i s a b e l l a: Poems

565 · Mar 2017

One by One

i s a b e l l a Mar 2017

One by one
I smile
You smile
One by one
I kiss you
You kiss me
One by one
I hold you
You hold me
One by one
You close your eyes
I leave mine open
One by one
You walk away
And my arms are left open

#love

561 · Jan 2017

11:11

i s a b e l l a Jan 2017

11:11

I looked at the clock and it was 11:11
but then it switched to 11:12
and I missed my chance of wishing
that you were here.

#love

541 · Jul 2014

voices

i s a b e l l a Jul 2014

voices

Your  voice
becomes  so small, all your hear are your thoughts.
Your voice
turns into a stranger.
A voice
you listen to every day;
A  voice
you  don’t  recognize.

535 · Mar 2017

tricks of the mind

i s a b e l l a Mar 2017

tricks of the mind

I don't know why
but I notice every
smile you don't return
and touch you don't
reciprocate
and I think
we're falling apart
even though we're falling
closer and closer
in to each other's love

#love

533 · Jul 2017

Untitled

i s a b e l l a Jul 2017

Untitled

you said you give relationships your all
but i only see you trying
when you break things off

#breakup #heartbreak

525 · Nov 2016

but that hurts me

i s a b e l l a Nov 2016

but that hurts me

I wish you could understand
the conundrum in my mind
but not even I can untangle its meaning
it's this mess in the middle of my chest
and it's hard to breathe when I think about it
but I don't even know what I'm thinking about
so everything is quiet
but if you ever listened to silence
you would hear this loud ringing
and it hurts your brain
so I can't be quiet
so I keep my mind busy
but that hurts me
so I sit and do nothing
but that hurts me
I am this conundrum
and if I can't solve it
I don't think anyone ever will

514 · Oct 2016

wonder full

i s a b e l l a Oct 2016

wonder full

In the unveiled silence
I realize my existence in this universe
I'm just two blue eyes
one soft spoken voice
one clouded mind that can be so ******* loud
and a heart that feels like it doesn't beat sometimes
I'm a gaping hole
begging to be filled
with the wonders of this universe
and
in the unveiled silence
I realize
that I am one of those wonders

#love #self

501 · Feb 2017

skin hunger

i s a b e l l a Feb 2017

skin hunger

I've felt what it's like
to have fingers
dance on my thigh
and to hold a hand
and to have you search my body
like an ancient artifact
and now that you're gone
all I think about
is contact
and how much I need it now
that I know
what I've been missing

500 · Jun 2014

My Mood As Of Now

i s a b e l l a Jun 2014

My Mood As Of Now

I need someone to love me
because right now,
I am not in love with myself.

#love #depression #lonely #pain #depressed

470 · Dec 2016

loveless (15w)

i s a b e l l a Dec 2016

loveless (15w)

It's a cloudy Monday
and I'm having trouble
trying to describe you in one emotion.

466 · May 2015

I Don't Know Which One's Worse

i s a b e l l a May 2015

I Don't Know Which One's Worse

I used to not think
or feel anything at all,
but now I think too much
and feel everything at once,
and I don't know which one's worse.

#depression #anxiety

466 · Dec 2016

limits

i s a b e l l a Dec 2016

limits

"I don't want you to go out on your own"

Those words have kept me trapped inside this cage
of walls and glass and wood floors
but also trapped under clothes that cover my skin
afraid of eyes that may peer through

Your safety and protection is like a warm blanket
that provides comfort
but it can also suffocate me on a sweltering summer night
freedom is a natural calling
and why do others get the sweet release
of opening a door
and not worrying about what could happen to them
when they walk down a street
why do I have to watch from windows
and wonder what it's like to have this sense of
normality and power
to be this person that can roam

Why do mothers warn their daughters
but don't tell their sons
that their sisters and friends
have the same skin as they do
that they deserve to walk out into the night
and not have to wonder about the eyes and tongues and fingers
that lurk behind them
why do we limit what the girls of this world can do
just for their safety
how will that accomplish anything
when we don't tell the boys of this world
that they don't have power over us

460 · Sep 2016

back and forth

i s a b e l l a Sep 2016

back and forth

It's like a sick twisted game you two love playing.
After a perpetual 24 hours of worrying and over thinking,
the next 24 hours are spent plunging into the depths of dark waters.
I can't escape.
It's like tug of war
and my rope is fraying.
One day I'm on the edge clinging for life
and the next I'm giving in to the idea of death.

#depression #anxiety

449 · Mar 2016

~

i s a b e l l a Mar 2016

~

Broken glass shards poke out from healthy hearts;
Reopening wounds you assumed closed up.
Okay, okay, it’s fine to fall apart.

Overthink and make your mind want to dart;
Keeping thoughts hidden in a tight lockup.
Mornings are brand new, refresh and restart.

Always to blame but never question art;
It takes time to find a way to buildup.
Okay, okay, it’s fine to fall apart.

Positivity, easy to kick start;
Negativity, easy to blow up.
Mornings are brand new, refresh and restart.

Back to a place you thought you had depart;
Yourself will come back to fill up your cup.
Okay, okay, it’s fine to fall apart.

May be lost, but you are not a spare part;
Darkness just crawls back for a quick checkup
Okay, okay, it’s fine to fall apart.
Mornings are brand new, refresh and restart.

#villanelle

442 · Sep 2018

nothing is the same

i s a b e l l a Sep 2018

nothing is the same

We used to talk until the world went quiet
and the sun would about to wake
now it takes so much energy out of us
to ask how the other has been

We used to constantly say "I love you"
and now I say "I miss you"
and get nothing back in return

You always said that I deserve more
and maybe you were right
but that doesn't make me love you any less

It doesn't make this hurt any less

we're not the same

#heartbreak #love #hurt #sad

428 · Oct 2016

friday nights

i s a b e l l a Oct 2016

friday nights

I hear the train off in the distance
and a siren echoing off the streets
and in my room I hear silence
because I am
alone.

#lonely

417 · Apr 2017

aquiver

i s a b e l l a Apr 2017

aquiver

You are an upheaval
that is not chaotic
yet you are enough
to shake the center
of my soul out of its
stagnant state

#love

405 · Jan 2015

x

i s a b e l l a Jan 2015

x

it's easy to forget who you once were
when you change yourself
for other people

#self #depression #change #forget #remember #you #me

405 · Jan 2017

i simply cannot love him like i love you

i s a b e l l a Jan 2017

i simply cannot love him like i love you

He is always here
but he will never be
you

#love

401 · Oct 2015

whispers

i s a b e l l a Oct 2015

whispers

I may never get the chance to feel your lips,
but at least I can say that i've been graced
with the sound of your voice.
And that is more than enough.

#love

397 · May 2017

exes

i s a b e l l a May 2017

exes

You talk about them
and I know you don't
love them anymore
but my anxiety tells me
you do

#love

387 · Jun 2017

hollow heart

i s a b e l l a Jun 2017

hollow heart

it hurts so much
this **** heart in my chest
beating so loud for others
yet it's hollow for myself

382 · May 2017

Untitled

i s a b e l l a May 2017

Untitled

A waning moon
on the edge of
almost disappearing
I watch as you
float farther away
from my presence
even though the tides
are pushing you
closer to my shore
I sink into the sand
and feel the cold
of not being in your arms
and I look up into the sky
and no longer see you there

#love

381 · Mar 2016

Fire Fingers

i s a b e l l a Mar 2016

Fire Fingers

fire fingers
burning things down
without ever noticing
the destruction
around you

fire fingers
burning yourself
without ever realizing
you are hurting

fire fingers
searching for cool rain
to mellow down your
scorching heart

fire fingers
holding on to anything
you can grasp
afraid that one day
you'll turn it all to ash

379 · Nov 2017

her

i s a b e l l a Nov 2017

her

God! The taste of her lips haunts me
and I have never been so transfixed.
Her peaceful state of slumber draws
me closer and my fingers dance on
her skin like they were meant to be
there. God! Even when I am alone
my mind is occupied and it feels like
we never parted. I want to hold her
forever and never let her love go.
God! How did I get so lucky?!

#love

370 · Feb 2017

how do you feel?

i s a b e l l a Feb 2017

how do you feel?

I told you
I was confused about my feelings for you
but that I couldn't stop thinking about you
and you told me that we should stay
friends
because you'll be leaving by the end of the year
and now that I can't have you
my emotions have come full circle
and all I want
is to be
more than friends

#love #friendship

342 · Jun 2019

stuck

i s a b e l l a Jun 2019

stuck

Sometimes I wonder
If I’ll ever heal
Or if there will always be one
Tiny thing
That will send my heart pounding
And head ringing
And your apparition
Will appear before me

Sometimes I wonder
If I’ll always be stuck
With you

340 · Sep 2016

send me your way

i s a b e l l a Sep 2016

send me your way

How long do I have to wait
for someone to appear?

How long do I have to wait
for loneliness to not feel like
a negative emotion anymore?

#lonely

321 · Jan 2017

distance makes the heart hurt more

i s a b e l l a Jan 2017

distance makes the heart hurt more

Does your heart ache
like mine does
knowing we are even
farther away from each other
than we were before

#love

299 · Aug 2018

"I wish I could love myself as much as I love you"

i s a b e l l a Aug 2018

"I wish I could love myself as much as I love you"

Her words fell out into
the darkness of her car,
my vision blurry
from the tears flowing
from my eyes

She wipes them away

Her kisses feel like a goodbye
but in my heart
in my veins
in the way the sun rises every morning
I know that she will find her way back to me
that no matter how long we are apart
working on making ourselves the best versions
of who we are meant to be
I know that
she will come back

We hurt so much
because we hurt ourselves
we didn't want any more damage
even though her saying
we need time apart
felt like I was losing a part of myself

She wants to be the best version of herself
for her
but also for me
and my heart will continue to beat
with those words

I know she'll find her way back to me

She is the sun rising every morning
to greet my waking eyes

#love #heartbreak #growth #depression #selfcare

294 · Dec 2015

home

i s a b e l l a Dec 2015

home

I saw you approach me
during the golden hour as they say
but all I see is a black haze
a stranger with a familiar face

292 · Apr 2016

consumed

i s a b e l l a Apr 2016

consumed

Do you know the feeling
of sitting in a hospital room
waiting to hear what's wrong with you?
Do you know the feeling
of getting on stage
to talk in front of everyone?
Do you know the feeling
of almost getting in a car accident?
That's what anxiety feels like.

#anxiety

285 · Jun 2015

point of view

i s a b e l l a Jun 2015

point of view

We acknowledge the beauty
of earth destructing,
but look away
when we hurt ourselves.

285 · Apr 2017

Untitled

i s a b e l l a Apr 2017

Untitled

I slid your words down
hoping they would glide down my throat
but they cut up the insides of my mouth
and rested there on my tongue
so next time when someone spoke
I spat the shards out and wounded them
watching their white turn red
and I saw myself in their eyes
and I heard you when I opened my mouth
so I swallowed my hatred and left

279 · Dec 2018

am i really getting better?

i s a b e l l a Dec 2018

am i really getting better?

how can i want to heal yet
keep hurting myself at the same time?
how can i find happiness
when the only thing
that makes me feel good is pain?

#self #harm

274 · Mar 2017

Could you call this love?

i s a b e l l a Mar 2017

Could you call this love?

Could you call this love?
How my thumb rubs circles into your hand
like it has a mind of its own
and how your scent has become one of my favorites
and when I wake up and smell you on my hair
I feel alive because it's almost like you're there
and how I close my eyes
when your fingers squeeze my skin
because you want to pull me closer
and how your laugh brings me joy
and how happy I become when you slip me drawings and notes
and how we fit together perfectly in each other's arms
and how the world quiets out when we kiss
Could you call this love?
I guess you could.

#love

272 · Mar 2017

silence

i s a b e l l a Mar 2017

silence

I guess I could've spoken up
or said something
but I didn't want to ruin
how we were in that moment

268 · Feb 2017

Will you catch me?

i s a b e l l a Feb 2017

Will you catch me?

I suppose you could say
I'm
falling
for
you

#love

267 · Feb 2017

you

i s a b e l l a Feb 2017

you

I don't have any thoughts anymore
they're only about you
My heart can't stop pounding
it only beats for you
I don't know what to do anymore
since I can't have you

#love

264 · Apr 2016

stop searching

i s a b e l l a Apr 2016

stop searching

will google ever give me the answer
to if I'm really in love with you?

#love

262 · Jul 2016

Summertime Sadness

i s a b e l l a Jul 2016

Summertime Sadness

Summer is known to be a "favorite" season,
but I hate summer most of all.
I do hate heat and humidity,
but there's something else I hate more than that -
I didn't realize it until now.
Summer leaves me trapped inside
daydreaming of having the "best summer ever"
yet it becomes another cycle of doing nothing.
Summer leaves me searching for happiness
but I end up with loneliness, anxiety, and depression.
Everyone is busy.
{or I stop myself from having a good time
because my mental illness would rather keep me company}
Summer promises the luxury of doing nothing,
but doing nothing makes me go
insane.

#depression #anxiety #summer #loneliness

253 · Jan 2017

different visions

i s a b e l l a Jan 2017

different visions

I fell in love with your eyes
and you closed them shut.

#love

252 · Jan 2017

the farthest thing from fantasy

i s a b e l l a Jan 2017

the farthest thing from fantasy

I melt in your frigid hands
and I submit to your every word
and in my mind I'm in another world.

251 · Dec 2016

"what's wrong"

i s a b e l l a Dec 2016

"what's wrong"

I didn't realize how sad I was
until someone asked if I was okay

#sad #depression

247 · Jul 2016

am i helping or hurting?

i s a b e l l a Jul 2016

am i helping or hurting?

I need to be alone to help myself,
but being alone hurts me.

#depression #anxiety

243 · Nov 2018

you weren't who i thought you were

i s a b e l l a Nov 2018

you weren't who i thought you were

I lay in bed
And I think back
To when she was beside me
The girl I thought I was
Going to marry
And I laugh bitterly
Because the girl
I wanted to marry
Kissed someone else
And made me have anxiety attacks
She made me cry
And left me feeling worthless
And as I lay in bed
I miss her
But think to myself
That I never want to see her again

#heartbreak #abuse #emotional #love

242 · Sep 2018

Am I even on your mind?

i s a b e l l a Sep 2018

Am I even on your mind?

Is it awful of me to wish
That you could feel one
Ounce of what I was feeling?
Maybe I just want to be missed
To be wanted
But you are so happy
And maybe I'm jealous of that

#love #heartbreak #depression #sad

234 · Nov 2016

Nowhere

i s a b e l l a Nov 2016

Nowhere

I lie to myself and say happiness isn't a place
but I'm finding out that it is nowhere
and maybe that's why I find my mind
jumping from destination to destination
in my daydreams
or why I can't sit still for a second
because I always need to be on the move
if I sit still
I think
and thinking isn't good
so I plan out escapes and paths I could take
but I find myself in the presence of
nowhere
I am not going anywhere
but I want to be everywhere at once
but if I stay for too long
soon that place will become another
nowhere
I don't belong anywhere
I am uncomfortable
unless I am
nowhere

217 · Jan 2017

Untitled

i s a b e l l a Jan 2017

Untitled

Who knew loving you
would hurt.

#love

216 · Aug 2016

hurting body

i s a b e l l a Aug 2016

hurting body

Why do I want to feel pain?
Am I scared of being sane?