Scraped knees from lying on the cold concrete
Play acting love online with a camera in the dark
I'm okay just knowing someone out there came for me
But truthfully what the hell did you expect me to be?
In the end what she did just made one more mark
Still, I'll let you take out that frustration on me
She's got a girlfriend already - daddy told me he sees them in the park
Tough ******* match to his rough voice and endless nights
Watch me scrape my knees and bury the cuts in fistfuls of grass
And oh god, pretend you care
pretend you care

You once told me you liked the way the city
breathes in beats of cold concrete
And since then I've found there's something fragile about our motley body heat
Cold breath and fur coats deep in the forest with the roaches
Burnt earth from the other kids' fires
Comfortable anxiety through wet window panes in the morning and wet hair in the evening
Both of us have fingernails nawed through to the bone
And lips scaled scarred but we still call them home
Hey, we're diamonds down to our human hilt
And we laugh when we realize our teeth are sharper 'cause of it
Pop your joints and join me in the tent we put up half heartedly
With the bags stacked up in the corner like mock artistry
Because we enjoy the grass more than we enjoy the stars -
Comets and planets only appeal to me when all of them are ours
Swirling in the eyes like a mark of what makes me yours
Or painted on your hands in kids acrylic when I'm tired and bored
Blue seeping into your freckles
Like starry night for sorry lovers.

I stuck to my chair.
James Stewart, Rear Window.
Curtain twitching.

Then Grace Kelly swanned in
In that unbelievable dress.
And Hitchcock made a cameo
As a fat man.

So I turned away from the window
And started watching you.

What comes after?

I caught brilliant light in my hand
Are seconds it shone more precious
than what comes after?

           'Will I be rich?
               Will I be poor?
                 You can't fall further
                   Than flat on the floor'

I held her hand,
I held her.
I gave everything I had
I held her.
I loved like nothing before.
I held her.
I would have given the world but
I held her
back.

               'In Yorkshire they ask
              Where there's muck there's brass
           But what's brass coated in such
        A volume of muck.'

What comes after?

I'm lucky I found some sunshine.
Some brilliant light.

              Heaven knows
                Where it goes.
                  
The ghost of a flame
Exists
For a second

I hope it explodes
Into something
Bigger.

When you capture a pinprick of light
And let it glitter in your hand
the seconds you can keep it burning
Are so much more precious
than
       what
comes
        after.

After months spent counting raindrops
On two panes of glass,
We met in a twisted café
full of young women
And I swallowed my tongue.
and hoped I could listen
To you talk
of the ropes round your hands
When all I needed was time.
of your dreams and your plans.
When I
      just
wasn't
       Fine.

I saw you cycle away.
The silhouette of you, black under streetlight.
Is my dreams every day.
       Yet a part of me knew
It was just
   a silhouette
     of you.
And id spent far too long
      chasing shadows.

The ghost of a dying flame is
Smoke that exists for a second.
    But it explodes into
          something
  Brighter.

Your noon blue eyes catch the open horizon.
Moss green and hedgerow, we lie as the
sun bursts, exploding from behind your body.
Thin cotton whispers off your thigh,
our voices are woven into the sound of the reeds.
The thin air quivers a shoal of oak leaves
breathless, the grass is spun to gold.

you asked me once if I was angry
“bottled up emotions” benevolent. sorry
I started to answer but I stopped. “manipulation”
definitely. disconnect
over three months now and it’s time for the reading of the wills
to me you left your equity and to you
I left my pride (I couldn’t tell you the last time I used it
anyway) every time I see your face I still stop for a second
to me you left your sorrow and to you
I left the back seats of the car
“they were mine to begin with” okay.
every time I see your face I still count back from ten
you had wisdom on your lips and love in your eyes
you always had to come out ahead of me and you always deserved it
“guilt trip” maybe. maybe not
since that night my face is burned necrotic with nostalgia
(I wasn’t ready to destroy myself like that
back then you shone the street lights on my bruises and I felt at home)
something about you made me feel so helpless
something about you made me feel so safe
(now it’s just me on this rotting riverbank)
my guts were spilled out on the dance floor your arms
were bare bones on the walls and that was the last time you ever needed me
(now these pins and needles are the only home I’ve got)
every time I see your face I still pray for a second
“*******” obviously.
you painted your fingernails black while you talked about feeding the poor
I watched you from behind black eyelashes nodding and we both
fell asleep tasting metal in our mouths
since then I’ve watched my face turn white in the mirror waiting
for the blood to pool back into my cheeks
“you’re a ******* coward” I know.
since that night I’ve been waiting for you to strip this skin from my bones
teach me how to feel the sky against my hooded eyes
I wanted you in my hands as if
holding you there would give me some kind of future
I wanted you in my veins as if
bleeding myself dry would make me something like you
you asked me once if I was afraid. of dying? “of living.”
I started to answer but I stopped.
“you’re a ******* coward” so are you.