I hardly knew you
And yet sometimes the wind
Decides to hit me in some way
And I remember that you're gone.

Sometimes someone mentions your name
Or I see a flower
For you were like a blossom
And I feel like someone has placed me in a dream

It's easier to forget that you existed
It's easier. If you were alive but just not around
I would hardly bat an eyelid.

It's just that every time I go back to the last place I saw you
I remember that I held your hand.
Could I have done something?
Could I have eased your pain?

I would do anything.

Standing on the beach where you died,
I wondered where it was that you took your final breath
And if it was your own decision.

You are among the faeries now, in the hawthorn,
The primrose blooms brighter now that you are in her earth
The birds sing with you
And sometimes I can almost see you among the trees,
Laughing as the wren dances.

I don't know where people go when they die
But I hope you're somewhere in the forest.

I can't stop wondering.

Who found you lying there?
When did your children hear?
I cannot begin to think,
For if you were my mother I would have loved you
Loved you to the deepest part of my heart

I will never know, because I am
And always will be,
Just some girl you saw once in a while
Shared a song and a kind word with
Shared some of your beauty with
And who wishes she had never met you

Because she can't handle the pain of losing someone that she would have loved if she had known she would die.

I could be heartless
I could reply with who is this
And some part of you would shatter
knowing that I have attempted to remove you from my life but
the truth is you are still on my phone as much as you are on my mind
There, but not given much attention
Sure, you exist, but only quietly

I think of you sometimes like when my toes are touching sand or
when I have a glass of maker's mark in hand or
when I hear your name in someone else’s mouth
But to be completely honest
I am not broken over this

So your hello comes a few months too late and mine from a few months before has been left without response
I could say hey I miss you too but
that would be considered a lie
Maybe I do now and then but mostly
I only miss you when there is nothing else to miss

Like a vague memory of something that used to sit in the corner of my room
I know it was there but I don't remember much else about its presence
I don't know what to say after it’s been almost a year
I waited for you, too long but
I am not broken over this
Summer has passed and another is coming,
Maybe I will find another you in the next

When you send me a text five months too late I will not be heartless
I will say hello like time hasn’t added pressure on the ache, like
maybe I could still love you the way I did yesterday and
some part of you would be whole knowing a part of me is living in the past,
where we are alive together

It's been 1 month
and it pains me to breathe
and I'm trying to act like I'm okay
but I can't help but feel
all of my emotions at once
I don't know how I'll make it
without you by my side
I took a chance with you
what was I expecting
while bargaining with the devil?

It's been 2 months
it's like learning to walk all over again I'm still shaky
but I can stand on my own
I have a fear of falling and getting hurt but I do it anyway
because the world doesn't stop
for anyone
and I need to get a move on.

3 months have passed
and I have to pretend
that I don't notice that you're happier than you were with me.
You finally cut your hair
like I begged you to
and stopped biting your nails
I've taken up the occasional cigarette
to rid the taste of you on my lips.
It's nice to have something
inbetween my teeth than your tongue and feeling the stress leave faster
than you did.  

It's been 4 months
and I wake up
shaking and screaming your name until the echo soothes me
My dreams are haunted by you
and I can't escape you in my reality. I've dyed my hair
and changed mindset.
I'm not the naive ***** I was before.  
I don't let people walk over me
and tear me to shreds.

Half a year has gone by
and I'm still searching for something
to fill this void
I miss you terribly
and there's not enough drugs
in the world to give me the high
you gave me when we kissed
I saw someone who looked like you the other day and my heart froze
My initial reaction was to hide
I couldn't stand the thought
of you seeing me
and the look of disappointment
in your eyes
I didn't want to
hear how great your life has been
without me.

Luckily it wasn't you.
Unfortunately it wasn't you.

There's something beautiful
about sadness
and how there are no words
for the depth that you feel.
I never knew emptiness was a feeling and that loving someone
could be so **** painful.
I used to cry at
scraped knees and broken toys
but now I cry at
bruised hearts and void souls.
How can I heal
when you were my only antidote