I lost morning runs around the living room
The TV blasting what I used to watch
I lost riding to school with my grandpa
Swimming with floaties, unable to touch
I lost my earliest years in Brussels
How autumn leaves wrapped me up
I lost the making of toy shops on the floor
And the way I cried when I had to clean them up
I lost stacking paints in a closet
The racket we’d make outside of class
I lost the newspaper I made at eight
It’s lost, just like the years that have passed
I lost hundreds of skipped lunches
I’ll be ****** but I miss them
I lost realising people weren’t my thing
And that I’m better off without them
I lost just now what helped me out
It dug me out of my grave
But you swooped in and pulled it away
After all I had and all I gave

So please don’t take this, it’s all I have left
Anything, anything but this
It’s the only thing I can cling onto anymore
Anything but this

First came the pioneer
Who’s first glance preceded
Any other aspect of hers
She thought was needed
So she came short
Of wit and strength
Which she had, but had left
And put her life at arm’s length

Next came the savant
Who’s past bore her soul
Her lion’s den rose above
And claimed her whole
She could all but escape
The temor it left
Which made the trail
That lay her to rest

Third came the loyalist
Dismissed as an outcast
Yet she found a place
Amongst the other Three fast
But it wasn’t enough
To keep up
So her way was made crawling
Fruitfully but deficiently

Last came the dreamer
Denominated rash yet elegiac
She wasn’t the cub expected
For they were frankly a fallback
Born to diligence and discipline
But turned to hiraeth and lies
She sought out the moon
The stars, the seas and the sky
She took her time to raise her flesh
And examine stories beneath
Of what could’ve been, what could be
If only she escaped the heath
That was what the Four planned to do
Yet outside came out only Two
And the One who best survived
Was the one who didn’t let her life
Deprive her of what could’ve been
Power erupting from her skin
She wrapped a hand around it’s wrist
And let go.
It took the fury of years
Blood, sweat and tears
To escape the heath
And the years left that lay beneath
If she weren’t to leave
If she were to grieve
The loss of her future history
And find defeat in victory
Then would her flame still flicker?
My doubt gets thicker
She isn’t a poet, merely a girl
Unable to find her place in that world
And as she recalled a wise woman saying
‘There’s escape in escaping’

You.
You came to us, longing to start anew
We let you in, like all wrecks do
But not in too deep:
Not to the point where you'd know about the strangers beneath,
The black sheep.

You got misguided towards the better part, the packs
We weren't surprised
After all, you were trained to do that
It was only a matter of time before they advised you against us,
Before you were baptised.
But wouldn't you have wished to know, we were there:
Clad in calm, I mirrored the snarl -
And you and your beasts saw kin, not prey
Until it was too late.
You spent hours looking for black sheep amongst the herds, a break through
But doesn't black blend beautifully with slate?
We were
                  a
            m
     o
n
g    
s        
t            
you.
And then you saw them:
My people, my family, my friends
And growled, whining for help
Not knowing I'd aid them instead.

But this wasn't enough of a break through (ours, not yours)
We didn't have what we needed
Didn't like the cards we were dealt
So we stayed hidden all this time
My boys, my girls and I
And bid our time till the clock struck midnight
Till we were free from your ties

That's when the lights f l i c k e r e d

Oh, what a silent soul
What a blatant light
What a piteous cause
Turned to dynamite
You thought you saw us?
Well, now you do
At the head of the forest
They said we didn't belong to
Best of all, we shook you
By doing better that what they'd asserted they'd do
And the rest have grown to love us
More than they'd ever loved you.

It came like this:
Tousled sandy hair, chin held high
One from a regime where love is a lie
Slowly but surely, we took the cake
And fell into a pattern I thought was fake
Honest confessions showed your true colours
Turning us from roots to flowers
Which bloomed into late night calls
And that’s where I thought the end was, overall.
But you and New Years brought the two of us
To a place where I couldn’t have seen us
When you didn’t bide your time & grabbed my hair
A month later, all I did was hold your stare.
We lay barefoot on beds
Stayed apart till light left
But our efforts were in vain
Now that our truths no more restrain
But Love, as long as I can hold on the happiness I have found with you, I’ll be satisfied & follow where life leads me with you.
That’s how I met Love.

Notes on a life not quite lived
Things you said in your sleep
Showed how well I turned out
My past, my future: your hell
War was lost, but who's the winner?
Sometimes I wish I hadn't been her
Under a sky painted with dreams
You waited still for me

Here you are, once again
Betrayed by one you thought a friend
Like embers burn but never mend?
Like echoes call but meet no end?
You mourned the deception that never was
The lies, the trust, my sinless flush
"Two can play this game" they say
Can they?

But I let you run away
Storm out, it's empty greys now
Just look at your face
Never thought I'd save you then betray you
Lucrative choices made
Caught in the games we both played
Still see you there, still see your stare
Full of what I call despair

Venom trickles down your throat
Bought that love was what you spoke
I was a secret: you, an oath
We both swore we'd be there
What you believe is what you see
The truth was drowned in secrecy
I locked my heart and hid the key
I fed your hope for it to bury me

I let you run away
Storm out, it's empty greys now
Just look at your face
Never thought I'd save you then betray you
Lucrative choices made
But your ending came in vain
Still see you there, still see your stare
Full of what I call...

It's all the same
Every decade,
They change the name
They call it a first
Put her forth
Till she bursts
Like the ones before
It’s nothing new
Not a new blue
Trust me when I say
They just changed her hue.

Stack and piles of women put upon the stand
Trying to see where they’ll land
One upon another, I’ll tell you now
Others turn a blind eye, I wonder how?

How come daisies and roses flood her garden
But once we tire, the land’s burning?
Then blame it on her wants,
Her wealth, her guilt, her flaunts
“But what about her needs?”
No, focus on her greed

She’s one cut from a cloth of kindness
Driven by the stars, she dreamt of flying
She’s paved people’s paths,
Held then discarded their pasts

Why can’t we simply let her be?
She’s simply driven, chasing a dream
Show her those stars, show her those pearls
Don’t replace her, hide her from the world

She won’t read this.
Hell, she won’t read me
But I think she should know
I thank her daily

I’ll forget what joy feels like
But remember the weight
I’m cursed to lose in love
This sin was a bait
6’2” of a boy curled around kicked-in ribs
A recalcitrant heart met a colony kid

The moon looks like the one
Reigning over in February
Don’t come to London
Don’t scream “Why’d you leave me?”
Just because I don’t show it
Doesn’t mean I don’t feel it
Wish there weren’t a wall
Wish you could still be here with me

Dreamt of having Paris in the palm of my hands
You unsolicitedly wrecked all their plans
The swooniest moments, the toughest desires
But when the clock struck midnight,
Had to curse out our fire

Santal 33, stuck in closets, no keys
These were the answers you searched for so hopelessly
I set them down on the table
God, I need you to hear me
Warned I’d only be there
Momentarily

The moon looks like the one
Over the oak at the party
Don’t throw out the chain
Don’t curse the palace that keeps me
Away from my love, my joy, my ultimate fury
Wish there weren’t a wall
Wish you could still be here with me

I was raised in rooms with rules for walls
Taught to smile and never fall
Pillars built on stacks of gold
Future history foretold
They say I chose the higher road
But what’s a throne if I die alone?
Cause an ocean away with a reckless name
My true crown came calling at the bay
Don’t speak what wasn't spoken
Don’t look at me like I’m broken
The worst part is: I still love you
I’m sorry

The moon looks like the one
Reigning over in February
Don’t come to London
Don’t scream “Why’d you leave me?”
You’re what I need, my joy, my ultimate fury
But I can’t break the wall
Wish you could still be here with me
Be here with me