Though you let me into your arms
And kiss the top of my head
And let me into your bed
Though you let me lace my fingers among yours, so much stronger
And your legs between mine
I am touching nothing mine
You are but a rainbow briefly gracing me within my storm
A star billions of miles away, soon to fade from the corner of my sky
And I
Will gladly burn my eyes so that I may see your light
For
a

split


sec



ond

Yet though, I know, my body be a dozen opportunities
My opened lips will still kiss but the tips of your fingers and knuckles
Opened legs guide you to another
Opened
Available
Forgettable
Body to hold and beside
In case you need it to mean
something
For a moment
In case you need that beside to be more than just an opportunity
But a (physical, actual) care

You pointed out how veiny your hands were
You didn’t notice that mine are too
Only that they were rough
And you didn’t hear how I said I didn’t mind
Your hands or mine
I’ve always loved the blue of veins
You can see we’re both alive

Your eyes were sunlight drifting through sheer window curtains
Your dawn crept over the mountains of my body
And the pleasure of existing was all that was for certain
We rolled in pink hydrangeas til the morning lifted way

**** every you that ever told me you loved me when you didn’t mean it
Every you that ever only wanted ***
Every you that could only say yes
Every you that ever looked into my eyes like they were yours
**** every you that tore them from my head
**** every you that treated me like a prize, showed me off to your friends like a deer you shot to mount on your wall
To burn and eat out that night
Every you that told me that was alright
**** every you promising friendship like some kind of peace treaty between my legs
To dump my emotionally convenient available *** when your crush sparks a crush for you
Every you that pushed me below your belt line
Every you that called me “mine”
Every you every time you grabbed my waistline like another bottle to get drunk off of
And in the morning you notice it’s still in your bed, find the cap, walk it home, drink another next weekend
Every you who had that plan
Who took me out to the woods to smoke and **** in the back of your mom’s mini van
**** every you who texted me after
After ******* just to leave, after leaving just to see you’re now ******* my best friend and you didn’t ******* tell me
Every you who texted me after, after saying you wanted to forget
When I thought that I did
**** every you who made me cry behind a bathroom door, whether you were in the next room or not with me anymore
**** every you who ever made me feel like a woman and that’s all that I was
**** every you who fell into every drunk college guy stereotype
Because you didn’t feel the need to be anything better
For my sake
Or yours
Because I want to be something more than some party boy’s ***** but when I’m always alone, company in my bed is better than nothing at all
**** every you who knew that
And used that
Who found me when I was manic, saw threw that, and abused that
**** every you I’m still friends with
Every you who told me you love her more than anyone else you’ve been with
And I know that one’s so selfish but **** it, ours was my favorite relationship
You were the only you I was in love with
Now I keep ******* all these men but let me tell you, Loneliness is a woman I sleep with every night
She holds me more tender and she leaves on the lights
She fists my gut and she eats out my mind
I’m tired of staying awake with her by my side
But I still feel empty when there’s someone inside
I wish I could take the objectivity and remove it
I already feel like my body isn’t real, I don’t need some **** boi to prove it
I want to be treated like all that I am: A woman, and everything else
I want to **** a man, a woman, a person, not because I want someone, but because I want them
I want to kiss a you I actually know
I want to care about a you who cares if I go
And you know,
**** every me that couldn’t say no

Sometimes I say “I like you” out loud just to hear how it sounds
It’s not always for you and I’m always alone
But it’s nice to vaguely taste company every once in awhile
And not the company of laying in your bed, expecting the ***, then trying to be friends
I know what I am to you
I’m the outline of something you want me to do
And I’ll be that
Til you tell me you like him now this week you're busy
And my “I like you”s once again become anybody’s
                                       “anybody”s
I can’t be mad
I’d agreed
But when you leave your **** point her to the place of platonic playmates
Where she doesn’t have to **** to feel like she’s friends
In the end company always tastes like smoke or skin

I keep on waiting till blossoming trees start snowing
In the Spring, when all I want to wear is the sun and
all I want to taste is an aerial blue
And you
A someone you
To roll around in nature’s meadowy beds with
To build moutains and swallow oceans
I keep on waiting till I can love myself and hear myself crying something other than sadness
Crying something happy
Something satisfied
I’m going to learn how to breathe again and what it means to not be terrified
every moment of pitch black days
I want you to watch me
Swallow oceans
Build mountains
Taste skies
Wear stars
Remember my tears don’t always leave scars
And I can hear birds sing behind the veil of traffic and cars
And I can exist
And breathe