Call me

Not by my name

But by the memories we made

The feelings we enslaved  

And the songs that we played

Just call me

Not tomorrow

Or next week

But call me today

Everyday, I have sworn that I have missed you the most. But today, today was different. Today, I missed you the most. I can't quite put into words how I have felt. I will say that I'm sitting on that country road behind my house, fighting the urge to drive straight to you. All I want is to come knocking on that glass door just to see you've had it unlocked all along, waiting for me.  But I know the door is locked with the stick in it. I know it would remain that way. Today, I drove down this country road and remembered how dark it was that night you needed me. Today, I looked at the moon and gasped. And I thought of how you used to smile when I would do that. Today, I felt you. I felt you at the reservoir when I was scared to walk back to my car, alone in the dark. I felt you driving down that first road I take to your place and for a minute, I was happy. I remember always being so excited to finally be back home with you. Today, I tried on a dress I knew you'd love. I loved it too, I just know you REALLY would.  Today I watched a movie on Netflix and I couldn't help but be so upset that you weren't there. I should have been watching it with you. Yesterday, I couldn't feel your touch. Today, I feel it everywhere

isn't it crazy how
in the blink of an eye
one split second decision
can set off a
spiral of beauty
and pain
and sacrifice
and affection,
all wrapped in to one time bomb
of a relationship
with a fast approaching expiration date?

The worst part about anything that's self destructive is that it's so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive."

Radical original action
Love always
will make its enemies sick
sick and sicker
until they finally love.

I know i'm not really myself
when i'm doing this
I'm not quite myself very often
to be honest
but I regret
every single time I wasn't there myself.
I hate this disease
i hate this disorder
and the things it makes me do
when I'm in an island
far away from myself
living in a reality
where stolen things are quite better
than my own
and the moon shines, bitter & anguished
because I stole its shine away
and put it on the star
that lingers in my stolen
rag heart.

And that's how you exist in my head
When I hear your name that's what I think
You're an idea, a mantra
Too big to ever shrink

You're too large to ever wander
Too bright to ignore
And when you come close to me
I get this feeling that assures..
Me.
That you're religious, youre holy
You're a spirit, control me
I speak in tongues, mold me
Don't give in to the old me

Awaken me, give in
To the sinners and the sins.
Be my arms, be my lips
Erase past relationships

Guide me, be my arms
Be my legs, snake my charm
Empty me of loathing
Empty me of clothing.