fear
That they will be executed.

"You, dear, are too cautious. You need to let me in."